this year

At the end of each year, I like to take a few minutes and think about the past 365 days. What was good? Bad? What have I learned? 2009 turned out to be quite a year for me. At least, in proving things to myself. For someone who is prone to self-doubt, I have made some lofty accomplishments.

1. I am smart. This isn't to sound cocky or arrogant, because up until this year I seriously doubted my academic abilities. I AM smart. I CAN do well in school. And even though I still have no clue what I'm doing in school, it's comforting to know that I can handle it. I've finally proven it to myself.
2. I am capable of change. I did it once, and I can do it again. This year I'll work on the not-giving-up-on-myself.
3. I need people. I lived alone for awhile, and sometimes I even enjoyed it. But at the end of each day, I wanted to come home and tell someone about it. Anyone. I love my friends and need them more than I like to admit to myself.
4. I can surprise myself. I whine and I doubt, but when I decide something is worth it, I'll go for it. Even when I have everything to lose. It surprised me, but I am glad for what I've done. And I am fascinated thinking of all the things I am capable of.
5. I can overcome. I've seen and experienced a lot of unpleasant and painful events and situations over the years, and it never gets any easier. But no matter the circumstances, I can get past them. We all can.

Now, here we go. New Years resolutions. Where we take what we've learned the past year, and use it as a jump-off point to set goals for the next. It's a great idea in theory, but I always go back and forth over whether or not to even set them, because it seems as though the shelf life on New Year's resolutions is approximately 3 weeks. But I am going to set one.

I have been offering the world a "less-than" version of myself. A Beth who is generally a good person, an okay friend- and then I complain about how things don't go my way... NOT the most I can give of myself. In 2010, I vow to become the best possible version of myself. In every way that can be accomplished. You are all my witnesses. It shall be done.

This year, is gonna be incredible

This year, is gonna be the one

All the planets are lining up for me

This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece

This year, I'll be recognized

I can feel like I'll fall in love for real

This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly

February, love's gonna find me

March, April, May, I'll get carried away

Oh, oh...

I'm gonna have fun

Just watch me now

This year

"This Year" Chantal Kreviazuk

merry christmas

I love Christmas. I love the lights and the music and the traditions. It's a time where we tell the people we love how much they mean to us, and share gifts and spend time together. It's so full of love. But tonight, on Christmas Eve, I am thinking about something a little different.

I can't say I'm lucky or fortunate, because I don't really believe in luck. And I can't say I'm so blessed, because that would imply that some people are less blessed by God, and I simply don't believe that is true either. But the fact that I have luxuries and gifts to be received makes me feel sad. Obviously, I am grateful for everything I have. But my heart breaks thinking about the people who are homeless. People who are cold and alone and sad. Can you imagine how awful it must be to not have a home, no shower, no clothes except for what is on your back, no family or friends... and to have people passing you on the streets afraid to look at you? Think of all the people who have lost loved ones. People who can't afford a loaf of bread, while we're gathered around tables full of food. All of the little girls and boys that Santa Claus won't be visiting tonight.

This isn't supposed to make you depressed or guilty. But reflecting on this, I know in my heart, more than ever, that I am supposed to help these people. It's not enough for me just to feel thankful for what I have. I want to be able to share that with others. I need to know that I am doing everything I can to make someone's life a little better. God came to earth as a man on Christmas, to love and serve everyone He could. Tonight I am feeling the call to serve as well. I am not sure of the specifics yet, but God's pretty good at getting me right where I need to be.

So today, when you think about people who are sad or alone, say a special prayer for them, that they may know God's warmth and love. Whether it's in the generosity of a stranger or the care of an old friend. And tell the ones you love just how much you love them now, while you have the chance. I love all of you, and wish you a very blessed Christmas.

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

For a season so full of noise and shopping and things, I've been finding a lot of peace in nature. The world that we live in, the way it was before we messed it all up with unnecessary things. Take today for instance- this is the first time in ages I remember getting so much snow, over a foot! My family and I were completely snowed in. We had fun and tried to make the best of it by decorating the house and baking cookies, but eventually we all got cabin fever and started getting annoyed (it's inevitable). When there's so much going on, it's like sensory overload, and usually my situation gets the best of me, be it stress or annoyance or anger. I talk about it all the time here, but in the moment, it's hard for me to remember to relax. Just BE. Breathe.

