day one

My friend Meg recently started the "30 days of blogging" challenge (you can read her blog here). I think this is a kind of cool way to regularly update the blog, while expanding on some aspects of my life that I maybe haven't written about before. Also, awesome for the days when I don't know what to write about! So, I think I'm going to attempt this venture as well- although chances are good that I might throw some random, non-challenge-related blogs out there in the middle of it.

Ready? Here goes.

Your current relationship- if single, discuss...

Yep. I'm single. Funny how many different emotions and reactions that one word can evoke. To some people, single means alone. To others, single means freedom. Some fear. Others desire. Some envy. Others longing. On any given day, I go through all of these thoughts about my current state in life.

If I stand back and look at my life, I can understand why I am single, and why it is currently a good thing. I am still on the path to figuring out what I want for myself- career-wise, and life-wise (whatever the hell "finding yourself" means). I am in a constant state of change and flux... a real challenge for someone as fixed and stubborn as me. I can only imagine that any relationship I had right now would be temporary and volatile. But as cheesy as it sounds, I know that I need to be content with myself before I can expect to find anyone else content with me.

Big picture though, the goal is to find someone. I want to fall in love with some amazing guy, and get married. I am the kind of person that needs to love, and give love. I want someone to lean on, and to lean on me. I know that along the way, I've written blogs about this before. But especially now, as a 21-year-old senior in college, I am surrounded by couples, and people getting engaged, and meeting their future spouses. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, and sometimes I feel really angry about not having that yet... Not yet.

For now, I am single. At the drop of a hat, I can feel happy/sad/jealous/angry/content/worried/confident/free. I don't know if I can say that's good or bad, or perhaps that's just life. But there it is.

detachment

I don't know if I would go so far as to say I have social phobia... but I basically do. Until I figure out what I'm doing with myself and my life, I don't expect I'll ever feel comfortable around groups of people. Even my oldest, closest friends, all of a sudden, feel threatening to me. I don't know if I'm embarrassed, or feel inadequate, or both. It's really upsetting, but I am anxious around everybody! I cancel plans, I back out on commitments... and I hate meeting new people. I am ridiculously self-conscious, and I just feel like everyone is judging me. I wasn't always like this, and I don't know when exactly it started (although, looking back, I realized that I've blogged about this before). I would just so much rather be alone, reading a book or something, than out with people.

I still don't know whether I should worry, or if this is all just temporary until I get my sh** together. Because, I kind of have yet to do that. I'll just file this one under the 5,000 other New Year's resolutions I have for 2011... right. Here's hoping some of them will finally stick.

Morning People

I am a night owl. Always have been. For some reason, I am always energized at night- doing work, reading, tossing & turning, what have you. I've always said, "I go to sleep in the morning, and I wake up in the afternoon!" Kind of pathetic, but basically true. Where normal people go to bed by, let's say, eleven, my average bedtime is about 2AM. But I've been wondering... can night owls change? I think I'd much rather get sleep earlier, and enjoy the beginnings of each day!

Today, after a night of restless insomnia, I decided to give up on the idea of sleeping and greet the day. It was still pitch black outside, but I decided to attend 6AM mass. Much to my surprise, there were people there. A lot of people! After mass, I went to the grocery store to pick up breakfast. There were people there, too! Driving home, I passed all sorts of people running and walking and enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. Apparently, there is this whole other world of people who drink coffee, go running, attend daily mass... it's amazing! It's mind-boggling! It's inspiring!

I think, this year, I'd like to become one of these Morning People. I, too, would like to rise with the sun and relax for a few hours before I have to face my daily responsibilities. No more all-nighters. No more waking up at lunch time. No more exhaustion.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

this is the new year

Another year you've made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around.
And do not save this for tomorrow,
Embrace the past and you can live for now.
And I will give the world to you.

Speak louder than the words before you,
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important,
We are the voices of the underground.
And I will give the world to you.

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
Because in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I would give the world to you.

A million stars that shine upon me
A million eyes, you are the brightest blue.
We'll tear the walls down that divide us
And build a statue strong enough for two.
Let's get back to you.
And I will wait for you.
Because I would give the world
And I would give the world
And I would give the world to you.

