goodbye 2010

Well, 2010 has come and gone. It feels like just yesterday I was ringing in the New Year with my best friend and some spiked egg nog, but here we are again.

My "celebrating" is going to be simple, in the hopes that perhaps that same simplicity will spill over into all the other areas of my life this year. That is my resolution. To simplify.

Theres all sorts of ins and outs and plans and ideas, but I won't bore you with those. Just know that I hope each and every one of you has a blessed and joyous New Year, and that God will continue to shower you with his love and friendship.

Cheers! (and happy new year :)

something good coming

As usual for the beginning of December, I am staring down a pile of work about as tall as I am. And, as usual, thanks to one certain retreat, I have never felt less like doing it. I'll get it done. I always do, somehow. But I just felt like blogging. And reminding myself that in ONE WEEK, I will be free from all these problems. December 15th will be a wonderful day.

The song of the day is "Something Good Coming" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. It's stuck in my head in the greatest way, and the lyrics are totally hitting home for me right now. Enjoy!

the cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again.

Mumford & Sons

obligatory giving of thanks

No, but seriously. I know I've been MIA for a few months now, but I have had so many blessings to be thankful for... and it just so happens that there's conveniently a day to acknowledge them all!

I'm just going to do a blanket "Thank you God!" for all those simple moments of peace that come my way when I need them the most. In the midst of all the confusion and chaos of life, the random stillness of a deep breath, and that feeling that no matter what happens, I am unconditionally loved... it means everything.

If one could only learn to appreciate the little things...
A song that takes you away, for there are those who cannot hear.
The beauty of a sunset, for there are those who cannot see.
The warmth and safety of your home, for there are those who are homeless.
Time spent with good friends, for there are those who are lonely.
A walk along the beach, for there are those who cannot walk.
The little things are what life is all about.
Search your soul and learn to appreciate.

Shadi Souferian

Of course, I could go on all day about family and friends, my cat, food, clothing, shelter, music, school, smiles, etc... but that's all a given. I am the most thankful for the one from whom all the "little things" come. The Creator of heaven and earth, who for some reason placed me right here, right now. And life is a lot to be thankful for!

when i heard the learned astronomer

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide,
and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with
much applause in the lecture-room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

Walt Whitman

random music sampler

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.

2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't
make sense.

How do you feel today?
Friend of mine- Treble Charger

What's your outlook on life?
Permanent Scar- O+S

What does your family think of you?
Amie- Pure Prairie League

What do your friends think of you?
Makes You Crazy- Brett Dennen

What do strangers think of you?
FM Radio- Joshua James

What do your exes think of you?
Gone Forever- Three Days Grace

What do you think of your relationship with your gf/bf?
Whatever It Is- Zac Brown Band

How will your life turn out?
Back Where I Come From- Kenny Chesney

Will you get married?
Tell Me Why- Taylor Swift (...not sure if that's a yes or no)

Are you good at school?
Caught Up- Usher feat. Fabolous (haha I am a little caught up in it)

Will you be successful?
The Sun Doesn't Like You- Norah Jones

What song should they play on your birthday?
Be Gentle With Me- The Boy Least Likely To

What song should they play at your graduation?
Undeniable- Mat Kearney

The Soundtrack of your life?
From Where You Are- Lifehouse

You and your best friends are?
I Remember- Damien Rice

Happy times:
Still On Your Side- BBMak (yeah... 5th grade was a happy time!)

Sad times:
Bulletproof Weeks- Matt Nathanson

Every day:
Love- Matt White

For tommorrow:
Dog Problems- The Format

For you:
Overwhelm- Starfield

What does next year have in store for 5 years?
Meteor City- Joe Purdy (last line- 'didn't worry about the things that we just didn't know.' perfect.)

What do I say when life gets too hard?
My Hanging Surrender- The Wheel

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Dance Me To The End of Love- The Civil Wars

What do you want as your career?
Where Do You Go- National Product (figures it'd be vague)

Your favorite saying?
Heartbreaker- Led Zeppelin

How will I die?
Under my skin- Peter Bradley Adams (killed by love?? probably.)

hiatus

Just a little update to let ya'll know I'm going to take a break from blogging. At least for awhile. This semester is going to be a busy one, but I'm also undergoing a bit of a personal challenge that will most likely shift my mindset a great deal. It's pretty personal, but I'll definitely update you once I'm on the other side.

But, just so you know, I'm pretty happy with life right now :)

Peace & Love!

and so it begins (again)

I figured I should start the year out with a "summer-was-so-great-now-back-to-the-grind" blog. However, I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. Or excited. Or nervous. I'm not feeling much of anything towards this year.

So I'm going to refrain from dumping negativity all over the beginning of my semester, and just state facts: I am a senior in college. I start classes tomorrow.

