day five

A time you thought about ending your own life...

A little personal, but I think everyone hits rock bottom at some point. I won't get too verbose here, but basically in sophomore year of high school, I started hanging out with not-such-great friends. They were into sex and drinking and drugs, and since I was friends with them, I became party to all that crap as well. It was kind of a reaction to the death of my cousin, and my subsequent loss of faith- one of those "teenagers acting out" situations, sort of. Except instead of acting out, I was internalizing everything- wondering why nothing could make me feel better, why I wasn't having fun with these people, questioning my self-worth. It was a dark, dark time in my life. And I will admit that for a chunk of that time, the thought of ending my life seemed like a possible solution.

Looking back, that's laughable- killing yourself is never a solution. And with the help of better friends and prayer, I was able to pull myself out of that darkness and back to a place where I could feel happy again. Just to prove a point though, freshmen year of college was another dark time in my life. I hated my school, my major, was stressed and lonely and sad 24/7 and was also dealing with another dying relative. But at no point in that time did the thought of suicide ever enter my mind. I had a sense of my own self-worth, and I knew I would be okay eventually.

So, yes, I think we all hit rock bottom at some point. And some of us stay there for days, weeks, and years. But we learn something in picking ourselves back up again. At least I did.

day four

Your views on religion...

Anyone who reads my blog (probably) knows I am Catholic. Personally, I love my religion, and want to dedicate the rest of my life to learning and exploring it. It is an enormous aspect of my life, and though my faith may sometimes waver, God is ever-present and unchanging.

But the question is about religion, not MY religion. Interestingly enough, I am writing my senior thesis about spirituality and it's effect on well-being. I'm exploring many faiths, not just my own. But the bottom line is, faith benefits everyone. It gives life greater purpose, it brings us into community with others (important, because we are social beings), and saves us from the existential vacuum of the world... and I've been in that existential vacuum before. Pretty awful.

I think religion is important. Belief in a higher power puts our small, human problems into much greater perspective. And belief in a plan greater than our own brings our lives fulfillment. I don't know that it's necessarily Catholic to believe in "all paths to God", but I have a hard time denouncing anything that brings people closer to the Truth. No one will accept a religion that is shoved down their throats, and some people don't come to find faith until later in life- everyone has a different relationship with God.

But, yeah, I guess I think that religion is kind of important! :)

day three

Your views on drugs and alcohol...

I'm going to be brief. I think drugs are truly a pointless waste of time. I have many friends who are or have been involved with drugs, and I can honestly say that I've never had any interest in that. I love my friends, but it's not for me.

Alcohol, again... not really important to me. I love having a glass of wine every now and then, and sometimes even a cold beer- and when I'm with good friends, it can be fun to have a drink or two. But going out every night and getting hammered? So not my thing. It's funny, but I think turning 21 has actually made me LESS interested in drinking alcohol.

day two

Where you'd like to be in 10 years...

In the past 4 years, I've gone through about 30 different "options" for my future. At first (and for most of my life), I was sure I'd be an artist. I used to just want to paint and be one of those romantic, starving-artist types, but as I got closer to college, I started getting a little more realistic. I saw myself as a graphic designer, possibly in advertising or something. After a few short weeks of art school, that notion went down the toilet. So I registered as a typical, undecided student. Didn't know what direction to go in. But I've always considered youth ministry to be a potential outlet. I'd been involved in youth ministry, to some degree, for 5 years. I knew it, I loved it, and hey, the pay might suck, but at least I'd be happy (Disclaimer: I have not given up on this; if it's not my career, I still want to remain involved with it for as long as I can). Eventually, time got down to the wire and I had to declare a major. I chose psychology, and whether that was on a whim or what was supposed to happen, I may never know. But that opened up a whole new box of possibilities: there was art therapy, marriage and family counseling, crisis counseling, research... anything and everything. Like I needed the extra confusion!

So where am I now? In the past several months, I've been thinking and praying hard for guidance and direction. And then one day, it was just there. I'll teach college theology. I'd go to grad school, get a Masters in Theology. I'd continue on for a Doctorate, while teaching as an adjunct somewhere. It just seems to make sense. Is it 100% definitely what I'll be doing in 10 years? Maybe not. But for now, that is what I see and want for myself.

In 10 years, I will be 31 (yikes). I'll be married to an awesome, Catholic guy. We'll both work, and I'll be teaching part time and probably still working on my Doctorate. We'll be starting a family, and once that happens, I'll probably take a few years off of work to be home with my children. I might also be working on writing a book, as it's something I've always wanted to do. We'll probably live around this area, because I love it here and want to raise a family here. Most of all, I see myself happy. Happy with my family, with my job, and my life.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B...!

day one

My friend Meg recently started the "30 days of blogging" challenge (you can read her blog here). I think this is a kind of cool way to regularly update the blog, while expanding on some aspects of my life that I maybe haven't written about before. Also, awesome for the days when I don't know what to write about! So, I think I'm going to attempt this venture as well- although chances are good that I might throw some random, non-challenge-related blogs out there in the middle of it.

