denial

It's not the last week of classes. I don't have a biology project due on Wednesday, or a stat assignment due on Thursday. I do not have to get ready to lead a Kairos this weekend. I don't have to wash every stitch of clothing I own before Thursday. And I definitely do not have finals starting bright and early on Monday morning.

Except that I do. All of the above is true. I am spreading myself so thin this week I'm not sure I'll even sleep (but sure, let's write a blog?). Often, denial is my coping mechanism. Instead of working on a secret Kairos surprise for my sister, I learned to play a new song on the guitar. Instead of working on my biology project, I caught up on Gossip Girl reruns. Why do I do this?

Because the problems don't ever actually go away. They all bide time, piling up, and before long that huge stack of issues comes crashing into my stream of consciousness. Leaving me with 3 days, 1,000,000 things to accomplish, and only two hands. Let the panic attacks begin! (Or should I say, continue?)

"Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean."

Meredith Grey

happy thanksgiving

In the spirit of this holiday of gratitude, here are some of the things that make my heart feel all warm & fuzzy (but that I often take for granted):

My crazy, dysfunctional family. As much as they drive me berserk, I know that they love me and support me, and that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

My wonderful, mismatched group of friends. All different, all amazing, all LOVE. Mother Theresa said "Love, and be loved." I think my friends pretttty much have that in the bag.

My cat Noel! She's my little angel, who purrs and keeps me warm at night. She's 10000000x better than a teddy bear. Plus, she's adorable. (File this one under the warm fuzzies!)

Food, shelter, & warmth. I am fortunate enough to have all three, in abundance, and it breaks my heart to think about all the people who aren't as fortunate.

Music. Being able to sing, play guitar (what little I know), and having love, passion, & true appreciation for music of all genres. "Where words fail, music speaks."

Hot tea! And green smoothies, and veggie juices... and all the other random beverages that put a smile on my face.

My education. I stress, I complain, and I dread it, but the truth is, I am privileged to be getting a challenging Catholic education. I am learning so much every semester, and I do feel that IU is where I am supposed to be. Even if I took a slightly roundabout way to get here!

Faith. I don't know if I can technically be grateful for faith, because absolutely anyone can choose to have it. But I am thankful for my parish, and youth group programs and retreat opportunities- past and present! I can say with 100% certainty that they have played a huge role in shaping me to be the person that I am today.

My card game. Okay, so you know that whole, "It's not the cards that your dealt, it's how you play your hand" adage? Well, I'd be lying if I said I was thankful for all the crappy stuff I've had to deal with over the years. But what I am thankful for is 'how I played my hand', rather, how I overcame and endured the struggles and pain. I'm a lot stronger for it.

Sunrises. Most of the defining moments in my life are marked by sunrises (or all-nighters... sometimes both!) They are so symbolic of new beginnings; each new day holds so much potential for good. Not to mention, the colors in the sunrise are always beautiful!

There are thousands more things that I could go on and on about, but my point is this- there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, and there is always a reason to smile. Close your eyes (yes now... okay well, read this, and then close your eyes) and take three long, deep breaths. Feel the air go in and out- that is a miracle! Breathing is a miracle. Every single breath is a reminder that we are here, we are alive, and we have unlimited potential. Thank God! Happy Thanksgiving everyone- much love!

For every moment of joy
Every hour of fear
For every winding road that brought me here
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving.
For everyone who helped me start
And for everything that broke my heart
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving.

("My Thanksgiving"- Don Henley)

luckiest girl in the world

You know those nights where you stay up for hours with someone you love, talking about nothing, and yet, everything all at the same time? Someone you love, who knows you so well that they can practically read your mind. Sharing stories and thoughts and dreams, singing songs... time seems to stop for a few hours. Time doesn't even matter when you're that happy and at peace. Me, I am unsettled, undecided, and unsure about school and the future and my life. But when I am with a friend, or friends, that I love, talking like that, I am so utterly content. And its nights like these when I think to myself, 'I am the luckiest girl in the world.'

Sure, you might catch me on a bad day saying otherwise. And like I said, I am unsure about a lot of things. And heck, I am unhappy with aspects of my life. Even in spite of my sins and my troubles, I have family, I have shelter, I have material things... but I have the BEST friends a girl could ever want. Truly. They know me- they know my quirks, my pet peeves, my dreams, my sadness. And after all that, they love me anyway. The real me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve so much love in my life.

And as much as it sucks that college separates us (and believe me, it totally sucks), and it hurts to be away from the people I love, even if only for a few months... the seeing them again? Priceless. Getting a hug from someone you love and haven't seen in 4 months is one of the best feelings ever. I am so lucky. Actually, I am so BLESSED.

free to be me

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me.

rainy day lament

Sometimes, I love the rain. Other times, on rainy days, I start feeling melancholy about my life. Relationships. School. You know, all that stuff that crowds and confuses our existence. It all seems to carry much more weight when the sun isn't shining, pressing down on my chest till it hurts to breathe.

Today, I was in such a mood. For the longest time, I just dwelled on it. Everything that was upsetting me, everything that I should be doing, and am not. My inability to move on. Uncertainty about the future. But I realized that dwelling on it all just makes everything suck that much more. So I decided that rain or no rain, I need to stop letting things affect me negatively. Especially things that are well within my control.

The outcome of all this pondering: The Happy List. I wrote down all of the things, big and small, that I need/want/should do. I know that being able to check some of those things off of a list will definitively improve my mood. It's a way of actively managing your life... and having control over the little things makes it easier to deal with the big things that we don't get to have control over. Someday, maybe I'll share my list. For now, it's all mine... don't worry, you'll be able to tell if the list is working.

my new motto

Inspiration sure does hit me at the weirdest times, and it comes from the weirdest sources. I was watching an episode of America's Next Top Model, and Miss J was telling this girl, "If you keep doin' what you're doin', you'll keep gettin' what ya got." Brilliant. Basically, don't expect anything in your life to change if you arent willing to change it.

This is so true, and sometimes it's very hard for me to grasp... I want things to change with minimal effort on my part. Apparently, that's not how it works, and I've never heard it said so honestly and concisely. So methinks that is my new motto. It's pretty legit- Miss J is one smart drag queen... like I said, there is no rhyme or reason to what inspires me :)