the cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again.

Mumford & Sons

obligatory giving of thanks

No, but seriously. I know I've been MIA for a few months now, but I have had so many blessings to be thankful for... and it just so happens that there's conveniently a day to acknowledge them all!

I'm just going to do a blanket "Thank you God!" for all those simple moments of peace that come my way when I need them the most. In the midst of all the confusion and chaos of life, the random stillness of a deep breath, and that feeling that no matter what happens, I am unconditionally loved... it means everything.

If one could only learn to appreciate the little things...
A song that takes you away, for there are those who cannot hear.
The beauty of a sunset, for there are those who cannot see.
The warmth and safety of your home, for there are those who are homeless.
Time spent with good friends, for there are those who are lonely.
A walk along the beach, for there are those who cannot walk.
The little things are what life is all about.
Search your soul and learn to appreciate.

Shadi Souferian

Of course, I could go on all day about family and friends, my cat, food, clothing, shelter, music, school, smiles, etc... but that's all a given. I am the most thankful for the one from whom all the "little things" come. The Creator of heaven and earth, who for some reason placed me right here, right now. And life is a lot to be thankful for!

when i heard the learned astronomer

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide,
and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with
much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

Walt Whitman

random music sampler

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.

2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't
make sense.

How do you feel today?
Friend of mine- Treble Charger

What's your outlook on life?
Permanent Scar- O+S

What does your family think of you?
Amie- Pure Prairie League

What do your friends think of you?
Makes You Crazy- Brett Dennen

What do strangers think of you?
FM Radio- Joshua James

What do your exes think of you?
Gone Forever- Three Days Grace

What do you think of your relationship with your gf/bf?
Whatever It Is- Zac Brown Band

How will your life turn out?
Back Where I Come From- Kenny Chesney

Will you get married?
Tell Me Why- Taylor Swift (...not sure if that's a yes or no)

Are you good at school?
Caught Up- Usher feat. Fabolous (haha I am a little caught up in it)

Will you be successful?
The Sun Doesn't Like You- Norah Jones

What song should they play on your birthday?
Be Gentle With Me- The Boy Least Likely To

What song should they play at your graduation?
Undeniable- Mat Kearney

The Soundtrack of your life?
From Where You Are- Lifehouse

You and your best friends are?
I Remember- Damien Rice

Happy times:
Still On Your Side- BBMak (yeah... 5th grade was a happy time!)

Sad times:
Bulletproof Weeks- Matt Nathanson

Every day:
Love- Matt White

For tommorrow:
Dog Problems- The Format

For you:
Overwhelm- Starfield

What does next year have in store for 5 years?
Meteor City- Joe Purdy (last line- 'didn't worry about the things that we just didn't know.' perfect.)

What do I say when life gets too hard?
My Hanging Surrender- The Wheel

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Dance Me To The End of Love- The Civil Wars

What do you want as your career?
Where Do You Go- National Product (figures it'd be vague)

Your favorite saying?
Heartbreaker- Led Zeppelin

How will I die?
Under my skin- Peter Bradley Adams (killed by love?? probably.)

hiatus

Just a little update to let ya'll know I'm going to take a break from blogging. At least for awhile. This semester is going to be a busy one, but I'm also undergoing a bit of a personal challenge that will most likely shift my mindset a great deal. It's pretty personal, but I'll definitely update you once I'm on the other side.

But, just so you know, I'm pretty happy with life right now :)

Peace & Love!

and so it begins (again)

I figured I should start the year out with a "summer-was-so-great-now-back-to-the-grind" blog. However, I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. Or excited. Or nervous. I'm not feeling much of anything towards this year.

So I'm going to refrain from dumping negativity all over the beginning of my semester, and just state facts: I am a senior in college. I start classes tomorrow.

Sometimes detachment is the only way I can deal with things.

current state of mind

I wish I could run away. Go somewhere far from home, all by myself, and DO something. Not school. Just hit pause on school and come back to graduate once I know what to do. I don't know what to do. And my classmates say they get it, but no one Gets It. No one wants to graduate, but they all know what comes afterwards. I don't.

I don't know if what I need is a plan, or a reality check. It sounds like a stupid time to have a panic attack, my senior year of college, but that's what this feels like. I don't know what to do without someone telling me.

I don't know how to be ready for this.

firefly

This summer, I caught a firefly for the first time in my life. When I was little, I was scared of bugs... I always liked to look at them, not so much touch them. But this summer, on a warm evening in July, sitting in the grass surrounded by friends, a firefly landed in my hand. I'm not so sure if my excitement was about the firefly itself, or about the love I was surrounded with. Either way, the two became inextricably intertwined.

Since that night, I've wanted to badly to catch another firefly. But lately, there haven't been very many. "You can only catch fireflies if there's a lot of them." A friend told me that once.

For some reason, when there were thousands of fireflies swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to catch one. But now, when I am most in need of one, the few that are left circle the night sky aimlessly. It's almost impossible to catch one, when you don't know where to look.

I wonder if that's how answers work, too. For some reason, when there were thousands of answers to my questions swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to get one. But now, when I am most in need of answers, the few that are left circle around aimlessly, just out of my reach.

It's almost impossible to find an answer, when you don't know where to look. And it's almost impossible to know what questions you should be asking in the first place.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own.
'Cause I feel so defeated,
And I'm feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless,
And I have no plans.
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land.

And all I see
It could never make me happy.
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing...

Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
And let that be enough.

Switchfoot & Jars of Clay

in my veins

Do you know what it's like to exist in a constant state of heartbreak? It's not the kind of heartbreak you get past, there is no resolution in sight, because it is a constant ache. An ache without a beginning or end... an ache that just is. The fate of my heart is completely out of my hands, because my heart is in someone else's.

Nothin' goes as planned.
Everything will break.
People say goodbye.
In their own special way.
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.

Everything will change.
Nothin' stays the same.
And nobody here's perfect.
Oh but everyones to blame.
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day

Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sun light.
Shinin', Shinin' down on your face.

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.
No, I cannot get you out.

Andrew Belle

it's funny how things work out

After Delaware, I felt like a failure. A failure at college, a failure at independence... a failure of self. I questioned my abilities. And although everything has been relatively good since then, that deeply-rooted failure is not so easy to shake off.

When I was in the process of transferring, my new school wouldn't accept 3 of the credits I'd earned from Delaware. At the time, it went unnoticed, and by the time I figured it out it was too late to correct. And those credits were 3 that I needed for my minor. It was a beginning drawing class, and I'd gotten a C-. IU only accepts C or better (I should mention that it physically pains me to say the letter C. I don't get C's. I get A's. Yet another reason Delaware gave me the beating of my life).

So as it turned out, I needed to retake that class. I wound up registering for the course at another local school- it was a compressed course, 3 credits in 5 days, all drawing, all the time. I dreaded that class. The thought of drawing again just brought me back to the studio at Delaware, and all the feelings of inadequacy that went along with it.

Though I knew no one in the class, I went. At first, I was very apprehensive. It was a class of mostly nursing majors, and everyone seemed to know each other. It was just me and my charcoal. But something funny happened then- the moment I pressed the charcoal to paper, my hand took over. It didn't even require thought, it was as though my body was programmed to draw that still life. It was like it used to be. My hand did the figuring out, and it left my mind to wander- when I get that absorbed, time doesn't exist. It is a feeling that I haven't experienced in years. In fact, after Delaware, I'd thought it was gone for good.

That class I had hated, that class I had dreaded, that class I had feared ended up being exactly what I needed. It gave me some of my pride back. The little boost of faith in myself that I had been so sorely lacking.

It's funny how things work out.