But tonight, I decided to go out on the porch and look at the snow. I needed some fresh air, and a break from my family. It was gorgeous outside, sparkling and bright, everything blanketed in perfection. The thing that hit me right away though was the quiet. Have you ever listened to snow fall? It's like someone put a pair of earmuffs over the entire world. Everything is so muffled and peaceful and it's the best sound I think I've ever heard, that quiet. Quiet is so hard to find during such a busy time of year, but it's the most important time to look for it. It's yet another reminder of how small and insignificant all of the stuff we concern ourselves with is, and how great God's plan is. So much bigger and more beautiful than our small minds can comprehend. Lucky for us, He gives us little glimpses of that beauty on days like today. When the snow falls and the world is, for however short a time, at peace.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."

Desiderata

shooting star

After a long night of reminiscing with old friends, I headed out into the silent, complete darkness. At first, it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dark, but as I walked to my car, I noticed the sky. It was the brightest blue I'd ever seen it, and completely alive with stars. Stars were everywhere... every constellation was visible. It was one of those moments where you revel in your own human insignificance. It put everything I am currently worried about into perspective, just thinking about how much more there is to life, beyond the petty trials of man.

And there it was. Directly overhead, a star blazed across the sky. Of course I made a wish, it's practically a reflex. But that star was like a little reminder from God. It filled me with joy. The kind of joy you really only remember from being a kid. With all of the "big" problems and worries I face on a daily basis, seeing something so simple and beautiful is exactly what I needed. I didn't get any answers, or come up with a solution to any problems. I got something much more important.

That star gave me hope.

fears

(I am writing this after watching "The Wedding Planner", if that helps to explain the context of this blog.)

I want to get married. I want to love someone with my whole heart, and make a lifetime commitment to them. I want to have a baby! A sweet, small, warm little person to sing to, and rock to sleep, and love more than anything in the world. I want to have a house with someone, and make holiday traditions with my family, and pack lunches! I don't want a white picket fence, I don't need a fairy tale... my expectations aren't that unrealistic. But I want to be a wife. And a mom.

And I am absolutely terrified that I won't have any of that. I am scared of dying, and heights... but most of all, I am terrified that I will be alone. Some days, it seems so certain- like, I feel called to all of that, so of course it will happen. Then other times, I look at my life, my lack of relationships and I literally panic. What if? What if I never get that happy ending? What if I do end up alone? I keep praying that my husband is just going to appear someday soon, because I am now in my 20's, and this is the time we're supposed to be meeting them, isn't it? Maybe not. But in my scared, panicky little place, these are the thoughts that creep in, disrupting my peace of mind.

So I pray. As unsatisfying as that often feels, that's really all we can do, right?

breathing room

Denial and all, I survived the past week. I am writing this a free woman. You know that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean and a wave crashes over you? It sends you spinning into the sand so hard that you're not sure which way is up. So you're confused, scared, and you can't breathe. THAT is what last week felt like. Now, it feels like that first gulp of fresh air. Maybe I am a little worse for the wear (my under-eye circles definitely prove that) but I can breathe again. I can relax again.

I have nothing of real consequence to say, other than that I am happy. I think.

denial

It's not the last week of classes. I don't have a biology project due on Wednesday, or a stat assignment due on Thursday. I do not have to get ready to lead a Kairos this weekend. I don't have to wash every stitch of clothing I own before Thursday. And I definitely do not have finals starting bright and early on Monday morning.

Except that I do. All of the above is true. I am spreading myself so thin this week I'm not sure I'll even sleep (but sure, let's write a blog?). Often, denial is my coping mechanism. Instead of working on a secret Kairos surprise for my sister, I learned to play a new song on the guitar. Instead of working on my biology project, I caught up on Gossip Girl reruns. Why do I do this?

Because the problems don't ever actually go away. They all bide time, piling up, and before long that huge stack of issues comes crashing into my stream of consciousness. Leaving me with 3 days, 1,000,000 things to accomplish, and only two hands. Let the panic attacks begin! (Or should I say, continue?)

"Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean."

Meredith Grey

happy thanksgiving

In the spirit of this holiday of gratitude, here are some of the things that make my heart feel all warm & fuzzy (but that I often take for granted):

My crazy, dysfunctional family. As much as they drive me berserk, I know that they love me and support me, and that's pretty awesome if you ask me.

My wonderful, mismatched group of friends. All different, all amazing, all LOVE. Mother Theresa said "Love, and be loved." I think my friends pretttty much have that in the bag.

My cat Noel! She's my little angel, who purrs and keeps me warm at night. She's 10000000x better than a teddy bear. Plus, she's adorable. (File this one under the warm fuzzies!)