Ready? Here goes.

Your current relationship- if single, discuss...

Yep. I'm single. Funny how many different emotions and reactions that one word can evoke. To some people, single means alone. To others, single means freedom. Some fear. Others desire. Some envy. Others longing. On any given day, I go through all of these thoughts about my current state in life.

If I stand back and look at my life, I can understand why I am single, and why it is currently a good thing. I am still on the path to figuring out what I want for myself- career-wise, and life-wise (whatever the hell "finding yourself" means). I am in a constant state of change and flux... a real challenge for someone as fixed and stubborn as me. I can only imagine that any relationship I had right now would be temporary and volatile. But as cheesy as it sounds, I know that I need to be content with myself before I can expect to find anyone else content with me.

Big picture though, the goal is to find someone. I want to fall in love with some amazing guy, and get married. I am the kind of person that needs to love, and give love. I want someone to lean on, and to lean on me. I know that along the way, I've written blogs about this before. But especially now, as a 21-year-old senior in college, I am surrounded by couples, and people getting engaged, and meeting their future spouses. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, and sometimes I feel really angry about not having that yet... Not yet.

For now, I am single. At the drop of a hat, I can feel happy/sad/jealous/angry/content/worried/confident/free. I don't know if I can say that's good or bad, or perhaps that's just life. But there it is.

detachment

I don't know if I would go so far as to say I have social phobia... but I basically do. Until I figure out what I'm doing with myself and my life, I don't expect I'll ever feel comfortable around groups of people. Even my oldest, closest friends, all of a sudden, feel threatening to me. I don't know if I'm embarrassed, or feel inadequate, or both. It's really upsetting, but I am anxious around everybody! I cancel plans, I back out on commitments... and I hate meeting new people. I am ridiculously self-conscious, and I just feel like everyone is judging me. I wasn't always like this, and I don't know when exactly it started (although, looking back, I realized that I've blogged about this before). I would just so much rather be alone, reading a book or something, than out with people.

I still don't know whether I should worry, or if this is all just temporary until I get my sh** together. Because, I kind of have yet to do that. I'll just file this one under the 5,000 other New Year's resolutions I have for 2011... right. Here's hoping some of them will finally stick.

Morning People

I am a night owl. Always have been. For some reason, I am always energized at night- doing work, reading, tossing & turning, what have you. I've always said, "I go to sleep in the morning, and I wake up in the afternoon!" Kind of pathetic, but basically true. Where normal people go to bed by, let's say, eleven, my average bedtime is about 2AM. But I've been wondering... can night owls change? I think I'd much rather get sleep earlier, and enjoy the beginnings of each day!

Today, after a night of restless insomnia, I decided to give up on the idea of sleeping and greet the day. It was still pitch black outside, but I decided to attend 6AM mass. Much to my surprise, there were people there. A lot of people! After mass, I went to the grocery store to pick up breakfast. There were people there, too! Driving home, I passed all sorts of people running and walking and enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. Apparently, there is this whole other world of people who drink coffee, go running, attend daily mass... it's amazing! It's mind-boggling! It's inspiring!

I think, this year, I'd like to become one of these Morning People. I, too, would like to rise with the sun and relax for a few hours before I have to face my daily responsibilities. No more all-nighters. No more waking up at lunch time. No more exhaustion.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

this is the new year

Another year you've made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around.
And do not save this for tomorrow,
Embrace the past and you can live for now.
And I will give the world to you.

Speak louder than the words before you,
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important,
We are the voices of the underground.
And I will give the world to you.

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
Because in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I would give the world to you.

A million stars that shine upon me
A million eyes, you are the brightest blue.
We'll tear the walls down that divide us
And build a statue strong enough for two.
Let's get back to you.
And I will wait for you.
Because I would give the world
And I would give the world
And I would give the world to you.

This is a new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is a new year
We are the voices
This is a new year.

Ian Axel

goodbye 2010

Well, 2010 has come and gone. It feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year with my best friend and some spiked egg nog, but here we are again.

My "celebrating" is going to be simple, in the hopes that perhaps that same simplicity will spill over into all the other areas of my life this year. That is my resolution. To simplify.

Theres all sorts of ins and outs and plans and ideas, but I won't bore you with those. Just know that I hope each and every one of you has a blessed and joyous New Year, and that God will continue to shower you with his love and friendship.

Cheers! (and happy new year :)

something good coming

As usual for the beginning of December, I am staring down a pile of work about as tall as I am. And, as usual, thanks to one certain retreat, I have never felt less like doing it. I'll get it done. I always do, somehow. But I just felt like blogging. And reminding myself that in ONE WEEK, I will be free from all these problems. December 15th will be a wonderful day.

The song of the day is "Something Good Coming" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. It's stuck in my head in the greatest way, and the lyrics are totally hitting home for me right now. Enjoy!