my not-so-storybook ending

Dear ___________,

For the longest time, my fairy tale was very specific. I knew it just had to be you. I had this feeling that no matter what happened to us, in the end, we would end up together. Everyone else was so convinced we were perfect for each other that it simply had to be true.

I was completely incapable of imagining my future with a different outcome. The thought that we wouldn’t wind up together was terrifying. For years, you were the only person I’ve ever wanted… I didn’t allow myself to consider any other possiblity. I literally convinced myself that you were exactly the one I’d been looking for. I fell in love with the story of our friendship, imagining how perfect it would sound after we got together. “Hung up” doesn’t even begin to describe how bad it was. I really loved you. But, as I learned the hard way, unrequited love does not a fairy tale make.

Recently, for the first time ever, I realized that it might not be you. You might not be the man I marry. You may not even be a man that I ever date. Maybe there really is someone out there who is more perfect for me than you. Someone better than the someone I had “settled” for imagining myself with for so long. That thought is more liberating than I could’ve ever imagined. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to think it.

Unfortunately, this does not mean my feelings for you will instantly evaporate the minute I hit publish. Chances are pretty good that I will always wonder what if, especially since I know that we will both be in each other’s lives for a long time. And when this better man doesn’t come along on a white horse right away, I have a feeling I still might wish that you’ll step in and change the ending. But here’s my confession: I hope you don’t. It’s finally time I got myself a new story.

Here’s to endings. Here’s to beginnings. Here’s to rewriting the story.

More-Sincerely-than-I-have-ever-been,

Beth

just maybe

I don’t know about you, but my life has been marked by books. Since the years of “Goodnight Moon” and Dr. Seuss, reading has been everything. I was the girl who got in trouble for reading under my desk in 4rd grade math class. Beth wasn’t complete without a book in hand. Quirky, nerdy, or otherwise, this was (is) me.

My childhood was shaped by the innocence of the Babysitter’s Club, and the curiosity of Nancy Drew. My middle school years from age 11 were charmed by the magical imagination of JK Rowling- effectively growing up alongside Harry and company. Salinger spoke to my angst-y, teenage soul in “Catcher in the Rye”. Then Ann Brashares taught me more about myself and my friends than I thought possible in the Sisterhood books. And so it goes…

There were literally hundreds of books between those mentioned. But I do feel like my life has been shaped by the characters and worlds contained in the pages of these books. Reading has been my only constant- my solace in times of sorrow, my peace in times of contentment… my connection to myself.

Why am I writing this now? I guess partially because I’ve never acknowledged this quite so frankly. And also, because today (while reading a book, of course), it hit me. I think I am supposed to be writing. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, or my true post-undergrad naivete coming out, but I think it just may be what I want to do.

So this is me saying, just maybe, I am going to try.

after a while

After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean possession
and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

what if

I realize that it has literally been ages since I've posted on here, but I'm feeling the itch, so here goes. The past few months have been pretty standard for my life. I turned 22 and graduated college, so naturally I am in the throes of an epic existential crisis... trying to figure out my life is slightly overwhelming. I am still pathetically in love with a guy who may or may not return the feeling. And I just feel like I am in some kind of holding pattern. "Waiting for my real life to begin."

But on a late night like this, I get to thinking. What if. What if I got everything I ever wanted? Would I be happy... content... overjoyed? Or would I be sad? Would I miss the feeling of hope and longing? Would I miss wondering?

As much as I want certain things to happen for me, what if they were never supposed to in the first place? What if I am hoping for the wrong things?

That thought alone scares the hell out of me. It's the kind of thought that ties a knot in the pit of my stomach. The kind of thought I wish I could take back. But there it is.

still here

In case you were worried about my well-being, have no fear- I'm still here.

In the interest of time, and finals, and the small matter of finishing up my undergraduate career, I have started yet another blog. It requires much less attention to substantial musings, while still providing an ample outlet for my procrastinating needs.