Food, shelter, & warmth. I am fortunate enough to have all three, in abundance, and it breaks my heart to think about all the people who aren't as fortunate.

Music. Being able to sing, play guitar (what little I know), and having love, passion, & true appreciation for music of all genres. "Where words fail, music speaks."

Hot tea! And green smoothies, and veggie juices... and all the other random beverages that put a smile on my face.

My education. I stress, I complain, and I dread it, but the truth is, I am privileged to be getting a challenging Catholic education. I am learning so much every semester, and I do feel that IU is where I am supposed to be. Even if I took a slightly roundabout way to get here!

Faith. I don't know if I can technically be grateful for faith, because absolutely anyone can choose to have it. But I am thankful for my parish, and youth group programs and retreat opportunities- past and present! I can say with 100% certainty that they have played a huge role in shaping me to be the person that I am today.

My card game. Okay, so you know that whole, "It's not the cards that your dealt, it's how you play your hand" adage? Well, I'd be lying if I said I was thankful for all the crappy stuff I've had to deal with over the years. But what I am thankful for is 'how I played my hand', rather, how I overcame and endured the struggles and pain. I'm a lot stronger for it.

Sunrises. Most of the defining moments in my life are marked by sunrises (or all-nighters... sometimes both!) They are so symbolic of new beginnings; each new day holds so much potential for good. Not to mention, the colors in the sunrise are always beautiful!

There are thousands more things that I could go on and on about, but my point is this- there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for, and there is always a reason to smile. Close your eyes (yes now... okay well, read this, and then close your eyes) and take three long, deep breaths. Feel the air go in and out- that is a miracle! Breathing is a miracle. Every single breath is a reminder that we are here, we are alive, and we have unlimited potential. Thank God! Happy Thanksgiving everyone- much love!

For every moment of joy
Every hour of fear
For every winding road that brought me here
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving.
For everyone who helped me start
And for everything that broke my heart
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving.

("My Thanksgiving"- Don Henley)

luckiest girl in the world

You know those nights where you stay up for hours with someone you love, talking about nothing, and yet, everything all at the same time? Someone you love, who knows you so well that they can practically read your mind. Sharing stories and thoughts and dreams, singing songs... time seems to stop for a few hours. Time doesn't even matter when you're that happy and at peace. Me, I am unsettled, undecided, and unsure about school and the future and my life. But when I am with a friend, or friends, that I love, talking like that, I am so utterly content. And its nights like these when I think to myself, 'I am the luckiest girl in the world.'

Sure, you might catch me on a bad day saying otherwise. And like I said, I am unsure about a lot of things. And heck, I am unhappy with aspects of my life. Even in spite of my sins and my troubles, I have family, I have shelter, I have material things... but I have the BEST friends a girl could ever want. Truly. They know me- they know my quirks, my pet peeves, my dreams, my sadness. And after all that, they love me anyway. The real me. I don't know what I ever did to deserve so much love in my life.

And as much as it sucks that college separates us (and believe me, it totally sucks), and it hurts to be away from the people I love, even if only for a few months... the seeing them again? Priceless. Getting a hug from someone you love and haven't seen in 4 months is one of the best feelings ever. I am so lucky. Actually, I am so BLESSED.

free to be me

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me.

rainy day lament

Sometimes, I love the rain. Other times, on rainy days, I start feeling melancholy about my life. Relationships. School. You know, all that stuff that crowds and confuses our existence. It all seems to carry much more weight when the sun isn't shining, pressing down on my chest till it hurts to breathe.

Today, I was in such a mood. For the longest time, I just dwelled on it. Everything that was upsetting me, everything that I should be doing, and am not. My inability to move on. Uncertainty about the future. But I realized that dwelling on it all just makes everything suck that much more. So I decided that rain or no rain, I need to stop letting things affect me negatively. Especially things that are well within my control.

The outcome of all this pondering: The Happy List. I wrote down all of the things, big and small, that I need/want/should do. I know that being able to check some of those things off of a list will definitively improve my mood. It's a way of actively managing your life... and having control over the little things makes it easier to deal with the big things that we don't get to have control over. Someday, maybe I'll share my list. For now, it's all mine... don't worry, you'll be able to tell if the list is working.

my new motto

Inspiration sure does hit me at the weirdest times, and it comes from the weirdest sources. I was watching an episode of America's Next Top Model, and Miss J was telling this girl, "If you keep doin' what you're doin', you'll keep gettin' what ya got." Brilliant. Basically, don't expect anything in your life to change if you arent willing to change it.

