lie in the sound

Why does every song contain some trace of you?

It's impossible to breathe when you are

everywhere.

self-discovery

I can cry at the drop of a hat. Movies, television shows... I've even teared up during commercials.

I secretly love dresses, though you may never see me wear one.

I love orange juice.

My eye color matches my hair. Brown or blonde, they always match.

I use sarcasm and humor as a defense mechanism, because I am ridiculously sensitive.

I don't ever intend to be late... I just usually am.

My room directly mirrors my mental state- when it is messy and disorganized, it's only because my mind is the same way.

Ever since I lived in Florida on my own, I talk to myself.

In the face of severe evidence to the contrary, I still believe in happy endings.

In spite of not ever working to my potential, I am still successful. Sometimes I wonder what great things I could achieve if I did work to my potential.

Then I wonder why I never do it.

There is an ever-present part of my brain that reminds me that I am not good enough, and that I never will be.

My faith comforts me, but I am constantly doubting God.

I am terrified of getting lost, not knowing where to turn, not knowing the destination. That is a true metaphor for how I feel about my life, and what I am supposed to do with it.

Random? Yes. Pointless? Probably. As far as self-discovery goes?

"As for me, all I know is that I know nothing."

Socrates

today was a perfect day

The magnificence of a sunrise over the dewey green grass.

The exuberant feeling of plunging deep into water, gliding along the smooth bottom.

The warmth from the sun traveling from your fingertips to your toes, while your legs dangle in the cool, clear water.

The evening breeze drying your sun-lightened hair.

The comfort of a meal, surrounded by close friends.

The rush of wind through the open windows of a car, as the music takes you away.

The wonder of a sunset over a sparkling lake.

The glory of a full, yellow moon rising, so close to earth you can see the craters.

The joy of flying through the air on a swing, almost as though you'll never come back down.

Laughing with good friends, who know you, and love you anyway.

The solitude of the full moon, brilliantly illuminating your entire world.

Not a care in the world.

Happiness.

This is what life is about.

sometimes

Sometimes it's alright to just be alone
Sometimes it's alright to just stay at home
Sometimes it's okay if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight.

Maybe we'll fall before we take flight,
Maybe you're all I've got to lose.
They say it's gray, but we see it white
And if I'm lost, thank God I'm lost with you.

Sometimes there's only so much we can take
By the time you arrived, we all needed a break
Sometimes it's okay if we lose our minds
Sometimes it's the only way out of a fight.

It's okay to fight back, it's alright if you lose.
It's okay to give up, we'll still love you if you do.

Seabird

dear someone

I need someone, sometimes. When things get complicated, or messed up, or scary, I need someone to lean on. I need someone who understands me. Someone to just hold me, and remind me that everything will be okay. I need someone who will make me laugh when I get too serious. Someone to complement me. Someone to plan with. Someone to dream with.

I am scared I will never find that person.

I am more scared that I already have.

wordless

I'm not good at handling death.

When faced with a tragedy, certain people know exactly what to do and say. Exactly when to cry, or hug, or laugh. I cannot figure out ways to express my thoughts. When faced with a death, I prefer to retreat into myself, self-medicate, write songs, do anything and everything to take my mind off of the pain.

A good friend's father just passed away. I have yet to see her. I sound so stupid, but I'm afraid to see her. I'm afraid to remind her of the hurt.

I guess because when I'm faced with these tragedies, I feel so uncomfortable when people try to make it seem okay. "I'm so sorry for your loss." WHY do people say that? It doesn't make me feel any better. It wasn't your fault. Something about that line feels so fake to me. But my heart aches for her and her family. None of this seems fair.

keep looking up

I am searching for something.

I wish it was simple enough to sum up into a single noun. It's something I didn't even realize I had lost somewhere along the way, until it was too late. And now I'm desperately searching. It's been so long that I'm questioning whether or not I really had it in the first place.

It's summer. It's a gorgeous, starry night. The windows are open, and the cool breeze dances across my face as I lie in bed. I've just come back from the most incredible weekend. It was full of joy, and laughter, and new friends. As I lay there, clutching the familiar circle of beads, listening to a song that takes me back to that night- that pinnacle of everything, complete LOVE... at fourteen years old, I wonder if life could possibly be any more wonderfully complete.

Three weeks later, Kel died. All thoughts of peace and happiness flew out the window when the phone rang that afternoon. And seven years later, I am still standing at the bottom somewhere.

So I guess what it is that I'm searching for is a way back. Not a way into the past, but a way to bring those feelings into my future. Because sometimes I question if I even have a future, unless I can find that peace and completeness. With myself, with my life, with my faith. I feel as though that night seven years ago, listening to that song, I still possessed some sort of blissful innocence about the world. In a way, once I had to face that loss, and all of the painful losses since... I also lost that innocence. And I've seen enough of life to know that innocence lost does not return. But I also know that I can find that peace and joy and love again, and I will, if it is the last thing I do. I will find what I am searching for.

Maybe this makes no sense to you. I guess it's more of an internal dialogue that a substantial blog, but this is all that is on my mind right now. To write anything else doesn't feel true. Forgive me.