No, I am not leaving Blogger. Rest assured, there will be posts in the future. But, on the off-chance anyone actually reads this blog and wants to keep up with me on a more daily basis, I can be found HERE.

drowning

At the risk of sounding psychotic, I sort of feel like I'm voluntarily sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool and watching it fill with water. I'm drowning, and yet I am making no moves to swim for air. I am not tied to the floor. There aren't any weights strapped to my ankles. I am sitting at the bottom, staring up at the surface, slowly suffocating. The water just keeps getting deeper.

Of course, this entire scenario is metaphorical. But it is an extraordinarily exact description of how I feel with regards to school and life. I have so much to do in so little time (my own procrastination's fault), that every single deadline and responsibility is like another ten gallons of water pressing on my lungs. And still, I stay. Making no moves to save myself. Eventually, I have to make a decision- sink or swim. Pass or fail. The irony in this situation is that I'm a good swimmer. I'm a good student. Former lifeguard. Dean's List 7 semesters in a row.

So why am I still at the bottom? And why am I not moving?

convenience

Does anyone ever feel like they're the convenience friend? You know, "I-had-plans-with-someone-else-but-they-bailed-so-let's-do-something", or the "I'm-just-really-busy-I-only-care-about-your-problems-in-my-free-time", or "I've-got-nothing-better-to-do". Sound familiar? If not you're lucky. But if you're like me, there's about a thousand more.

I am the convenience friend by profession. It's a job I never signed up for, but if it was a paid position, I would own an island in the Caribbean by now. Sometimes it's easy to deny- they're just busy! It's okay, you know deep down they care about you. They're going through a lot right now. But tonight, I've had a breakthrough... ready?

SCREW THAT. Real friends care, no matter how busy they are. Real friends make time, instead of just waiting for me to. This has been a terrible week- on the list of my top 10 worst weeks ever. And I have been blown off and ignored and "re-scheduled" too many times to count. I am over this- this is my official resignation from the position of convenience friend. I'm over having my heart broken.

i broke

My life has been so insane lately.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to go on a retreat with my school... I think I was initially excited, but as it drew closer, excitement turned to dread. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but it turned out to be wonderful. It has been years since I went on a retreat as a participant and not a leader, and I think I needed that. Bottom line, I didn't have any lightning bolts of divine inspiration but I did come out with a little tip from God- He's got a plan. So all of the worrying and stressing I do is pointless. I need to just let go and lean on Him.

About 45 minutes after arriving home, I fell and broke a finger on my right hand. Now I have to depend on others for a lot of things I can usually do by myself. My life is not my own.

I'm not sure I was looking for such a literal emphasis, but point taken!

You Are Here

I am being torn in about 15 different directions. Different people, different places, different paths. I have no idea which path is the correct path, or if there is even such a thing as a Correct Path. Perhaps I'll be like Emerson, and decide in 50 years that I would've ended up in the same place no matter what. Or maybe I'll never figure it out. Am I condemned to a life of "What If's"?

I am scared. Actual, can't-sleep-because-I-am-outlining-every-possible-worst-case-scenario-in-my-sad-little-mind terrified.

I have been in school for as long as I can remember. It is all I've ever known, all I've ever done. Now, I graduate college in two months. And what's next? More school? Most likely. But where? For what? Which degree? Which city? Which job?

I'm surprised my brain hasn't yet exploded. It's surely only a matter of time.

what you put up with, you end up with.

I am in NO WAY taking credit for the following post. But I read it today, and it really hit home. I do these "I'm-changing-now-really-I-am" posts all the time. Obviously, I either have no will-power or I have a lot wrong with my life... I tend to think it's both! Regardless, here goes nothing.

"It is very easy to blame other people for what’s wrong in your life. But in every circumstance, other people are never to blame. Any relationship you’ve ever been in, you’ve chosen to be in. Every action you’ve taken in every moment of your life was a choice that you made.

This is what is meant by “you are 100% responsible for your life”. For you to grow, for life to open even more, for magic to happen, you must raise your standards. The things you “should” get around to, have to become the things you “must” do.