This is so true, and sometimes it's very hard for me to grasp... I want things to change with minimal effort on my part. Apparently, that's not how it works, and I've never heard it said so honestly and concisely. So methinks that is my new motto. It's pretty legit- Miss J is one smart drag queen... like I said, there is no rhyme or reason to what inspires me :)

strange truths

I love quizzes. Not the school kind, the fun facebook-y, seventeen magazine quizzes. You know, the kind that "reveal all sorts of interesting facets of your personality." (Which, if we're being completely honest, you most likely already know.) I have encountered two quizzes that either, A. Told me something I didn't actually know about myself, or B. Called me out on some things I don't like admitting to myself are true. So, here are my results. I linked the quizzes, so you should all take them, and then put up your results too! It's fun!

A. I don't know if you've ever learned about Carl Jung & Myers-Briggs (I'm a psych major, so Jung pretty much goes with the territory), but he was this psychologist who developed a method of organizing and determining an individual's personality based on a bunch of questions- introvert, extrovert, intuitive, feeling, etc. You get the drift. It's SO cool- it brings to light aspects of your personality that you either don't notice or don't think about. When they break it down, I am an INFP (introvert intuitive feeling perceiving), and they really hit the nail right on the head with this one:

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

B. The infamous color quiz. This one's pretty accurate as well; it called me out on a few things:

Your Existing Situation

Inclined to choose luxurious things, which are gratifying to the senses. Turned off by things which are tacky and tasteless.

Your Stress Sources

Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as herself, but finds the need unfulfilled. Her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of herself. She would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on.

Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence.

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging.

quitting vs. failing

Ever dug a hole in the sand? At first it's slow going, but then you start to make some real progress, and what happens? The sand starts to cave in again. Or, for instance, let's say you're trapped in the hole. You try to climb your way out, but there's no ladder. No steps. It starts to get really difficult, trying to claw your way up out of the pit you've dug yourself into. The idea of just sinking back down and resigning yourself to life in that hole becomes more and more appealing. That is what addiction is like. You can imagine yourself outside the hole, how much better life would be, how you'd stop hurting everyone around you, how great it would be. But when it comes to actually getting yourself out of the hole? It's hard work. You're in a trap, and you can see the way out, but it's the act of getting there that is the issue... it's all way easier said than done.

Have you ever been trapped like this? I have. I am. It all starts with the desire for control in your life, however small that control might be. But it consumes you, and in the blink of an eye, everything is completely OUT of control. Be it sins, weaknesses, or substances, addiction is like some sort of self-inflicted torture. Addiction is ugly. And 9 times out of 10, you're not just fighting for your own peace of mind. You're fighting for your life. You try, and you try, but with each step forward, you take two steps back. And every time you give up the fight, even if for a moment, you sink a little bit deeper into the hole. You know how you got here. Now, how do you get out?

I guess I'll let you know when I figure that part out. Because I'm not letting this beat me. There is a difference between quitting and failing. And EVEN if I fail, it won't be because I didn't try. It won't be because I gave up. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it is in the struggle where you find strength.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

you are the music, while the music lasts

I'm not going to say I'm a big believer in horoscopes; I don't think that our lives can be so easily predicted. But on my computer, I have a little "astrology" application- I keep it, mostly because instead of predictions, it gives me little things to think about each day. Often, they do really seem applicable to my life. The one I received today, I felt that I should share with you:

Love the music you and your friends make! After all, the differences, not the similarities, keep you all so close. You may not always believe those who hold different views, but you should always believe in your friends! Embrace and respect the freedom of interaction among you. Harmony doesn't happen when all the notes are the same; it happens when different notes come together and create a beautiful sound.

This succinctly describes how I often feel about our crazy, mismatched group of friends. As strange as it always has seemed, as a whole, it just works... all of us together. We've got dreamers, we've got realists, we've got jocks, and band kids. Singers, and those that can't carry a tune. Writers, artists, nurses, comedians, geniuses. Everyone so uniquely different. The thing with harmonies though, is that to work, each part is played on the same scale. I like to think that the scale, the collective whole, is God's plan- how we met, how our friendships developed, and how they withstand the many changes life throws at us. Like a song, each part bends and adjusts to each new measure. And, amidst all of the changes, in the end... it's beautiful.

learning to fly

I've made mistakes

but I won't be ashamed

it feels like fate is liftin' me

I can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.