Sometimes detachment is the only way I can deal with things.

current state of mind

I wish I could run away. Go somewhere far from home, all by myself, and DO something. Not school. Just hit pause on school and come back to graduate once I know what to do. I don't know what to do. And my classmates say they get it, but no one Gets It. No one wants to graduate, but they all know what comes afterwards. I don't.

I don't know if what I need is a plan, or a reality check. It sounds like a stupid time to have a panic attack, my senior year of college, but that's what this feels like. I don't know what to do without someone telling me.

I don't know how to be ready for this.

firefly

This summer, I caught a firefly for the first time in my life. When I was little, I was scared of bugs... I always liked to look at them, not so much touch them. But this summer, on a warm evening in July, sitting in the grass surrounded by friends, a firefly landed in my hand. I'm not so sure if my excitement was about the firefly itself, or about the love I was surrounded with. Either way, the two became inextricably intertwined.

Since that night, I've wanted to badly to catch another firefly. But lately, there haven't been very many. "You can only catch fireflies if there's a lot of them." A friend told me that once.

For some reason, when there were thousands of fireflies swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to catch one. But now, when I am most in need of one, the few that are left circle the night sky aimlessly. It's almost impossible to catch one, when you don't know where to look.

I wonder if that's how answers work, too. For some reason, when there were thousands of answers to my questions swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to get one. But now, when I am most in need of answers, the few that are left circle around aimlessly, just out of my reach.

It's almost impossible to find an answer, when you don't know where to look. And it's almost impossible to know what questions you should be asking in the first place.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own.
'Cause I feel so defeated,
And I'm feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless,
And I have no plans.
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land.

And all I see
It could never make me happy.
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing...

Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
And let that be enough.

Switchfoot & Jars of Clay

in my veins

Do you know what it's like to exist in a constant state of heartbreak? It's not the kind of heartbreak you get past, there is no resolution in sight, because it is a constant ache. An ache without a beginning or end... an ache that just is. The fate of my heart is completely out of my hands, because my heart is in someone else's.

Nothin' goes as planned.
Everything will break.
People say goodbye.
In their own special way.
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.

Everything will change.
Nothin' stays the same.
And nobody here's perfect.
Oh but everyones to blame.
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day

Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sun light.
Shinin', Shinin' down on your face.

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.
No, I cannot get you out.

Andrew Belle

it's funny how things work out

After Delaware, I felt like a failure. A failure at college, a failure at independence... a failure of self. I questioned my abilities. And although everything has been relatively good since then, that deeply-rooted failure is not so easy to shake off.

When I was in the process of transferring, my new school wouldn't accept 3 of the credits I'd earned from Delaware. At the time, it went unnoticed, and by the time I figured it out it was too late to correct. And those credits were 3 that I needed for my minor. It was a beginning drawing class, and I'd gotten a C-. IU only accepts C or better (I should mention that it physically pains me to say the letter C. I don't get C's. I get A's. Yet another reason Delaware gave me the beating of my life).

So as it turned out, I needed to retake that class. I wound up registering for the course at another local school- it was a compressed course, 3 credits in 5 days, all drawing, all the time. I dreaded that class. The thought of drawing again just brought me back to the studio at Delaware, and all the feelings of inadequacy that went along with it.

Though I knew no one in the class, I went. At first, I was very apprehensive. It was a class of mostly nursing majors, and everyone seemed to know each other. It was just me and my charcoal. But something funny happened then- the moment I pressed the charcoal to paper, my hand took over. It didn't even require thought, it was as though my body was programmed to draw that still life. It was like it used to be. My hand did the figuring out, and it left my mind to wander- when I get that absorbed, time doesn't exist. It is a feeling that I haven't experienced in years. In fact, after Delaware, I'd thought it was gone for good.

That class I had hated, that class I had dreaded, that class I had feared ended up being exactly what I needed. It gave me some of my pride back. The little boost of faith in myself that I had been so sorely lacking.

It's funny how things work out.

1-year anniversary

It's official- today marks the 1-year anniversary of my blog. Looking back on the past 67 entries has brought many smiles to my face. Also some sad memories. But perhaps, what stuck with me most, were some words from my very first entry:

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Setting them, achieving them... not achieving them. Dying trying to achieve them. I have a lot of goals. Problem is, I have a much easier time setting them than fulfilling them. My favorite writer, Thoreau, once said, "Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be." I think he's pretty smart, so I'll take his word for it.

My goal for the year... is to fulfill my hopes & dreams.

Funny, but those goals are still true. Then I realized that they will ALWAYS be true. Life is a constant struggle to become the best possible version of ourselves. And the day we stop trying to fulfill our hopes and dreams is the day we'd be better off not alive at all.

So dream on.

tug of war

My life is an ever-constant push and pull routine between what to do and what not to do.

