remember me?

Well, it would appear that one of my old blog buddies is back in the game. And since I've been on an absurdly long hiatus from Blogger (in spite of my prolific musings on Tumblr) I figured it couldn't hurt to reawaken this old thing. Plus it's sort of neat knowing different people from all over the world read my different blogs. I've often found it interesting that I can be so honest and forthcoming in the written word and so closed off in my real, daily life. On any given day I am surrounded by people who love me but who really don't know the breadth and depth of what is swirling around behind my eyes. That sounded a little dramatic. But it's the truth.

Let's see... if anyone besides Amanda is reading this, I'll give you the crash-course update on my life in the nearly 3 years since I graduated from college:

• I've gone back to school for my Masters in Theology. Avoidance? Genuine ambition? Even I'm not sure of the driving force behind this craziness. But, true to form, I am still an expert in procrastination.
• I actually was a substitute teacher for 164 high school freshmen last year. It was a long, crazy, improbable story that I might tell some other time... but it was the most terrifying and most rewarding experience of my life so far. I think.
• I've finally let go of someone I'd been holding on to for far too long. It was scary and painful at first, but now it just feels like freedom.
• I've spent a lot of time and effort on trying to become healthier. I've had major successes and major setbacks, and I'm pretty sure it's always going to be an uphill battle. But it's worth the fight.

In many ways, on the surface, nothing has changed. I am still at home, still in school, still single. A lot of times that gets me down. But when I really consider my life, where I was in August of 2011 to right now... I realize that I'M the thing that has changed. I have grown in ways that can't be quantified or measured. I am stronger, braver, and more alive than I ever used to be. And from the outside looking in, that might not seem like a whole lot. But to me, that is everything.

I still don't have anything figured out. But I'm fairly certain that no one ever has everything figured out. The answers to all of life's problems don't magically fall out of the sky once we find what we think we're looking for. But I suppose that is what makes life exciting.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” 

― Oscar Wilde

my not-so-storybook ending

Dear ___________,

For the longest time, my fairy tale was very specific. I knew it just had to be you. I had this feeling that no matter what happened to us, in the end, we would end up together. Everyone else was so convinced we were perfect for each other that it simply had to be true.

I was completely incapable of imagining my future with a different outcome. The thought that we wouldn’t wind up together was terrifying. For years, you were the only person I’ve ever wanted… I didn’t allow myself to consider any other possiblity. I literally convinced myself that you were exactly the one I’d been looking for. I fell in love with the story of our friendship, imagining how perfect it would sound after we got together. “Hung up” doesn’t even begin to describe how bad it was. I really loved you. But, as I learned the hard way, unrequited love does not a fairy tale make.

Recently, for the first time ever, I realized that it might not be you. You might not be the man I marry. You may not even be a man that I ever date. Maybe there really is someone out there who is more perfect for me than you. Someone better than the someone I had “settled” for imagining myself with for so long. That thought is more liberating than I could’ve ever imagined. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to think it.

Unfortunately, this does not mean my feelings for you will instantly evaporate the minute I hit publish. Chances are pretty good that I will always wonder what if, especially since I know that we will both be in each other’s lives for a long time. And when this better man doesn’t come along on a white horse right away, I have a feeling I still might wish that you’ll step in and change the ending. But here’s my confession: I hope you don’t. It’s finally time I got myself a new story.

Here’s to endings. Here’s to beginnings. Here’s to rewriting the story.

More-Sincerely-than-I-have-ever-been,

Beth

just maybe

I don’t know about you, but my life has been marked by books. Since the years of “Goodnight Moon” and Dr. Seuss, reading has been everything. I was the girl who got in trouble for reading under my desk in 4rd grade math class. Beth wasn’t complete without a book in hand. Quirky, nerdy, or otherwise, this was (is) me.

My childhood was shaped by the innocence of the Babysitter’s Club, and the curiosity of Nancy Drew. My middle school years from age 11 were charmed by the magical imagination of JK Rowling- effectively growing up alongside Harry and company. Salinger spoke to my angst-y, teenage soul in “Catcher in the Rye”. Then Ann Brashares taught me more about myself and my friends than I thought possible in the Sisterhood books. And so it goes…

There were literally hundreds of books between those mentioned. But I do feel like my life has been shaped by the characters and worlds contained in the pages of these books. Reading has been my only constant- my solace in times of sorrow, my peace in times of contentment… my connection to myself.

Why am I writing this now? I guess partially because I’ve never acknowledged this quite so frankly. And also, because today (while reading a book, of course), it hit me. I think I am supposed to be writing. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, or my true post-undergrad naivete coming out, but I think it just may be what I want to do.