I no longer hide

so I let the sun wash over me

'cause there's no darkness left

to hold me down.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

when you lose your way

when your heart breaks

when you can't escape

you feel just like a prisoner

of all the world says you will never be.

that's when you can't give up,

gotta hold on tighter now than ever

the answers will find you when you believe.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

and I tried, yeah I tried, to get somewhere I'd rather be

but sometimes the fastest way is not so easy.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

to austin

I remember it so clearly, it seems like it was yesterday. I know that's what people always say, but it's the truth. I remember driving up to school that morning, seeing the news van and cameras. I remember being filed into the auditorium for a class assembly, right as I walked in the doors. I remember the worry on our faces, the teachers' curious stares. I remember Fr. Matt taking the microphone, and trying to put what had happened to you into a sentence that made any kind of sense. I remember that feeling, when he said your name. I remember hearing the gasps. It was like someone had sucked the air out of the room. My stomach dropped, my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking it was some sick joke, like you were going to come out and laugh and tell us how lame we all were for being that gullible... it sounds stupid, thinking back on it, but that's honestly what was going through my mind. I would've believed anything other than the cold, painful truth they were telling us- that you were gone. It was so hazy that day, but now it is so clearly embedded in my memory. The prayer services... the hugging. Everyone hugging and crying. People who weren't even remotely close to being friends, consoling each other. The "toughest" guys in school became sobbing messes. I was a sobbing mess too. I've never experienced loss on such a large scale- you affected everyone while you were here, and it was evident that we would not quickly recover. I remember the viewing, and having to look your mom and dad in the eyes, trying to mumble something- knowing full well that there wasn't a phrase in the English language that could even begin to ease their pain. I remember the funeral, the music... OUR music. Mr. A's eulogy... how you had that prayer card with you in the car that night. To this day, I can't look at it and not think of you.

We weren't best friends. I'm not going to pretend that we were- but we were friends. We spent those afternoons after school freshmen year, in the lobby, when Billy would steal us drinks. I remember just sitting around and talking with you. You were so sure of yourself, but in the best way. And that smile... I don't think you ever stopped smiling. I remember you that afternoon, before we left for Trinity. I was excited for you. I remember your face that night, during adoration. Singing- you loved the music. Every time I sing for adoration, I think of you. You were so sure in your faith, and you constantly emanated peace and love. You were such an example- heck, I was a leader that weekend, and I found myself learning more from your example than I think I ever could've taught. You affected us all, in life, and in death. My heart still aches every time I think of you, and that smile, and your parents and your little sister. My heart aches every time I hear that song. The constant reminders of you are painful, but they bring to mind such beautiful memories about you, and your life, and the tangible impact you had on every single person in our class. Every single person on Trinity. What I saw that weekend, with you and everyone else, leaves me with little doubt of the loving presence of God. I know that He was with you the night of your accident, and I know that now you're with Him.

It's been exactly three years. I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write this, other than getting it all out into words is something I had yet to do. Austin, you are loved, and you are missed dearly. Please watch over us.

fairy tales

I've been reflecting a lot on life ever since we began this blogging habit, and I've come to some interesting conclusions about myself. One that I've been mulling over lately has to do with my relationships. I don't know how to love people "a little bit". I love wholly, and completely. I get attached to people. I haven't figured out if this is a virtue or a fault. It certainly puts my heart on the chopping block, vulnerable and asking to be broken. But on the other hand, when the love is real, whether it be family or friends or a significant other... it's the greatest feeling in the world. But the truth is, even the ones we love disappoint us. Often, they're the ones with the ability to disappoint us the most.

But I just finished watching the movie Enchanted- yes, I get that it's rated like, G, and most 20-year-olds would say that's exceptionally lame- but the message is so poignant in my life, especially lately. It's about looking for the good. Even when you seem naive. Even when things suck. There is good everywhere- and life is unbearable when you constantly dwell on the bad; I know this, firsthand. Sure, fairy tales don't really exist. But no one ever said that happily ever after doesn't. Whether it's in this life on earth, or the next life- seek truth. Seek love. Seek beauty. Be child-like. And you will definitely find your happy ending. Someone pretty RELIABLE told me so :)

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19: 14

new skill

bal⋅ance [bal-uhns]

–noun

1.	a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Balance. For some, it's everything- it's the only thing. For me, not so much. My whole life I've been extreme. All schoolwork, or no schoolwork. Constantly working out, or not at all. Never did I venture into that middle ground... I wish I knew why. Because apparently, that's where all the happiness was hidden, and I was just too stubborn to find it.