Yes or no.

Right or wrong.

I don't know how to get the answers I'm looking for.

Why does August always do this to me? Every year...

lie in the sound

Why does every song contain some trace of you?

It's impossible to breathe when you are

everywhere.

self-discovery

I can cry at the drop of a hat. Movies, television shows... I've even teared up during commercials.

I secretly love dresses, though you may never see me wear one.

I love orange juice.

My eye color matches my hair. Brown or blonde, they always match.

I use sarcasm and humor as a defense mechanism, because I am ridiculously sensitive.

I don't ever intend to be late... I just usually am.

My room directly mirrors my mental state- when it is messy and disorganized, it's only because my mind is the same way.

Ever since I lived in Florida on my own, I talk to myself.

In the face of severe evidence to the contrary, I still believe in happy endings.

In spite of not ever working to my potential, I am still successful. Sometimes I wonder what great things I could achieve if I did work to my potential.

Then I wonder why I never do it.

There is an ever-present part of my brain that reminds me that I am not good enough, and that I never will be.

My faith comforts me, but I am constantly doubting God.

I am terrified of getting lost, not knowing where to turn, not knowing the destination. That is a true metaphor for how I feel about my life, and what I am supposed to do with it.

Random? Yes. Pointless? Probably. As far as self-discovery goes?

"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing."

Socrates

today was a perfect day

The magnificence of a sunrise over the dewey green grass.

The exuberant feeling of plunging deep into water, gliding along the smooth bottom.

The warmth from the sun traveling from your fingertips to your toes, while your legs dangle in the cool, clear water.

The evening breeze drying your sun-lightened hair.

The comfort of a meal, surrounded by close friends.

The rush of wind through the open windows of a car, as the music takes you away.

The wonder of a sunset over a sparkling lake.

The glory of a full, yellow moon rising, so close to earth you can see the craters.

The joy of flying through the air on a swing, almost as though you'll never come back down.

Laughing with good friends, who know you, and love you anyway.

The solitude of the full moon, brilliantly illuminating your entire world.

Not a care in the world.

Happiness.

This is what life is about.

sometimes

Sometimes it's alright to just be alone
Sometimes it's alright to just stay at home
Sometimes it's okay if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight.

Maybe we'll fall before we take flight,
Maybe you're all I've got to lose.
They say it's gray, but we see it white
And if I'm lost, thank God I'm lost with you.

Sometimes there's only so much we can take
By the time you arrived, we all needed a break
Sometimes it's okay if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight.

It's okay to fight back, it's alright if you lose.
It's okay to give up, we'll still love you if you do.

Seabird

dear someone

I need someone, sometimes. When things get complicated, or messed up, or scary, I need someone to lean on. I need someone who understands me. Someone to just hold me, and remind me that everything will be okay. I need someone who will make me laugh when I get too serious. Someone to complement me. Someone to plan with. Someone to dream with.

I am scared I will never find that person.

I am more scared that I already have.

wordless

I'm not good at handling death.

When faced with a tragedy, certain people know exactly what to do and say. Exactly when to cry, or hug, or laugh. I cannot figure out ways to express my thoughts. When faced with a death, I prefer to retreat into myself, self-medicate, write songs, do anything and everything to take my mind off of the pain.

A good friend's father just passed away. I have yet to see her. I sound so stupid, but I'm afraid to see her. I'm afraid to remind her of the hurt.

I guess because when I'm faced with these tragedies, I feel so uncomfortable when people try to make it seem okay. "I'm so sorry for your loss." WHY do people say that? It doesn't make me feel any better. It wasn't your fault. Something about that line feels so fake to me. But my heart aches for her and her family. None of this seems fair.

keep looking up

I am searching for something.

I wish it was simple enough to sum up into a single noun. It's something I didn't even realize I had lost somewhere along the way, until it was too late. And now I'm desperately searching. It's been so long that I'm questioning whether or not I really had it in the first place.

It's summer. It's a gorgeous, starry night. The windows are open, and the cool breeze dances across my face as I lie in bed. I've just come back from the most incredible weekend. It was full of joy, and laughter, and new friends. As I lay there, clutching the familiar circle of beads, listening to a song that takes me back to that night- that pinnacle of everything, complete LOVE... at fourteen years old, I wonder if life could possibly be any more wonderfully complete.

Three weeks later, Kel died. All thoughts of peace and happiness flew out the window when the phone rang that afternoon. And seven years later, I am still standing at the bottom somewhere.

So I guess what it is that I'm searching for is a way back. Not a way into the past, but a way to bring those feelings into my future. Because sometimes I question if I even have a future, unless I can find that peace and completeness. With myself, with my life, with my faith. I feel as though that night seven years ago, listening to that song, I still possessed some sort of blissful innocence about the world. In a way, once I had to face that loss, and all of the painful losses since... I also lost that innocence. And I've seen enough of life to know that innocence lost does not return. But I also know that I can find that peace and joy and love again, and I will, if it is the last thing I do. I will find what I am searching for.