So this is me saying, just maybe, I am going to try.

after a while

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

what if

I realize that it has literally been ages since I've posted on here, but I'm feeling the itch, so here goes. The past few months have been pretty standard for my life. I turned 22 and graduated college, so naturally I am in the throes of an epic existential crisis... trying to figure out my life is slightly overwhelming. I am still pathetically in love with a guy who may or may not return the feeling. And I just feel like I am in some kind of holding pattern. "Waiting for my real life to begin."

But on a late night like this, I get to thinking. What if. What if I got everything I ever wanted? Would I be happy... content... overjoyed? Or would I be sad? Would I miss the feeling of hope and longing? Would I miss wondering?

As much as I want certain things to happen for me, what if they were never supposed to in the first place? What if I am hoping for the wrong things?

That thought alone scares the hell out of me. It's the kind of thought that ties a knot in the pit of my stomach. The kind of thought I wish I could take back. But there it is.

still here

In case you were worried about my well-being, have no fear- I'm still here.

In the interest of time, and finals, and the small matter of finishing up my undergraduate career, I have started yet another blog. It requires much less attention to substantial musings, while still providing an ample outlet for my procrastinating needs.

No, I am not leaving Blogger. Rest assured, there will be posts in the future. But, on the off-chance anyone actually reads this blog and wants to keep up with me on a more daily basis, I can be found HERE.

drowning

At the risk of sounding psychotic, I sort of feel like I'm voluntarily sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool and watching it fill with water. I'm drowning, and yet I am making no moves to swim for air. I am not tied to the floor. There aren't any weights strapped to my ankles. I am sitting at the bottom, staring up at the surface, slowly suffocating. The water just keeps getting deeper.

Of course, this entire scenario is metaphorical. But it is an extraordinarily exact description of how I feel with regards to school and life. I have so much to do in so little time (my own procrastination's fault), that every single deadline and responsibility is like another ten gallons of water pressing on my lungs. And still, I stay. Making no moves to save myself. Eventually, I have to make a decision- sink or swim. Pass or fail. The irony in this situation is that I'm a good swimmer. I'm a good student. Former lifeguard. Dean's List 7 semesters in a row.

So why am I still at the bottom? And why am I not moving?

convenience

Does anyone ever feel like they're the convenience friend? You know, "I-had-plans-with-someone-else-but-they-bailed-so-let's-do-something", or the "I'm-just-really-busy-I-only-care-about-your-problems-in-my-free-time", or "I've-got-nothing-better-to-do". Sound familiar? If not you're lucky. But if you're like me, there's about a thousand more.

I am the convenience friend by profession. It's a job I never signed up for, but if it was a paid position, I would own an island in the Caribbean by now. Sometimes it's easy to deny- they're just busy! It's okay, you know deep down they care about you. They're going through a lot right now. But tonight, I've had a breakthrough... ready?

SCREW THAT. Real friends care, no matter how busy they are. Real friends make time, instead of just waiting for me to. This has been a terrible week- on the list of my top 10 worst weeks ever. And I have been blown off and ignored and "re-scheduled" too many times to count. I am over this- this is my official resignation from the position of convenience friend. I'm over having my heart broken.

i broke

My life has been so insane lately.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go on a retreat with my school... I think I was initially excited, but as it drew closer, excitement turned to dread. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but it turned out to be wonderful. It has been years since I went on a retreat as a participant and not a leader, and I think I needed that. Bottom line, I didn't have any lightning bolts of divine inspiration but I did come out with a little tip from God- He's got a plan. So all of the worrying and stressing I do is pointless. I need to just let go and lean on Him.

About 45 minutes after arriving home, I fell and broke a finger on my right hand. Now I have to depend on others for a lot of things I can usually do by myself. My life is not my own.

I'm not sure I was looking for such a literal emphasis, but point taken!

You Are Here

I am being torn in about 15 different directions. Different people, different places, different paths. I have no idea which path is the correct path, or if there is even such a thing as a Correct Path. Perhaps I'll be like Emerson, and decide in 50 years that I would've ended up in the same place no matter what. Or maybe I'll never figure it out. Am I condemned to a life of "What If's"?

I am scared. Actual, can't-sleep-because-I-am-outlining-every-possible-worst-case-scenario-in-my-sad-little-mind terrified.

I have been in school for as long as I can remember. It is all I've ever known, all I've ever done. Now, I graduate college in two months. And what's next? More school? Most likely. But where? For what? Which degree? Which city? Which job?

I'm surprised my brain hasn't yet exploded. It's surely only a matter of time.