My past few days I've been experimenting with how to balance aspects of my life. And I gotta say, it's a pretty phenomenal skill. So simple, yet so effective. Maybe you have all been practicing balance your entire lives, honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I'm not the most normal human being, and I like it that way. But, as it turns out, I also really like a little schoolwork, a little downtime, a few chores, and getting a healthy amount of sleep. Does wonders for a girl!

the struggle

I was listening to the radio the other day on the way to class (it was a Christian station- I know, I'm kind of a dork), and someone had called in with a problem they were struggling with in their relationship, and the host on the radio show told him this: "Struggle is a good thing... it means you haven't given up." I haven't been able to shake those words from my head. Because he was right. We only struggle with something when we know that it matters. It means we haven't given up on ourselves. It is so easy to shrug it off when we mess up, or just tell ourselves we aren't good enough. Or that we will always be caught in the same trap. Stuck with the same addictions. Falling to the same sins. We pretend that we can't change, mostly, I think, because we're afraid to try. We're afraid to ask for help when we need it. Whether it's God, a friend, or a professional- we're afraid to admit to ourselves that we need help. Believe me, I'll be the first to tell you how stubborn I am, and how much I feel like I need to control- I hate asking people for help. But the second that I admit to myself my weaknesses, I find strength.

Therefore, struggle is a blessing. Struggle is grace. Struggle means we're strong enough to know that we're human, to know that we make mistakes, and in spite of all of that, to know that we aren't going to give up. And in the end, if we keep struggling, keep holding on to hope... we win.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there', and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20

three deep breaths

I get so angry sometimes. So frustrated. So caught up in the moment and full of emotion, that my judgement is completely clouded. I hate that feeling, and I just want to give up on whatever it is I'm doing. Whether it's a stupid math problem, or a friend problem. I have a temper- it's a fact. Maybe it's the italian side of me, who knows.

When I get that mad, it's hard for me to see anything else. Usually, I wind up throwing my textbook and pen across the room in frustration (or cell phone, depending on the situation). But then I stop. I see how ridiculous it is to be upset over something that is SO in my control. I take three deep breaths. I walk away from the problem. I hang up the phone. I just leave it for a few minutes, and it puts it all into perspective.

Come back to the problem later, and it will probably make sense. And if not, skip it. Things that emotionally taxing are usually not worth having in your life at all. It's like the breathing- breathe OUT the old, and take in the fresh, clean oxygen. Every breath is a new start... a chance to change.

happy thoughts

I have nothing of real consequence to say, other than that I am truly happy. I had one of those days that most people probably wouldn't consider fun, and my classes were sort of boring, but at the end of the day, I felt happy. I am smiling. I am learning to find joy in the little things. Like how today was supposed to be rainy and gross. I think it only rained for a total of 5 minutes, and I even saw some sunshine later on. To some people, maybe that means nothing. But it made me happy.

I'd like to impart some wisdom on ya'll, from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. "Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things... and making those count for more than the bad stuff." My life will never be perfect, but I think I actually am starting to love myself for my imperfections. It is our imperfections that make life interesting, after all. And even though I haven't a clue where life is taking me, I feel confident that, in this moment, I am on the right path. I am where I need to be. Where this path leads, I have yet to find out...

But hey, isn't that half the fun?

everything i know about life, i learned from a chick flick

Okay. Maybe that makes me a total sap. A hopeless romantic. Whatever. I was watching "Never Been Kissed" today on TV (by the way, if you haven't seen it, you should), and I was thinking about this. You are the star of your own life. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, you run the show. Sure, you can fall back and act like a secondary character (Lord knows, I've done that more times than I'd like to admit) but ultimately, you have the ability to call the shots. To become the best possible version of yourself.

In any good chick flick, the happy ending does not come easily, however. There will always be forces working against you, be it a person, a stressful situation, a troublesome relationship, what have you. You have two options. 1) Let it control you, and possibly lose a little bit of yourself in the process; or, 2) like those beautiful women in the movies, rise above your circumstances. We all have humiliating/sad/troubled pasts. I know I would not be the same without mine. But never, ever let the past rule your life... you can overcome it. People don't just happen into their happy endings, they must work for them. Life is all about choices.

Also, just to clear up any misconceptions about chick flicks, Mr. Right does not exist. At least, not generally speaking. There is only such a thing as Mr. Right-for-you. And chances are, he isn't an underwear model in his spare time, or some world-famous rock star. Often, he is the last person you'd expect to knock you off your feet. And you will never know when he is going to enter your story. Maybe it's two years from now, maybe it's tomorrow, or maybe it was 15 years ago on a playground somewhere. But the important thing is that you stop looking. He's not going to find you any faster if you obsess about it. So let your story unfold, and stop trying to rush things.