Maybe this makes no sense to you. I guess it's more of an internal dialogue that a substantial blog, but this is all that is on my mind right now. To write anything else doesn't feel true. Forgive me.

"stuff"

Sometimes I have more going on emotionally than socially. I can't pin the source of the emotions to any one specific event or occurrence, but the tangled bundle of "stuff" is sitting right there, under my skin. If you're like me, it's easier to push people away than to let them in and try to explain this "stuff". Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to describe. And as someone who rather enjoys writing, there is nothing more frustrating than being at a loss for words.

If you're concerned, please know that it's not as though I push people away forever. When all of this "stuff" is going on, I need to struggle with it on my own for awhile before things can go back to the way they were.

And so I push people away sometimes. I'm sorry about that.

words of wisdom

Live each season as it passes;

breathe the air, drink the drink,

taste the fruit,

and resign yourself to the influences of each.

Henry David Thoreau

it's a beautiful morning

Good day, sunlight

I'd like to say how truly bright you are.

You don't know me, but I know you

See, you're my favorite star.

Today, I woke up to bright (and HOT) sunlight falling all over my bed. At first, I was a little miffed. It was, after all, 7 am. But alas, I was up for the day. Once the buzz of my family members fizzled out, as the last car pulled out of the driveway, I decided to make the most of this morning quiet time. I went downstairs and toasted some bread. Poured myself an ice cold glass of homemade iced tea, squeezed a juicy, bright yellow lemon wedge. Spread some butter and raspberry jam over my toast. I then picked up my breakfast and headed out to the backyard. I settled myself at the table by the crystal blue pool and, feeling the loving warmth of the sun against my skin, ate my breakfast, sipped my tea, and read a book. The birds all around were singing, the water in the pool made that refreshing tinkling noise, and there was a gentle breeze blowing through the leaves of the tall, lusciously green trees that scatter around the yard. The temperature was perfect- the sun made it warm, and the breeze made it cool; a perfect balance. That's what life is, I think. A balance.

After awhile, I set my book down and closed my eyes. Not to fall asleep, but to drink it all in. The smell of the warm earth, mingled with the scent of flowers drifting over from somewhere along the side of the house. The sound of the leaves rustling. The feeling of pure contentment, of pure joy. I find that I am the most joyful when I am content. Not loud and exuberant and surrounded, although I do find happiness in those moments with friends. But for me, true joy comes from the solitude and contented wonder of the natural world. The sunrise, the vast ocean, and somedays, even my backyard.

I love the summer. I love the morning. I feel grateful to be alive on this gorgeous day in June.

let it go

Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately. I have been doing major overhaul on my life. Mostly in the form of gutting my room, from top to bottom. I've been getting rid of so much clutter over the past 6 days- my room is starting to look more and more like a minimalist's. Interesting though, because if you know me at all, you know I have some pack-rat-ish tendencies. It's not easy to let things go for me. They aren't just things, they have memories attached to them. But the more I get rid of, the lighter, freer, and better I feel.

Something about clearing out old baggage and clutter has always felt completely symbolic to me. When your space is clear, EVERYTHING in life seems clearer. Whereas, when you're living in a room full of scattered clothes and old textbooks and dirty dishes, your mind can feel fuzzy. So I'm embracing the clarity that comes with this much simpler existence.

So here's to letting go! To habits, negativity, or just some old stuff shoved in the back corner of your closet- no matter how great or small, letting go makes life a little sweeter.

You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Tenth Avenue North

your hand in mine

This song makes my heart ache in the greatest possible way. It may seem strange, as it has no words, but I think it expresses more emotion than any lyrics I've ever read. Joy, pain, regret, longing, acceptance, triumph, defeat... it's all there. It describes how I'm feeling at any given moment. And in this moment, when I want to write and I'm not sure what to say, I think that this song speaks for me. "Where words fail, music speaks."

"Your Hand in Mine" - Explosions in the Sky

brand new day

I just realized how AMAZING life is (again- I feel like I am always having these "revelations"). We get a second chance every day. Every day. No matter how bad you screwed up yesterday, or how many times you failed, every day is literally a brand new start. A clean slate. So you count your losses, you pick up and you keep moving forward.

I woke up with that feeling of complacency- that feeling that "today will be like yesterday". Then I saw this quote:

"Another day, another chance to get it right."

- John Linton

BAM. There it is- another glimmer of divine truth that broke through all the white noise of life to smack me upside the head. We should all believe in second chances, because we literally get one every single day. Don't waste this one.

flip-flop summer

Since I am now officially free from the throes of junior year, I've made some goals for my summer:

READ MORE! I plan on reading lots of books this summer (classics, especially), so any suggestions would be wonderful.

