the struggle

I was listening to the radio the other day on the way to class (it was a Christian station- I know, I'm kind of a dork), and someone had called in with a problem they were struggling with in their relationship, and the host on the radio show told him this: "Struggle is a good thing... it means you haven't given up." I haven't been able to shake those words from my head. Because he was right. We only struggle with something when we know that it matters. It means we haven't given up on ourselves. It is so easy to shrug it off when we mess up, or just tell ourselves we aren't good enough. Or that we will always be caught in the same trap. Stuck with the same addictions. Falling to the same sins. We pretend that we can't change, mostly, I think, because we're afraid to try. We're afraid to ask for help when we need it. Whether it's God, a friend, or a professional- we're afraid to admit to ourselves that we need help. Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you how stubborn I am, and how much I feel like I need to control- I hate asking people for help. But the second that I admit to myself my weaknesses, I find strength.

Therefore, struggle is a blessing. Struggle is grace. Struggle means we're strong enough to know that we're human, to know that we make mistakes, and in spite of all of that, to know that we aren't going to give up. And in the end, if we keep struggling, keep holding on to hope... we win.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20

three deep breaths

I get so angry sometimes. So frustrated. So caught up in the moment and full of emotion, that my judgement is completely clouded. I hate that feeling, and I just want to give up on whatever it is I'm doing. Whether it's a stupid math problem, or a friend problem. I have a temper- it's a fact. Maybe it's the italian side of me, who knows.

When I get that mad, it's hard for me to see anything else. Usually, I wind up throwing my textbook and pen across the room in frustration (or cell phone, depending on the situation). But then I stop. I see how ridiculous it is to be upset over something that is SO in my control. I take three deep breaths. I walk away from the problem. I hang up the phone. I just leave it for a few minutes, and it puts it all into perspective.

Come back to the problem later, and it will probably make sense. And if not, skip it. Things that emotionally taxing are usually not worth having in your life at all. It's like the breathing- breathe OUT the old, and take in the fresh, clean oxygen. Every breath is a new start... a chance to change.

happy thoughts

I have nothing of real consequence to say, other than that I am truly happy. I had one of those days that most people probably wouldn't consider fun, and my classes were sort of boring, but at the end of the day, I felt happy. I am smiling. I am learning to find joy in the little things. Like how today was supposed to be rainy and gross. I think it only rained for a total of 5 minutes, and I even saw some sunshine later on. To some people, maybe that means nothing. But it made me happy.

I'd like to impart some wisdom on ya'll, from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. "Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things... and making those count for more than the bad stuff." My life will never be perfect, but I think I actually am starting to love myself for my imperfections. It is our imperfections that make life interesting, after all. And even though I haven't a clue where life is taking me, I feel confident that, in this moment, I am on the right path. I am where I need to be. Where this path leads, I have yet to find out...

But hey, isn't that half the fun?

everything i know about life, i learned from a chick flick

Okay. Maybe that makes me a total sap. A hopeless romantic. Whatever. I was watching "Never Been Kissed" today on TV (by the way, if you haven't seen it, you should), and I was thinking about this. You are the star of your own life. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, you run the show. Sure, you can fall back and act like a secondary character (Lord knows, I've done that more times than I'd like to admit) but ultimately, you have the ability to call the shots. To become the best possible version of yourself.

In any good chick flick, the happy ending does not come easily, however. There will always be forces working against you, be it a person, a stressful situation, a troublesome relationship, what have you. You have two options. 1) Let it control you, and possibly lose a little bit of yourself in the process; or, 2) like those beautiful women in the movies, rise above your circumstances. We all have humiliating/sad/troubled pasts. I know I would not be the same without mine. But never, ever let the past rule your life... you can overcome it. People don't just happen into their happy endings, they must work for them. Life is all about choices.

Also, just to clear up any misconceptions about chick flicks, Mr. Right does not exist. At least, not generally speaking. There is only such a thing as Mr. Right-for-you. And chances are, he isn't an underwear model in his spare time, or some world-famous rock star. Often, he is the last person you'd expect to knock you off your feet. And you will never know when he is going to enter your story. Maybe it's two years from now, maybe it's tomorrow, or maybe it was 15 years ago on a playground somewhere. But the important thing is that you stop looking. He's not going to find you any faster if you obsess about it. So let your story unfold, and stop trying to rush things.

Most importantly, you are in control of your own happiness. You need to be happy with yourself before you can truly be happy with someone else. Like all things in life, happiness is a choice we must make. There are millionaires in the world with every material thing they could want, and still they are not fully happy. And there are people living in complete poverty, surrounded by death and destruction, who have lost nearly everything, and they still get out of bed in the morning. They find reasons to smile. Because they know something that those millionaires do not. It doesn't matter how much you have... money doesn't make you happy, YOU make you happy. If you are in a bad place in life, do something about it. We must make the best of whatever situation life has dealt us, because otherwise, what is the point? "It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." Bad things will happen, yes. You will get knocked down sometimes, it's a fact. But if these movies have taught me anything at all, it's that you only fail when you stay down.

never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
And know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow, you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby, you're never alone.

wine glass

I can't believe it- I'm two weeks in, and I am still alive. I'm actually surprising myself this semester with schoolwork. I have made it my goal thus far to avoid procrastination at all costs (I know, "avoid procrastination" sounds funny to me too, it's just for lack of a better word). So far, so good. Oddly enough, staying on top of things makes me happier. I can actually relax and enjoy my weekends.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... I am a junior in college. That still sounds so bizarre. But the more I think about it, the less I feel like a college student. It's funny. A lot of my friends are of the "I'm-independent-now-and-I-can-do-whatever-I-darn-well-please-so-let's-all-get-drunk" mindset. I have never really been into the whole party scene, and to be honest, I'm not sure I ever will be. Obviously, I am not 21 yet, so I can't definitively say I'll never be into partying. Perhaps, when you turn 21, you wake up with a newfound urge to drink anything and everything you can get your grown-up hands on. That's not to say I've never drank, or been drunk, and I'm certainly not promising I'll never get drunk again. But the desire to do it? I just don't have it.

Tonight, I was hanging out at home in my pajamas and helping cook dinner, and I had a glass of wine. It was perfect. Call me an old lady, or whatever you want, but I loved it. I felt so content with my life. Maybe it's because I really AM content with my life, and I just needed that little glass to loosen up and put everything into perspective. But while tequila and beer make everything fuzzy, wine made me see things so clearly. We should smile at everyone, learn to laugh at ourselves, and love without expectation, because life is wonderful- and don't you forget it!