I tend to use this blog as a self-motivator, something to keep me thinking positive. But I'd be lying if I said my life was all rainbows and butterflies. I have a shadow too, you know. As happy as I am for this clean slate, this new year, all of the above are currently ripping through me right now. I have changed quite a bit, because a year ago I would've let all of them sink me down into a seemingly-bottomless pit of depression. I refuse to let them take me down. But that doesn't mean I won't feel them. I am feeling them.
I know I really don't have a place to feel hurt or abandoned. And I know that his leaving has nothing to do with me at all- it's an incredible opportunity, and beneath all of the crap I'm feeling, I am happy for him... proud, even. But I felt it in August, and I am feeling it now, even worse; that feeling when people leave. Really not knowing whether or not they'll even come back. Not in a literal sense, but a figurative one. Will he be the same person in May? Will I? The resentment I feel is not for him, but for myself. Reason tells me that I shouldn't be feeling these things, but I am. I am the kind of person who loves people fiercely. Even when my feelings are not returned. Even when the people I love don't see the world the way I do. I am nostalgic, and sentimental, and emotional, and that's just Beth. This is not a pity party. This is me opening myself up to the hurt and letting myself experience it so that I can move on.
I am going to miss my best friend. Thankfully though, my life will go on, because I need it to. And because life happens, whether we want it to or not. And because now, there's another side to my story. After all, you can't have a shadow without light.
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