GET CREATIVE (again)! I miss the days of drawing and painting and taking pictures. When I went to art school, all of that passion sort of fizzled out. I miss it, and I know that I am in a place where I can appreciate all of the above, so I plan on doing something creative on a weekly (if not daily) basis. I need a little more passion in my life! And what better time to rediscover it than summertime?!

MAKE MUSIC! I've always loved to sing, and am completely in love with playing guitar, so I'm expecting to be making a lot of music this season.

The start of summer always holds so much promise, but it's too easy to take for granted. I don't plan on wasting a single minute these next 4 months- I only have a little time left to be a "kid", so I've got to live it up! And, as always, it wouldn't be carefree fun without all my best friends at my side. Get ready, kids!

Let's sail away, where no problems can find us
We've got 90 days
To watch that ole' Tequila sun rise
And leave all our troubles behind us.

It's gonna be another flip-flop summer
Kick off your shoes, and call up your lover
Say 'Hey baby, the winter is over
Let's head south awhile.'
We're going to take us a long vacation,
Mix us up some strong libations.
No worries, just good vibrations
And lazy days in style
It's a flip-flop summer.

Kenny Chesney

twenty-one

It's official- I'm a legal adult. I thought I would have a lot to say about finally being 21, but between finals and my lack of sleep, I'm feeling less-than-verbose.

It feels good though. I got a new guitar for my birthday, and it's magnetic- it's severely impeding my efforts to study, but for some reason, I can't allow myself to care. It's love.

One thing I do know? I take my last final tomorrow afternoon. And tomorrow night, I will be celebrating :)

Cheers!

car crash

So I've got to work on my bio project, finish my research design to hand in by tomorrow at one... Oh, shoot, I forgot to email the registrar about my transfer credits...

I mentally ran through the list of last-minute work I needed to accomplish in the next 48 hours. I was really down to the wire, and so sick of stress. I wished I didn't have to worry about any of these things, because I was so miserable. I was rushing down the bypass to get home so I could get started on my to-do list of about 70 things when I saw the brake lights.

Great. A traffic jam. This is awesome- I've got to get home! It's like the whole world is conspiring against me.

That's when I saw the ambulance lights.

Oh no.

Reality hit, in the form of a 18-wheeler. As traffic slowed, I got a close up look at the damage. The car that had been on the receiving end of the truck looked about a decade older than I am. The truck hit the drivers side, and it did not look like a hopeful situation, judging by the 5 ambulances, 7 police cars, and 14 men crowded around the passenger door with a gurney, trying to rescue the victim.

I know nothing about this person. Whether they lived or died, whether they were young or old, if it was a man or a woman... I know nothing of them. But what I do know, is that no matter how colossal your problems may seem, none of it really matters in the Grand Scheme- because you're alive. Problems or no problems, you are breathing. It's almost laughable how stupid all my "problems" seem in light of that accident scene. It's affected me more than I thought it would.

We don't know when our time will be up. So we must live every moment as if it's our last. I get that it sounds cheesy sometimes, but it's the honest-to-goodness truth. Take a lesson from the accident this afternoon. I did.

"You can't do anything about the length of your life,

but you can do something about its width and depth."

Henry Louis Mencken

isolation

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to come up with something meaningful to blog about. I guess it's just April, and watching the semester wind down, and all of those due dates come rushing towards me... its hard to find inspiration.

Lately, I've been making some decisions I'm not exactly proud of- canceling plans, isolating myself... For some reason, right now, I really feel the need to be alone. I just keep telling myself that its the stress of finals and projects.

I hope I'm right.

unintentional advice

It's never too late to get back on track.

Never has anyone gone so far on the wrong path that they cannot return to the right one. Never has anyone become so wayward that they cannot benefit from the true light.

takin' care of business

Three weeks of class until finals- that should sound incredible, but it's actually terrifying. Thinking about the amount of work I have left, compared to the little time I have to do it all. So I've decided that I need to get in the right mindset.

A lot of the time, when I'm really stressed about something, I let everything else kind of fall apart. Like my room, for instance. Tomorrow, I am starting my day bright and early and ORGANIZING my life. Closet, desk, school papers, books, everything. Even laundry- I've managed not to do it for like, a month (instead, I've gotten into the habit of just buying new clothes. Bad!) Because as tedious as it may seem, once everything in my life is in order, it makes it so much more satisfying to take care of whatever it is that is stressing me out. Like papers, and original research designs, and presentations. Tomorrow, I am letting my OCD-side out with a vengeance.

That way, when I say I have 3 weeks left, I can smile :)

it's gonna be a bright sunshine-y day

It's sunny. And hot out today. I have nothing consequential to say other than I am loving the gorgeous weather. Spring has definitely arrived.

