fears

(I am writing this after watching "The Wedding Planner", if that helps to explain the context of this blog.)

I want to get married. I want to love someone with my whole heart, and make a lifetime commitment to them. I want to have a baby! A sweet, small, warm little person to sing to, and rock to sleep, and love more than anything in the world. I want to have a house with someone, and make holiday traditions with my family, and pack lunches! I don't want a white picket fence, I don't need a fairy tale... my expectations aren't that unrealistic. But I want to be a wife. And a mom.

And I am absolutely terrified that I won't have any of that. I am scared of dying, and heights... but most of all, I am terrified that I will be alone. Some days, it seems so certain- like, I feel called to all of that, so of course it will happen. Then other times, I look at my life, my lack of relationships and I literally panic. What if? What if I never get that happy ending? What if I do end up alone? I keep praying that my husband is just going to appear someday soon, because I am now in my 20's, and this is the time we're supposed to be meeting them, isn't it? Maybe not. But in my scared, panicky little place, these are the thoughts that creep in, disrupting my peace of mind.

So I pray. As unsatisfying as that often feels, that's really all we can do, right?