Most importantly, you are in control of your own happiness. You need to be happy with yourself before you can truly be happy with someone else. Like all things in life, happiness is a choice we must make. There are millionaires in the world with every material thing they could want, and still they are not fully happy. And there are people living in complete poverty, surrounded by death and destruction, who have lost nearly everything, and they still get out of bed in the morning. They find reasons to smile. Because they know something that those millionaires do not. It doesn't matter how much you have... money doesn't make you happy, YOU make you happy. If you are in a bad place in life, do something about it. We must make the best of whatever situation life has dealt us, because otherwise, what is the point? "It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness." Bad things will happen, yes. You will get knocked down sometimes, it's a fact. But if these movies have taught me anything at all, it's that you only fail when you stay down.

never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
And know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow, you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I’m not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby, you're never alone.

wine glass

I can't believe it- I'm two weeks in, and I am still alive. I'm actually surprising myself this semester with schoolwork. I have made it my goal thus far to avoid procrastination at all costs (I know, "avoid procrastination" sounds funny to me too, it's just for lack of a better word). So far, so good. Oddly enough, staying on top of things makes me happier. I can actually relax and enjoy my weekends.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... I am a junior in college. That still sounds so bizarre. But the more I think about it, the less I feel like a college student. It's funny. A lot of my friends are of the "I'm-independent-now-and-I-can-do-whatever-I-darn-well-please-so-let's-all-get-drunk" mindset. I have never really been into the whole party scene, and to be honest, I'm not sure I ever will be. Obviously, I am not 21 yet, so I can't definitively say I'll never be into partying. Perhaps, when you turn 21, you wake up with a newfound urge to drink anything and everything you can get your grown-up hands on. That's not to say I've never drank, or been drunk, and I'm certainly not promising I'll never get drunk again. But the desire to do it? I just don't have it.

Tonight, I was hanging out at home in my pajamas and helping cook dinner, and I had a glass of wine. It was perfect. Call me an old lady, or whatever you want, but I loved it. I felt so content with my life. Maybe it's because I really AM content with my life, and I just needed that little glass to loosen up and put everything into perspective. But while tequila and beer make everything fuzzy, wine made me see things so clearly. We should smile at everyone, learn to laugh at ourselves, and love without expectation, because life is wonderful- and don't you forget it!

and so it begins

Well, that is it. My glorious summer has been replaced with classes, papers, and stress. School doesn't always have to be miserable, in fact, I'll be doing my best to enjoy it this year. But Lord knows, I will miss the carefree days of summer.

I don't actually have a whole lot to say for myself right now. Even in spite of school, life is good. I still feel good about the way I left things with certain people, and even (oddly enough) feel pretty good about myself. This year, I have a feeling that some things are going to change... for the better. We'll just have to wait and see!

In other news, I chopped my hair off. I was getting tired of it, and yesterday I was feeling impulsive, and I just decided to go for it. And, what do you know, I love it. Sometimes, spontaneity can be a good thing.

on your marks

We all hate to clean, right? But sometimes, we have to clean. The things we dread the most are often the things we need the most. We're just usually too stubborn to admit it. I've spent the past week cleaning my house, "dusting off" my personal life, and finally, laying it all out in confession. Room is clean. Mind is clean. Slate is clean.

As much as I do not want classes to start today, I have never been more ready in my life. Bring it on, world.

august is complicated

It's a double-edged sword. I love summer, I truly do. But August brings so many changes and memories to mind, it's nearly suffocating. You can practically feel it. The nights come much sooner, and the air gets a little cooler, and you know. You know that in a few short days or weeks, everything is going to shift. Life is an ever-moving cycle, I get that. But there are certain times I wish we could just hit pause. Times when life is so full of happiness and love, that the mere thought of change makes my heart ache.

I guess maybe you need a little background to understand.

Our story is not typical of most friends. I say "our story", because it used to be difficult to define us as anything but Us. Although the beginning of Us technically began on a Catholic retreat, I'm not going to preach about how Jesus changed our lives, and we were all spiritually enlightened and all of that hoopla. Really, God was simply the common thread that wove our lives together, when otherwise we may never have met. There were 12 of us in total, and we all fit together in the strangest, most perfect ways. But ever since graduating from high school and leaving for college, August marked the end of life as we once knew it- bringing feelings of loss and sadness I wasn't fully prepared to endure. Yes, we would see each other on breaks, but it would never be quite the same. Up until that August, our lives were intertwined. Complimentary, even. Once we all left, our lives became separate. I went off to art school and failed miserably. I hated the school, I hated the classes, I hated the people, but most of all, I hated that I was hating everything alone. I didn't have my best friends to feel everything with me anymore. So I came home, and transferred to a local college. I'm not sure I'll ever know if I regret it or not... If I gave up, or simply had to learn a tough lesson.