I'll blog soon. Promise.

for always, forever

It's Sunday night. No matter how good my weekend was, Sunday night always brings that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think that's just when good things come to an end, in general. Thankfully, weekends happen every 5 days! And this week is Easter break, which will be nice. All of a sudden this semester is racing toward the finish line, and I'd be lying if I said I wanted it to slow down. The sooner summer gets here, the better. No matter how old I get, I think I'll always get that little-kid excitement about the end of the "school year"- I'll always be a summer girl. SPEAKING of summer and good things, I just ran across a really fun song, and I couldn't help but think of you guys, and the whole gang. So I'm posting the parts that made me smile!

We were young and we lived it up
But those nights never lasted long enough
Looking back, we're so naive
What happened to the days
When we shared our dreams?

...
The sunrise would beat us to sleep
We didn't wanna go home
So we slept on the beach
Oh, the summer never felt so sweet
I still feel the sand underneath my feet

The memories of the nights that faded
I don't know how the hell we made it
Looking back, we had everything
Those were the days when we shared our dreams

If I could go back now
I wouldn't change a thing
Oh, it feels so good
To say...

Guess we made it this far
Guess we're doing all right
Looks like we made it out alive
Yeah, we made our mistakes
But we followed our hearts
Even though we drift apart
For always, forever
Weathered yellow still frames in my head
For always, forever

Every Avenue

i've missed poetry

"...What all of us wanted and what none of us got / What we all had and have and what we all forgot / That we all wanted to be something / That we all became something / And it might not be the shit we once thought we'd be when we were kids but something is still something and like some cats say, something is better than nothing / Feet are smarter than an engine / And dreams are stronger than thighs / And questions are the only answers we need to know that we are alive as I am when I have the mind of a child, asking 'why is 2 + 3 always equal to 5 ? / Where do people go to when they die? / What made the beauty of the moon? / And the beauty of the sea? / Did that beauty make you? / Did that beauty make me? / Will that make me something? / Will I be something? / Am I something?'
And the answer comes: already am, always was, and I still have time to be."

Anis Mojgani

time traveling

I just spent the day with one of my oldest friends. Although we don't keep in touch very often during the semester, when she comes home, it's like I've forgotten how much I need her. And all of those friends. The friends that have known me in every stage of my life- childhood, teenage years, all of it. The friends who've stood the test of time.

When I am with them, its like I get pieces of myself back. I don't know if that makes any sense, but in a time of overwhelming uncertainty and complication, they bring me perspective. Whether its going back to reminisce about old memories, or to talk about all of the crap we're dealing with now, or just laugh- it's like getting to spend some time with the Beth I was when life was simpler. With the friends who have always been there for me, and who I know will always be there for me. I am truly grateful to be blessed with so many loving, wonderful friends.

Today, this was exactly what I needed. What we both needed.

That's all :)

a reminder

Life is good. Even when problems suck. Even when you are overwhelmed. Even when you are stressed. Even when you have no idea what to do. Even you lose someone you love. Even when you make mistakes. Even when your heart is breaking. Even when you fail. Even when you are lost. Even when you feel like giving up.

It's not all about rainbows and butterflies, because if it were, we'd never know the joy from the sadness. It's the bad that makes us appreciate the good.

Therefore, life is good.

Don't forget it.

keep on keepin' on

I'm done with midterms! But that just means I'm in the middle of the semester. The middle of Lent. And I got to thinking how sometimes when we're in the middle of anything (be it a relationship, a class, a challenge, anything) and that light at the end of the tunnel still seems a long way off... most of the time it's a lot easier to just give up. The quit-while-you're-ahead attitude. I've been guilty of that mindset myself. But I don't buy it anymore. I've come to believe that the things that are the most difficult, the most painful, or the most frightening- well, they're usually the most worthwhile. In the wise words of my Uncle Frank, "When the going gets easy, you're probably going downhill." Challenge is a part of life. It's what causes us to either better ourselves, or settle for a "less-than" life. I don't think it's worth wasting a minute of your time being complacent. So my message to you, in this middle that we're in, is to keep on. Persevere. I'm willing to bet that you'll be glad you did.

Everybody knows
or has a story about the first one
Who taught 'em how to hurt
Led their hopes astray

When it's gone on quite enough
And you're sick of staying down
I know what you need
You gotta live it like it sounds

When you lose what you love, live on live on
When the road gets too rough, be strong be strong
When you can't understand, but you're starting to see, it'll work in the end
You just got to believe, keep on keep on

I had my ideas, my plans so cut and dry
I wouldn't settle for a thing, yeah
You can forget all compromise

But I was tackled like a wave
And stomped on like the ground
One's who'd never change
Were slowly turning round...

