learning to fly

I've made mistakes

but I won't be ashamed

it feels like fate is liftin' me

I can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.

I no longer hide

so I let the sun wash over me

'cause there's no darkness left

to hold me down.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

when you lose your way

when your heart breaks

when you can't escape

you feel just like a prisoner

of all the world says you will never be.

that's when you can't give up,

gotta hold on tighter now than ever

the answers will find you when you believe.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

and I tried, yeah I tried, to get somewhere I'd rather be

but sometimes the fastest way is not so easy.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

to austin

I remember it so clearly, it seems like it was yesterday. I know that's what people always say, but it's the truth. I remember driving up to school that morning, seeing the news van and cameras. I remember being filed into the auditorium for a class assembly, right as I walked in the doors. I remember the worry on our faces, the teachers' curious stares. I remember Fr. Matt taking the microphone, and trying to put what had happened to you into a sentence that made any kind of sense. I remember that feeling, when he said your name. I remember hearing the gasps. It was like someone had sucked the air out of the room. My stomach dropped, my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking it was some sick joke, like you were going to come out and laugh and tell us how lame we all were for being that gullible... it sounds stupid, thinking back on it, but that's honestly what was going through my mind. I would've believed anything other than the cold, painful truth they were telling us- that you were gone. It was so hazy that day, but now it is so clearly embedded in my memory. The prayer services... the hugging. Everyone hugging and crying. People who weren't even remotely close to being friends, consoling each other. The "toughest" guys in school became sobbing messes. I was a sobbing mess too. I've never experienced loss on such a large scale- you affected everyone while you were here, and it was evident that we would not quickly recover. I remember the viewing, and having to look your mom and dad in the eyes, trying to mumble something- knowing full well that there wasn't a phrase in the English language that could even begin to ease their pain. I remember the funeral, the music... OUR music. Mr. A's eulogy... how you had that prayer card with you in the car that night. To this day, I can't look at it and not think of you.

We weren't best friends. I'm not going to pretend that we were- but we were friends. We spent those afternoons after school freshmen year, in the lobby, when Billy would steal us drinks. I remember just sitting around and talking with you. You were so sure of yourself, but in the best way. And that smile... I don't think you ever stopped smiling. I remember you that afternoon, before we left for Trinity. I was excited for you. I remember your face that night, during adoration. Singing- you loved the music. Every time I sing for adoration, I think of you. You were so sure in your faith, and you constantly emanated peace and love. You were such an example- heck, I was a leader that weekend, and I found myself learning more from your example than I think I ever could've taught. You affected us all, in life, and in death. My heart still aches every time I think of you, and that smile, and your parents and your little sister. My heart aches every time I hear that song. The constant reminders of you are painful, but they bring to mind such beautiful memories about you, and your life, and the tangible impact you had on every single person in our class. Every single person on Trinity. What I saw that weekend, with you and everyone else, leaves me with little doubt of the loving presence of God. I know that He was with you the night of your accident, and I know that now you're with Him.

It's been exactly three years. I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write this, other than getting it all out into words is something I had yet to do. Austin, you are loved, and you are missed dearly. Please watch over us.

fairy tales

I've been reflecting a lot on life ever since we began this blogging habit, and I've come to some interesting conclusions about myself. One that I've been mulling over lately has to do with my relationships. I don't know how to love people "a little bit". I love wholly, and completely. I get attached to people. I haven't figured out if this is a virtue or a fault. It certainly puts my heart on the chopping block, vulnerable and asking to be broken. But on the other hand, when the love is real, whether it be family or friends or a significant other... it's the greatest feeling in the world. But the truth is, even the ones we love disappoint us. Often, they're the ones with the ability to disappoint us the most.

