strange truths

I love quizzes. Not the school kind, the fun facebook-y, seventeen magazine quizzes. You know, the kind that "reveal all sorts of interesting facets of your personality." (Which, if we're being completely honest, you most likely already know.) I have encountered two quizzes that either, A. Told me something I didn't actually know about myself, or B. Called me out on some things I don't like admitting to myself are true. So, here are my results. I linked the quizzes, so you should all take them, and then put up your results too! It's fun!

A. I don't know if you've ever learned about Carl Jung & Myers-Briggs (I'm a psych major, so Jung pretty much goes with the territory), but he was this psychologist who developed a method of organizing and determining an individual's personality based on a bunch of questions- introvert, extrovert, intuitive, feeling, etc. You get the drift. It's SO cool- it brings to light aspects of your personality that you either don't notice or don't think about. When they break it down, I am an INFP (introvert intuitive feeling perceiving), and they really hit the nail right on the head with this one:

Idealist Portrait of the Healer (INFP)

Healers present a calm and serene face to the world, and can seem shy, even distant around others. But inside they're anything but serene, having a capacity for personal caring rarely found in the other types. Healers care deeply about the inner life of a few special persons, or about a favorite cause in the world at large. And their great passion is to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals, or that divide groups, and thus to bring wholeness, or health, to themselves, their loved ones, and their community.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. They conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. In fact, to understand Healers, we must understand that their deep commitment to the positive and the good is almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. Set off from the rest of humanity by their privacy and scarcity (around one percent of the population), Healers can feel even more isolated in the purity of their idealism.

Also, Healers might well feel a sense of separation because of their often misunderstood childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood-they are the prince or princess of fairy tales-an attitude which, sadly, is frowned upon, or even punished, by many parents. With parents who want them to get their head out of the clouds, Healers begin to believe they are bad to be so fanciful, so dreamy, and can come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. In truth, they are quite OK just as they are, only different from most others-swans reared in a family of ducks.

At work, Healers are adaptable, welcome new ideas and new information, are patient with complicated situations, but impatient with routine details. Healers are keenly aware of people and their feelings, and relate well with most others. Because of their deep-seated reserve, however, they can work quite happily alone. When making decisions, Healers follow their heart not their head, which means they can make errors of fact, but seldom of feeling. They have a natural interest in scholarly activities and demonstrate, like the other Idealists, a remarkable facility with language. They have a gift for interpreting stories, as well as for creating them, and thus often write in lyric, poetic fashion. Frequently they hear a call to go forth into the world and help others, a call they seem ready to answer, even if they must sacrifice their own comfort.

B. The infamous color quiz. This one's pretty accurate as well; it called me out on a few things:

Your Existing Situation

Inclined to choose luxurious things, which are gratifying to the senses. Turned off by things which are tacky and tasteless.

Your Stress Sources

Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as herself, but finds the need unfulfilled. Her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of herself. She would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on.

Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence.

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging.

quitting vs. failing

Ever dug a hole in the sand? At first it's slow going, but then you start to make some real progress, and what happens? The sand starts to cave in again. Or, for instance, let's say you're trapped in the hole. You try to climb your way out, but there's no ladder. No steps. It starts to get really difficult, trying to claw your way up out of the pit you've dug yourself into. The idea of just sinking back down and resigning yourself to life in that hole becomes more and more appealing. That is what addiction is like. You can imagine yourself outside the hole, how much better life would be, how you'd stop hurting everyone around you, how great it would be. But when it comes to actually getting yourself out of the hole? It's hard work. You're in a trap, and you can see the way out, but it's the act of getting there that is the issue... it's all way easier said than done.

Have you ever been trapped like this? I have. I am. It all starts with the desire for control in your life, however small that control might be. But it consumes you, and in the blink of an eye, everything is completely OUT of control. Be it sins, weaknesses, or substances, addiction is like some sort of self-inflicted torture. Addiction is ugly. And 9 times out of 10, you're not just fighting for your own peace of mind. You're fighting for your life. You try, and you try, but with each step forward, you take two steps back. And every time you give up the fight, even if for a moment, you sink a little bit deeper into the hole. You know how you got here. Now, how do you get out?

I guess I'll let you know when I figure that part out. Because I'm not letting this beat me. There is a difference between quitting and failing. And EVEN if I fail, it won't be because I didn't try. It won't be because I gave up. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, it is in the struggle where you find strength.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.

you are the music, while the music lasts

I'm not going to say I'm a big believer in horoscopes; I don't think that our lives can be so easily predicted. But on my computer, I have a little "astrology" application- I keep it, mostly because instead of predictions, it gives me little things to think about each day. Often, they do really seem applicable to my life. The one I received today, I felt that I should share with you:

Love the music you and your friends make! After all, the differences, not the similarities, keep you all so close. You may not always believe those who hold different views, but you should always believe in your friends! Embrace and respect the freedom of interaction among you. Harmony doesn't happen when all the notes are the same; it happens when different notes come together and create a beautiful sound.

This succinctly describes how I often feel about our crazy, mismatched group of friends. As strange as it always has seemed, as a whole, it just works... all of us together. We've got dreamers, we've got realists, we've got jocks, and band kids. Singers, and those that can't carry a tune. Writers, artists, nurses, comedians, geniuses. Everyone so uniquely different. The thing with harmonies though, is that to work, each part is played on the same scale. I like to think that the scale, the collective whole, is God's plan- how we met, how our friendships developed, and how they withstand the many changes life throws at us. Like a song, each part bends and adjusts to each new measure. And, amidst all of the changes, in the end... it's beautiful.

learning to fly

I've made mistakes

but I won't be ashamed

it feels like fate is liftin' me

I can't seem to keep my feet on the ground.