Yeah you can take it from me,
there's so much you can be,
and it's all gonna change whether it's you or them or me.

When you lose what you love, live on live on
When the road gets too rough, just be strong be strong
And when you can't understand, but you're starting to see, it'll work in the end
You just got to believe, keep on keep on

Keep on.

Tyler Hilton

time out

It's been awhile... mostly because I haven't had any life-altering realizations lately. But life is good! I'm on break, and I've had some time to sleep, and recharge, and play the guitar! Which, by the way, is quickly becoming one of my passions. It's so relaxing, whether I'm strumming familiar melodies or imagining some of my own.

I really think that break is a vital part of life- sometimes, especially this semester, things get overwhelming! We all know I'm not the best at dealing with stress... I'll be the first to admit it. But the value of taking some time to step back and refocus is immeasurable! I've been going to daily mass, and reading some good books, and I feel rejuvenated, as lame as that sounds! I think I'll be able to get through the last half of this semester now.

Scratch that, I know I'll be able to get through the last half of this semester.

Never, never, never, never give up.

Winston Churchill said that. I think it is one of the best pieces of advice anyone can give. The attitude I see a lot in myself, and in others, is this minimalistic thought approach of looking at things. "What is the least I can do to get by? To pass this class? To win?" And when things get too hard, we bail. How sad! We need to be asking ourselves, "What is the most I can do?"

I don't know if you've been watching the Olympics at all, but they have been making me think. The Olympics are about making your dreams come true. There are hundreds of people, from countries all over the world who had a dream, set a goal, and fulfilled it. The process is simple, the work is hard. But they do whatever it takes, because it is their dream. Their goal. They don't give up. Now, chances are none of us are going to become Olympic gold-medalists. But if we learn their lesson about hard work and perseverance, we will get a taste of that glory. If we truly set a goal, we can absolutely achieve it. We have unlimited potential when we set our minds to something. You can't fail if you never, never, never, never give up.

So, let me ask you. What is your dream?

white flag

Did you ever have one of those moments where you feel so full of feelings that you could burst? One of those fleeting moments of clarity. One of those moments where you feel sad and happy and hurt and defeated and hopeful all at once. The feelings just keep building, and you just feel alive. The pain and the fears and the defeats, that's when we know we're alive. That's how we're all connected.

I've been going through a lot of emotions this week. I'm looking at this Lent as a time for transfiguration, and it's definitely happening. Things that I never thought I'd be able to give up on are getting further and further away. My mind feels a little more free, a little bit lighter. I am waving my white flag. I surrender. To everything that has ever brought me down. I am cutting ties with the things that have anchored me to this place in my life, and moving far away from them. I am finally accepting the losses, and failures, and victories for what they were, and leaving them behind. And it's funny- instead of feeling depressed, I just feel alive.

valentine's day

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right and
we'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility.

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
I just haven't met you yet.

Michael Bublé

blizzard of '10

We are in the middle of a total blizzard right now! Between the snow from last Saturday & the snow we've been getting all day, we're well over 40". I didn't have classes today, and school is closed tomorrow as well. I feel like a little kid again, getting so excited about snow days! Granted, my interests have changed quite a bit... where I used to get excited about sledding all day and making snowmen, I now get excited about staying in my pajamas and reading and drinking hot tea- just relaxing. It's funny to think about how different my life is now.

Unfortunately, college-Beth should be spending her snow days doing work and writing papers and studying... I've flipped the denial switch again. Actually, it's more like avoidance. I know I have a mountain of work to do, I'm just not going near it and hoping it will disappear. Logic tells me it will not. But hey, a girl can dream, right?

I don't know where this inherent need to procrastinate comes from. I wish it was something I could easily overcome (it seems like it should be), but it's not... such is life. I'm going to go have some hot chocolate and read a book! Maybe I'll do a little studying.... haha! Who am I kidding?

If you're looking for something random and fun to do with freshly fallen snow:

Snow Ice Cream

8 cups CLEAN snow

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 t. vanilla extract

Stir, scoop, & enjoy!

it's my life

I've decided that I often bite off more than I can chew. In relationships, emotionally, with classes and work. I'd like to think of myself as really ambitious, and I know that I can be, but most of the time I just feel totally overwhelmed. I've talked about this before- I have a thing for extremes. It's ALL work, or no work. There's not much of a middle ground. It fluctuates from day to day, but from one polar opposite to the other.

It's not healthy. And this week, I think being sad, run down, and under slept really caught up to me. I've been pretty sick for the past three days. Funny how sometimes it takes an almost-literal smack in the face for me to have any clarity at all. Balance. I need balance. I had a good handle on the concept for the better part of last semester, but after break it all just sort of got away from me. I need to get back to that point. Otherwise, I'm in for a lot more trouble than a few sick days.

