a good start

You're one with the burden of intuition
You're one with the freedom of a blank stare
You're one with the best friend you lost you wish was still there
You're one with the dust on that old piano
You're one with the strings on your new guitar
You're one with wind through the open window
You are

It was a faint line that brought you here
And a pulse that kept you in time
It was the comfort of a tradition
But the fear that you were not that kind
And it's a shame now, baby
You can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey
That has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up
And pick you up

You're one with the echoes of conversation
You're one with the strangers you overheard
You're one with the lesson
That was the best one you learned

It was a long dark sleepy morning walk
And you fell down facing up
It was a good start

And it's a shame now, baby
You can't see yourself in everything you're running from
And it's the same world, honey
That has brought you down
As the one that's gonna pick you up
And it's a shame now, baby
You can't separate yourself from where you stood
And it's the same world, honey
Made you feel so bad
As the one that makes you feel so good
Feel so good.

Maria Taylor

ballad of a broken heart

Love is a funny thing. We think we can plan for it. (We can't.) We think we're in control. (We're not.) We think we understand it. (We don't.) I've had a rough 4 years when it comes to love and broken hearts. And for the longest time I've gone over it all and re-played every word, every moment over and over, until I finally realized something. I don't deserve to feel unworthy. I don't deserve to feel like crap. And sadder yet, that I am a huge part of making myself feel that way.

No more.

When it is supposed to happen, then someday, it will. Until that day comes along, I am picking up the pieces and moving on with my own life. Throwing myself into work and school, because I am good at those things, and I can control those things, and they make sense. Love does not make sense. I am making myself successful... I don't know what my destination is, but I know what it takes to keep going in the right direction. So I am going to. No more looking back, no more rewinding the past. The past has passed, and this girl is moving forward.

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts.

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today,

I just want to feel something today.

I just want to know today, know today, know today,

Know that maybe I will be okay.

"Be OK" Ingrid Michaelson

junior year, take two

Tomorrow marks another chance for a fresh start. New schedule, new classes, new people, new things to learn. Another chance to work hard, and be the best I can. Another chance to succeed. In the 13 short days of 2010, I have already had countless ups and downs. Happiness and disappointment. Laughter and tears. And yet, I still have a good feeling about this year. I know that emotion is a good thing, and passion is something that many people look for and never find, and somehow, I am lucky enough to have passion... for friends, for life, for God.

And, at the risk of sounding redundant, that is why I know this is going to be a good year.

the shadow proves the sunshine

I tend to use this blog as a self-motivator, something to keep me thinking positive. But I'd be lying if I said my life was all rainbows and butterflies. I have a shadow too, you know. As happy as I am for this clean slate, this new year, all of the above are currently ripping through me right now. I have changed quite a bit, because a year ago I would've let all of them sink me down into a seemingly-bottomless pit of depression. I refuse to let them take me down. But that doesn't mean I won't feel them. I am feeling them.

I know I really don't have a place to feel hurt or abandoned. And I know that his leaving has nothing to do with me at all- it's an incredible opportunity, and beneath all of the crap I'm feeling, I am happy for him... proud, even. But I felt it in August, and I am feeling it now, even worse; that feeling when people leave. Really not knowing whether or not they'll even come back. Not in a literal sense, but a figurative one. Will he be the same person in May? Will I? The resentment I feel is not for him, but for myself. Reason tells me that I shouldn't be feeling these things, but I am. I am the kind of person who loves people fiercely. Even when my feelings are not returned. Even when the people I love don't see the world the way I do. I am nostalgic, and sentimental, and emotional, and that's just Beth. This is not a pity party. This is me opening myself up to the hurt and letting myself experience it so that I can move on.

I am going to miss my best friend. Thankfully though, my life will go on, because I need it to. And because life happens, whether we want it to or not. And because now, there's another side to my story. After all, you can't have a shadow without light.

what i got

Since New Year's, I've had a good feeling about this year, and I was driving today when I finally figured out why. I have something I was missing last year, and it's going to make all the difference.

de⋅ter⋅mi⋅na⋅tion

 [di-tur-muh-ney-shuh n]

1. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
2. a fixed purpose or intention.
3. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.

You'll see :)