Fast forward one year. The summer after freshman year was full of craziness, conflicting schedules, and petty arguments. We were all on different paths, and it was becoming more and more evident. The end of summer wasn't quite so awful, mostly due to the fact that I felt like I had a lot less to miss. Yes, everything was changing again, but so was I. There was a lot to deal with moving into a dorm again, that the loss wasn't so apparent. Looking back, I think the only reason I decided to move on-campus is so that I had somewhere to go, too, instead of having everyone just leave me. Sophomore year was a whirlwind, though, in different ways. My friends and I repaired the relationships that were broken. I made a lot of life changes in the hopes that they would stick, but I ended up failing again. Failure has become a constant friend of mine, these past few years. After the Spring semester ended, I spent a month in Florida, working full-time and living on my own. Partly, to prove to myself that I was, in fact, capable of being on my own. But also to get away from life for awhile. To reevaluate. To regroup. And upon my return, it was like a glimpse of the past... a bit of the joy we shared as a cohesive group back in that summer before college. We weren't exactly tight, not like we used to be. It was disjointed and strange, but it was wonderful again. Which brings me here, back to square one. Facing the same end, but an end I always knew was coming. The difference is that everyone else is leaving for their other lives, and for the first time, I am staying put. Same place, same routine, same life. The same location, just without all of the people that made me grow to love it. Without the people who make living here worthwhile, and happy. This is even more painful than I can express.

In some ways, perhaps it is a necessary change to endure. Regardless, I will miss these times. In my life, even with its warm sunshine and beauty, August is synonymous with sadness and loss. It's when the sun sets and the stars come out to put my insignificance into perspective, that the ache settles in the pit of my stomach. The ache that's only remedy is to survive another year. To make it to another glorious summer, when, for three months we can exist together again, pretending that life is every bit as simple as it used to be.

stop sign

Ever had that feeling? You know the one I'm talking about. Everything in your life feels chaotic and upsetting and you barely know what to do with yourself, and then something comes from out of nowhere, practically smacking you upside the head, and you just stop.

Tonight I was driving home from a friend's house, feeling very sad about saying goodbyes, and I had a feeling (not THE feeling I was referring to, that comes later) that I was supposed to go to adoration. So I went, because maybe that was God telling me to- who am I to know? We can all benefit from some chill-out time with Jesus, after all. Then on the drive home from adoration, I had the windows down and there was a nice breeze blowing in. And a song came on the radio (a song, mind you, that I haven't ever heard on the radio, but a song I was just thinking about earlier today), that reminds me so powerfully of another time in my life. When things were so sure, and happy... it was a song from a retreat I went on a long time ago. Overhead in the sky, as I was driving and listening to this song, there was an outrageous bolt of heat lightning. And the song was singing:

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love.

And there it was. I just stopped. I listened to the music, watched the lightning show, felt the cool breeze, and just existed. Was I still sad about my friend leaving? Yes. Was I still worried and confused and frustrated with other things? Yes. But in that moment, despite all of the sadness and fear, I knew it was okay. I knew that no matter what happened, I would be alright. Because I am LOVED. Wholly, unconditionally, and forever. Thanks for the reminder.

friends who blog together, stay together

It's like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Okay, not really- we won't actually be sharing magical clothing, or discovering the ins and outs of international postage rates. But some friends and I decided to start blogging, while we're all off at school, as a way to keep in touch, since we can't be together in person. I like the idea mostly because, A) I love my friends, and B) I have a lot of thoughts, and it is perhaps a good idea to have an outlet in which to channel them. Writing my thoughts down helps me to focus, and clear my head. Once they're on paper (or... computer screens?) I am no longer wrestling with them in my head. Usually. So this is a brilliant idea on multiple levels. This blog comes with a warning though: I have some pretty deep thoughts. And I can get downright poetic... so as long as you're prepared, then we're good.

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Setting them, achieving them... not achieving them. Dying trying to achieve them. I have a lot of goals. Problem is, I have a much easier time setting them than fulfilling them. My favorite writer, Thoreau, once said, "Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be." I think he's pretty smart, so I'll take his word for it.

My goal for the year... is to fulfill my hopes & dreams.

Ready?

SET?

Go.