it's funny how things work out

After Delaware, I felt like a failure. A failure at college, a failure at independence... a failure of self. I questioned my abilities. And although everything has been relatively good since then, that deeply-rooted failure is not so easy to shake off.

When I was in the process of transferring, my new school wouldn't accept 3 of the credits I'd earned from Delaware. At the time, it went unnoticed, and by the time I figured it out it was too late to correct. And those credits were 3 that I needed for my minor. It was a beginning drawing class, and I'd gotten a C-. IU only accepts C or better (I should mention that it physically pains me to say the letter C. I don't get C's. I get A's. Yet another reason Delaware gave me the beating of my life).

So as it turned out, I needed to retake that class. I wound up registering for the course at another local school- it was a compressed course, 3 credits in 5 days, all drawing, all the time. I dreaded that class. The thought of drawing again just brought me back to the studio at Delaware, and all the feelings of inadequacy that went along with it.

Though I knew no one in the class, I went. At first, I was very apprehensive. It was a class of mostly nursing majors, and everyone seemed to know each other. It was just me and my charcoal. But something funny happened then- the moment I pressed the charcoal to paper, my hand took over. It didn't even require thought, it was as though my body was programmed to draw that still life. It was like it used to be. My hand did the figuring out, and it left my mind to wander- when I get that absorbed, time doesn't exist. It is a feeling that I haven't experienced in years. In fact, after Delaware, I'd thought it was gone for good.

That class I had hated, that class I had dreaded, that class I had feared ended up being exactly what I needed. It gave me some of my pride back. The little boost of faith in myself that I had been so sorely lacking.

It's funny how things work out.