But I just finished watching the movie Enchanted- yes, I get that it's rated like, G, and most 20-year-olds would say that's exceptionally lame- but the message is so poignant in my life, especially lately. It's about looking for the good. Even when you seem naive. Even when things suck. There is good everywhere- and life is unbearable when you constantly dwell on the bad; I know this, firsthand. Sure, fairy tales don't really exist. But no one ever said that happily ever after doesn't. Whether it's in this life on earth, or the next life- seek truth. Seek love. Seek beauty. Be child-like. And you will definitely find your happy ending. Someone pretty RELIABLE told me so :)

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19: 14

new skill

bal⋅ance [bal-uhns]

–noun

1.	a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Balance. For some, it's everything- it's the only thing. For me, not so much. My whole life I've been extreme. All schoolwork, or no schoolwork. Constantly working out, or not at all. Never did I venture into that middle ground... I wish I knew why. Because apparently, that's where all the happiness was hidden, and I was just too stubborn to find it.

My past few days I've been experimenting with how to balance aspects of my life. And I gotta say, it's a pretty phenomenal skill. So simple, yet so effective. Maybe you have all been practicing balance your entire lives, honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I'm not the most normal human being, and I like it that way. But, as it turns out, I also really like a little schoolwork, a little downtime, a few chores, and getting a healthy amount of sleep. Does wonders for a girl!

the struggle

I was listening to the radio the other day on the way to class (it was a Christian station- I know, I'm kind of a dork), and someone had called in with a problem they were struggling with in their relationship, and the host on the radio show told him this: "Struggle is a good thing... it means you haven't given up." I haven't been able to shake those words from my head. Because he was right. We only struggle with something when we know that it matters. It means we haven't given up on ourselves. It is so easy to shrug it off when we mess up, or just tell ourselves we aren't good enough. Or that we will always be caught in the same trap. Stuck with the same addictions. Falling to the same sins. We pretend that we can't change, mostly, I think, because we're afraid to try. We're afraid to ask for help when we need it. Whether it's God, a friend, or a professional- we're afraid to admit to ourselves that we need help. Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you how stubborn I am, and how much I feel like I need to control- I hate asking people for help. But the second that I admit to myself my weaknesses, I find strength.

Therefore, struggle is a blessing. Struggle is grace. Struggle means we're strong enough to know that we're human, to know that we make mistakes, and in spite of all of that, to know that we aren't going to give up. And in the end, if we keep struggling, keep holding on to hope... we win.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20

three deep breaths

I get so angry sometimes. So frustrated. So caught up in the moment and full of emotion, that my judgement is completely clouded. I hate that feeling, and I just want to give up on whatever it is I'm doing. Whether it's a stupid math problem, or a friend problem. I have a temper- it's a fact. Maybe it's the italian side of me, who knows.

When I get that mad, it's hard for me to see anything else. Usually, I wind up throwing my textbook and pen across the room in frustration (or cell phone, depending on the situation). But then I stop. I see how ridiculous it is to be upset over something that is SO in my control. I take three deep breaths. I walk away from the problem. I hang up the phone. I just leave it for a few minutes, and it puts it all into perspective.

Come back to the problem later, and it will probably make sense. And if not, skip it. Things that emotionally taxing are usually not worth having in your life at all. It's like the breathing- breathe OUT the old, and take in the fresh, clean oxygen. Every breath is a new start... a chance to change.

happy thoughts

I have nothing of real consequence to say, other than that I am truly happy. I had one of those days that most people probably wouldn't consider fun, and my classes were sort of boring, but at the end of the day, I felt happy. I am smiling. I am learning to find joy in the little things. Like how today was supposed to be rainy and gross. I think it only rained for a total of 5 minutes, and I even saw some sunshine later on. To some people, maybe that means nothing. But it made me happy.

I'd like to impart some wisdom on ya'll, from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. "Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things... and making those count for more than the bad stuff." My life will never be perfect, but I think I actually am starting to love myself for my imperfections. It is our imperfections that make life interesting, after all. And even though I haven't a clue where life is taking me, I feel confident that, in this moment, I am on the right path. I am where I need to be. Where this path leads, I have yet to find out...