We talk about it a lot in my health psychology class. Mental health is directly tied to physical well being. So my goal for the next week is to try letting go of the emotional baggage I've been dragging around for months (years, even), and to get back to that balance with my classes and work. I realize that days of my life are just passing by, and it seems like such a waste to spend a single one feeling purposeless or unhappy. I need to work on me, and stop concerning myself with what other people are doing right now. I need to get back to the happy place. And that's the only road I know will take me there.

This is the moment,

It's on the line,

Which way you gonna fall?

You're in the middle

Between wrong and right

But you know after all,

It's your life.

What you gonna do?

The world is watching you.

Every day, the choices you make

Say what you are and who your heart beats for,

It's an open door.

It's your life.

Francesca Battistelli

a good start

You're one with the burden of intuition
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare
You're one with the best friend you lost you wish was still there
You're one with the dust on that old piano
You're one with the strings on your new guitar
You're one with wind through the open window
You are

It was a faint line that brought you here
And a pulse that kept you in time
It was the comfort of a tradition
But the fear that you were not that kind
And it's a shame now, baby
You can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey
That has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up
And pick you up

You're one with the echoes of conversation
You're one with the strangers you overheard
You're one with the lesson
That was the best one you learned

It was a long dark sleepy morning walk
And you fell down facing up
It was a good start

And it's a shame now, baby
You can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey
That has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up
And it's a shame now, baby
You can't separate yourself from where you stood
And it's the same world, honey
Made you feel so bad
As the one that makes you feel so good
Feel so good.

Maria Taylor

ballad of a broken heart

Love is a funny thing. We think we can plan for it. (We can't.) We think we're in control. (We're not.) We think we understand it. (We don't.) I've had a rough 4 years when it comes to love and broken hearts. And for the longest time I've gone over it all and re-played every word, every moment over and over, until I finally realized something. I don't deserve to feel unworthy. I don't deserve to feel like crap. And sadder yet, that I am a huge part of making myself feel that way.

No more.

When it is supposed to happen, then someday, it will. Until that day comes along, I am picking up the pieces and moving on with my own life. Throwing myself into work and school, because I am good at those things, and I can control those things, and they make sense. Love does not make sense. I am making myself successful... I don't know what my destination is, but I know what it takes to keep going in the right direction. So I am going to. No more looking back, no more rewinding the past. The past has passed, and this girl is moving forward.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts.

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today,

I just want to feel something today.

I just want to know today, know today, know today,

Know that maybe I will be okay.

"Be OK" Ingrid Michaelson

junior year, take two

Tomorrow marks another chance for a fresh start. New schedule, new classes, new people, new things to learn. Another chance to work hard, and be the best I can. Another chance to succeed. In the 13 short days of 2010, I have already had countless ups and downs. Happiness and disappointment. Laughter and tears. And yet, I still have a good feeling about this year. I know that emotion is a good thing, and passion is something that many people look for and never find, and somehow, I am lucky enough to have passion... for friends, for life, for God.

And, at the risk of sounding redundant, that is why I know this is going to be a good year.

the shadow proves the sunshine

I tend to use this blog as a self-motivator, something to keep me thinking positive. But I'd be lying if I said my life was all rainbows and butterflies. I have a shadow too, you know. As happy as I am for this clean slate, this new year, all of the above are currently ripping through me right now. I have changed quite a bit, because a year ago I would've let all of them sink me down into a seemingly-bottomless pit of depression. I refuse to let them take me down. But that doesn't mean I won't feel them. I am feeling them.

I know I really don't have a place to feel hurt or abandoned. And I know that his leaving has nothing to do with me at all- it's an incredible opportunity, and beneath all of the crap I'm feeling, I am happy for him... proud, even. But I felt it in August, and I am feeling it now, even worse; that feeling when people leave. Really not knowing whether or not they'll even come back. Not in a literal sense, but a figurative one. Will he be the same person in May? Will I? The resentment I feel is not for him, but for myself. Reason tells me that I shouldn't be feeling these things, but I am. I am the kind of person who loves people fiercely. Even when my feelings are not returned. Even when the people I love don't see the world the way I do. I am nostalgic, and sentimental, and emotional, and that's just Beth. This is not a pity party. This is me opening myself up to the hurt and letting myself experience it so that I can move on.

I am going to miss my best friend. Thankfully though, my life will go on, because I need it to. And because life happens, whether we want it to or not. And because now, there's another side to my story. After all, you can't have a shadow without light.

what i got

Since New Year's, I've had a good feeling about this year, and I was driving today when I finally figured out why. I have something I was missing last year, and it's going to make all the difference.

de⋅ter⋅mi⋅na⋅tion

 [di-tur-muh-ney-shuh n]

1. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
2. a fixed purpose or intention.
3. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.

You'll see :)