I no longer hide

so I let the sun wash over me

'cause there's no darkness left

to hold me down.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

when you lose your way

when your heart breaks

when you can't escape

you feel just like a prisoner

of all the world says you will never be.

that's when you can't give up,

gotta hold on tighter now than ever

the answers will find you when you believe.

and I feel it's light,

now I found the spark

that was missin' in my life.

and I tried, yeah I tried, to get somewhere I'd rather be

but sometimes the fastest way is not so easy.

I earned these wings,

I was not born with them

& it's no accident

how I walked through

the rain and the fire.

'cause it taught me how to love.

it taught me how to fight.

& finally, I'm learning to fly.

to austin

I remember it so clearly, it seems like it was yesterday. I know that's what people always say, but it's the truth. I remember driving up to school that morning, seeing the news van and cameras. I remember being filed into the auditorium for a class assembly, right as I walked in the doors. I remember the worry on our faces, the teachers' curious stares. I remember Fr. Matt taking the microphone, and trying to put what had happened to you into a sentence that made any kind of sense. I remember that feeling, when he said your name. I remember hearing the gasps. It was like someone had sucked the air out of the room. My stomach dropped, my eyes filled with tears. I kept thinking it was some sick joke, like you were going to come out and laugh and tell us how lame we all were for being that gullible... it sounds stupid, thinking back on it, but that's honestly what was going through my mind. I would've believed anything other than the cold, painful truth they were telling us- that you were gone. It was so hazy that day, but now it is so clearly embedded in my memory. The prayer services... the hugging. Everyone hugging and crying. People who weren't even remotely close to being friends, consoling each other. The "toughest" guys in school became sobbing messes. I was a sobbing mess too. I've never experienced loss on such a large scale- you affected everyone while you were here, and it was evident that we would not quickly recover. I remember the viewing, and having to look your mom and dad in the eyes, trying to mumble something- knowing full well that there wasn't a phrase in the English language that could even begin to ease their pain. I remember the funeral, the music... OUR music. Mr. A's eulogy... how you had that prayer card with you in the car that night. To this day, I can't look at it and not think of you.

We weren't best friends. I'm not going to pretend that we were- but we were friends. We spent those afternoons after school freshmen year, in the lobby, when Billy would steal us drinks. I remember just sitting around and talking with you. You were so sure of yourself, but in the best way. And that smile... I don't think you ever stopped smiling. I remember you that afternoon, before we left for Trinity. I was excited for you. I remember your face that night, during adoration. Singing- you loved the music. Every time I sing for adoration, I think of you. You were so sure in your faith, and you constantly emanated peace and love. You were such an example- heck, I was a leader that weekend, and I found myself learning more from your example than I think I ever could've taught. You affected us all, in life, and in death. My heart still aches every time I think of you, and that smile, and your parents and your little sister. My heart aches every time I hear that song. The constant reminders of you are painful, but they bring to mind such beautiful memories about you, and your life, and the tangible impact you had on every single person in our class. Every single person on Trinity. What I saw that weekend, with you and everyone else, leaves me with little doubt of the loving presence of God. I know that He was with you the night of your accident, and I know that now you're with Him.

It's been exactly three years. I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to write this, other than getting it all out into words is something I had yet to do. Austin, you are loved, and you are missed dearly. Please watch over us.

fairy tales

I've been reflecting a lot on life ever since we began this blogging habit, and I've come to some interesting conclusions about myself. One that I've been mulling over lately has to do with my relationships. I don't know how to love people "a little bit". I love wholly, and completely. I get attached to people. I haven't figured out if this is a virtue or a fault. It certainly puts my heart on the chopping block, vulnerable and asking to be broken. But on the other hand, when the love is real, whether it be family or friends or a significant other... it's the greatest feeling in the world. But the truth is, even the ones we love disappoint us. Often, they're the ones with the ability to disappoint us the most.

But I just finished watching the movie Enchanted- yes, I get that it's rated like, G, and most 20-year-olds would say that's exceptionally lame- but the message is so poignant in my life, especially lately. It's about looking for the good. Even when you seem naive. Even when things suck. There is good everywhere- and life is unbearable when you constantly dwell on the bad; I know this, firsthand. Sure, fairy tales don't really exist. But no one ever said that happily ever after doesn't. Whether it's in this life on earth, or the next life- seek truth. Seek love. Seek beauty. Be child-like. And you will definitely find your happy ending. Someone pretty RELIABLE told me so :)

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 19: 14

new skill

bal⋅ance [bal-uhns]

–noun

1.	a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.

Balance. For some, it's everything- it's the only thing. For me, not so much. My whole life I've been extreme. All schoolwork, or no schoolwork. Constantly working out, or not at all. Never did I venture into that middle ground... I wish I knew why. Because apparently, that's where all the happiness was hidden, and I was just too stubborn to find it.

My past few days I've been experimenting with how to balance aspects of my life. And I gotta say, it's a pretty phenomenal skill. So simple, yet so effective. Maybe you have all been practicing balance your entire lives, honestly, that wouldn't surprise me. I'm not the most normal human being, and I like it that way. But, as it turns out, I also really like a little schoolwork, a little downtime, a few chores, and getting a healthy amount of sleep. Does wonders for a girl!