But hey, isn't that half the fun?

everything i know about life, i learned from a chick flick

Okay. Maybe that makes me a total sap. A hopeless romantic. Whatever. I was watching "Never Been Kissed" today on TV (by the way, if you haven't seen it, you should), and I was thinking about this. You are the star of your own life. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, you run the show. Sure, you can fall back and act like a secondary character (Lord knows, I've done that more times than I'd like to admit) but ultimately, you have the ability to call the shots. To become the best possible version of yourself.

In any good chick flick, the happy ending does not come easily, however. There will always be forces working against you, be it a person, a stressful situation, a troublesome relationship, what have you. You have two options. 1) Let it control you, and possibly lose a little bit of yourself in the process; or, 2) like those beautiful women in the movies, rise above your circumstances. We all have humiliating/sad/troubled pasts. I know I would not be the same without mine. But never, ever let the past rule your life... you can overcome it. People don't just happen into their happy endings, they must work for them. Life is all about choices.

Also, just to clear up any misconceptions about chick flicks, Mr. Right does not exist. At least, not generally speaking. There is only such a thing as Mr. Right-for-you. And chances are, he isn't an underwear model in his spare time, or some world-famous rock star. Often, he is the last person you'd expect to knock you off your feet. And you will never know when he is going to enter your story. Maybe it's two years from now, maybe it's tomorrow, or maybe it was 15 years ago on a playground somewhere. But the important thing is that you stop looking. He's not going to find you any faster if you obsess about it. So let your story unfold, and stop trying to rush things.

Most importantly, you are in control of your own happiness. You need to be happy with yourself before you can truly be happy with someone else. Like all things in life, happiness is a choice we must make. There are millionaires in the world with every material thing they could want, and still they are not fully happy. And there are people living in complete poverty, surrounded by death and destruction, who have lost nearly everything, and they still get out of bed in the morning. They find reasons to smile. Because they know something that those millionaires do not. It doesn't matter how much you have... money doesn't make you happy, YOU make you happy. If you are in a bad place in life, do something about it. We must make the best of whatever situation life has dealt us, because otherwise, what is the point? "It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." Bad things will happen, yes. You will get knocked down sometimes, it's a fact. But if these movies have taught me anything at all, it's that you only fail when you stay down.

never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
And know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow, you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby, you're never alone.

wine glass

I can't believe it- I'm two weeks in, and I am still alive. I'm actually surprising myself this semester with schoolwork. I have made it my goal thus far to avoid procrastination at all costs (I know, "avoid procrastination" sounds funny to me too, it's just for lack of a better word). So far, so good. Oddly enough, staying on top of things makes me happier. I can actually relax and enjoy my weekends.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... I am a junior in college. That still sounds so bizarre. But the more I think about it, the less I feel like a college student. It's funny. A lot of my friends are of the "I'm-independent-now-and-I-can-do-whatever-I-darn-well-please-so-let's-all-get-drunk" mindset. I have never really been into the whole party scene, and to be honest, I'm not sure I ever will be. Obviously, I am not 21 yet, so I can't definitively say I'll never be into partying. Perhaps, when you turn 21, you wake up with a newfound urge to drink anything and everything you can get your grown-up hands on. That's not to say I've never drank, or been drunk, and I'm certainly not promising I'll never get drunk again. But the desire to do it? I just don't have it.

Tonight, I was hanging out at home in my pajamas and helping cook dinner, and I had a glass of wine. It was perfect. Call me an old lady, or whatever you want, but I loved it. I felt so content with my life. Maybe it's because I really AM content with my life, and I just needed that little glass to loosen up and put everything into perspective. But while tequila and beer make everything fuzzy, wine made me see things so clearly. We should smile at everyone, learn to laugh at ourselves, and love without expectation, because life is wonderful- and don't you forget it!