what if

I realize that it has literally been ages since I've posted on here, but I'm feeling the itch, so here goes. The past few months have been pretty standard for my life. I turned 22 and graduated college, so naturally I am in the throes of an epic existential crisis... trying to figure out my life is slightly overwhelming. I am still pathetically in love with a guy who may or may not return the feeling. And I just feel like I am in some kind of holding pattern. "Waiting for my real life to begin."

But on a late night like this, I get to thinking. What if. What if I got everything I ever wanted? Would I be happy... content... overjoyed? Or would I be sad? Would I miss the feeling of hope and longing? Would I miss wondering?

As much as I want certain things to happen for me, what if they were never supposed to in the first place? What if I am hoping for the wrong things?

That thought alone scares the hell out of me. It's the kind of thought that ties a knot in the pit of my stomach. The kind of thought I wish I could take back. But there it is.