This is a new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is a new year
We are the voices
This is a new year.

Ian Axel

goodbye 2010

Well, 2010 has come and gone. It feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year with my best friend and some spiked egg nog, but here we are again.

My "celebrating" is going to be simple, in the hopes that perhaps that same simplicity will spill over into all the other areas of my life this year. That is my resolution. To simplify.

Theres all sorts of ins and outs and plans and ideas, but I won't bore you with those. Just know that I hope each and every one of you has a blessed and joyous New Year, and that God will continue to shower you with his love and friendship.

Cheers! (and happy new year :)

something good coming

As usual for the beginning of December, I am staring down a pile of work about as tall as I am. And, as usual, thanks to one certain retreat, I have never felt less like doing it. I'll get it done. I always do, somehow. But I just felt like blogging. And reminding myself that in ONE WEEK, I will be free from all these problems. December 15th will be a wonderful day.

The song of the day is "Something Good Coming" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. It's stuck in my head in the greatest way, and the lyrics are totally hitting home for me right now. Enjoy!

the cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again.

Mumford & Sons

obligatory giving of thanks

No, but seriously. I know I've been MIA for a few months now, but I have had so many blessings to be thankful for... and it just so happens that there's conveniently a day to acknowledge them all!

I'm just going to do a blanket "Thank you God!" for all those simple moments of peace that come my way when I need them the most. In the midst of all the confusion and chaos of life, the random stillness of a deep breath, and that feeling that no matter what happens, I am unconditionally loved... it means everything.

If one could only learn to appreciate the little things...
A song that takes you away, for there are those who cannot hear.
The beauty of a sunset, for there are those who cannot see.
The warmth and safety of your home, for there are those who are homeless.
Time spent with good friends, for there are those who are lonely.
A walk along the beach, for there are those who cannot walk.
The little things are what life is all about.
Search your soul and learn to appreciate.

Shadi Souferian

Of course, I could go on all day about family and friends, my cat, food, clothing, shelter, music, school, smiles, etc... but that's all a given. I am the most thankful for the one from whom all the "little things" come. The Creator of heaven and earth, who for some reason placed me right here, right now. And life is a lot to be thankful for!

when i heard the learned astronomer

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide,
and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with
much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

Walt Whitman

random music sampler

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.

2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't
make sense.

How do you feel today?
Friend of mine- Treble Charger

What's your outlook on life?
Permanent Scar- O+S

What does your family think of you?
Amie- Pure Prairie League

What do your friends think of you?
Makes You Crazy- Brett Dennen

What do strangers think of you?
FM Radio- Joshua James

What do your exes think of you?
Gone Forever- Three Days Grace

What do you think of your relationship with your gf/bf?
Whatever It Is- Zac Brown Band

How will your life turn out?
Back Where I Come From- Kenny Chesney

Will you get married?
Tell Me Why- Taylor Swift (...not sure if that's a yes or no)

Are you good at school?
Caught Up- Usher feat. Fabolous (haha I am a little caught up in it)

Will you be successful?
The Sun Doesn't Like You- Norah Jones

What song should they play on your birthday?
Be Gentle With Me- The Boy Least Likely To

What song should they play at your graduation?
Undeniable- Mat Kearney

The Soundtrack of your life?
From Where You Are- Lifehouse

You and your best friends are?
I Remember- Damien Rice

Happy times:
Still On Your Side- BBMak (yeah... 5th grade was a happy time!)

Sad times:
Bulletproof Weeks- Matt Nathanson

Every day:
Love- Matt White

For tommorrow:
Dog Problems- The Format

For you:
Overwhelm- Starfield

What does next year have in store for 5 years?
Meteor City- Joe Purdy (last line- 'didn't worry about the things that we just didn't know.' perfect.)

What do I say when life gets too hard?
My Hanging Surrender- The Wheel

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Dance Me To The End of Love- The Civil Wars

What do you want as your career?
Where Do You Go- National Product (figures it'd be vague)

Your favorite saying?
Heartbreaker- Led Zeppelin

How will I die?
Under my skin- Peter Bradley Adams (killed by love?? probably.)