to austin

I remember it so clearly, it seems like it was yesterday. I know that's what people always say, but it's the truth. I remember driving up to school that morning, seeing the news van and cameras. I remember being filed into the auditorium for a class assembly, right as I walked in the doors. I remember the worry on our faces, the teachers' curious stares. I remember Fr. Matt taking the microphone, and trying to put what had happened to you into a sentence that made any kind of sense. I remember that feeling, when he said your name. I remember hearing the gasps. It was like someone had sucked the air out of the room. My stomach dropped, my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking it was some sick joke, like you were going to come out and laugh and tell us how lame we all were for being that gullible... it sounds stupid, thinking back on it, but that's honestly what was going through my mind. I would've believed anything other than the cold, painful truth they were telling us- that you were gone. It was so hazy that day, but now it is so clearly embedded in my memory. The prayer services... the hugging. Everyone hugging and crying. People who weren't even remotely close to being friends, consoling each other. The "toughest" guys in school became sobbing messes. I was a sobbing mess too. I've never experienced loss on such a large scale- you affected everyone while you were here, and it was evident that we would not quickly recover. I remember the viewing, and having to look your mom and dad in the eyes, trying to mumble something- knowing full well that there wasn't a phrase in the English language that could even begin to ease their pain. I remember the funeral, the music... OUR music. Mr. A's eulogy... how you had that prayer card with you in the car that night. To this day, I can't look at it and not think of you.

We weren't best friends. I'm not going to pretend that we were- but we were friends. We spent those afternoons after school freshmen year, in the lobby, when Billy would steal us drinks. I remember just sitting around and talking with you. You were so sure of yourself, but in the best way. And that smile... I don't think you ever stopped smiling. I remember you that afternoon, before we left for Trinity. I was excited for you. I remember your face that night, during adoration. Singing- you loved the music. Every time I sing for adoration, I think of you. You were so sure in your faith, and you constantly emanated peace and love. You were such an example- heck, I was a leader that weekend, and I found myself learning more from your example than I think I ever could've taught. You affected us all, in life, and in death. My heart still aches every time I think of you, and that smile, and your parents and your little sister. My heart aches every time I hear that song. The constant reminders of you are painful, but they bring to mind such beautiful memories about you, and your life, and the tangible impact you had on every single person in our class. Every single person on Trinity. What I saw that weekend, with you and everyone else, leaves me with little doubt of the loving presence of God. I know that He was with you the night of your accident, and I know that now you're with Him.

It's been exactly three years. I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write this, other than getting it all out into words is something I had yet to do. Austin, you are loved, and you are missed dearly. Please watch over us.