Anyone who is a high achiever is not a procrastinator. They act, and they act now. Take action with your greatest life in mind. Constantly work on yourself and do not be afraid to let go of people who no longer serve your happiness.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you and who you love to love and support. Act from the place of knowing you are worth all the love, success and happiness that you can squeeze out of life. Hold yourself to a standard of excellence that you’ve always known SHOULD be yours, this is not a dress rehearsal.

The Uni-verse is a direct mirror of your self-worth, self-love and willingness to grow. Look around – what do you see? If you’re life isn’t constantly expanding & growing, if you aren’t constantly stepping outside your comfort zone – ask yourself – what are you waiting for? We are about to enter a new year and a new DECADE.

As Tony Robbins says, “You will certainly arrive 10 years from now; the question is where and with whom?”.

Where do you want to be when this decade is over? Imagine another 10 years of the same bad habits! Is that who you really are? Is that the kind of life you really want? I don’t think so.

Remember - what you put up with, you end up with. The time is now to only have the best in your life. You are worth it. Decide now."

Source: TheDailyLove.com

nothing gold can stay

Things are in a constant state of change. I keep rediscovering that truth, and each time it hits with the impact of a sucker punch to the stomach. Never has it been more apparent than right now, though. Mostly in terms of friendships. I sort of want to do one of those Facebook warning things, but for like, my life:

After 12pm tomorrow, Beth will be

deleting all inactive relationships.

Unless you verify your status to Beth,

your account will be removed.

If only it were that easy. Although, then I guess I'd be afraid of who would (or wouldn't) be left.

what it's all about

valentine's day (pt. II)

Typically, I would spend today sulking, and moping, and generally just dwelling on my romance-less life. Oddly enough, this year, I'm fine. Valentine's day, Schmalentine's day... it's cute if you're in a relationship. Go for it. There's even something endearing about the clueless guys aimlessly wandering around stores, clutching flowers and boxes of chocolates.

I've come to the conclusion that I have endless amounts of love in my life. Sure, it's not with a boyfriend right now. But I have family and friends, and God- that actually IS infinite amounts of love!

day thirty

Your highs and lows of this month...

Not sure if they mean the 30 days I've been blogging, or like, February so far. I'm gonna go with the former. I'll start with lows (so I can end on a high note :) Not going to lie here, this semester is kind of a bummer. I like one of my classes, but that's about it. For the most part I just wanna get OUT. Also, I've kind of been a hermit, but not really by choice anymore. It's hitting way harder that my closest friends are far away, and the ones that aren't don't have the time of day for me, generally speaking. Loneliness is not awesome.

As far as highs go... I've read a lot of good books (sidenote: C.S. Lewis was a genius). And I've started doing a regular yoga class, and I'm basically obsessed. I have a feeling I'll be doing this for the rest of my life.

And that, dear readers, concludes my Thirty Days of Blogging challenge. We will now return to the regularly scheduled programming.

day twenty-nine

Goals for the next 30 days...

I'm really lacking all motivation right now. I didn't know that senioritis existed in college, but I've got it in a big way. I'd really just like to get organized and do some work! I need focus and balance and SLEEP. My professor totally called me out on being tired today = not cool. The jerk was right though, my exhaustion probably isn't helping to motivate me.

Also, I want to shake things up. I think I might do the raw food thing again, in a few weeks. It was easy, cheap, and I've never felt better in my entire life.

day twenty-eight

Something that you miss...

The days of being sure about everything. Although, as I'm writing this, I'm flashbacking to that week at the lakehouse the summer before we all left for college. Ironically, we weren't sure about anything back then... well, except that we had the best friendships in the world.

We were just all together, in one place, and time seemed to stand still for a few days. I miss it. Everyone has gone in their separate ways, living their separate lives- no one really has time for each other anymore. It's pretty crappy, but I guess that's just how it goes.

day twenty-seven

A problem that you have had...

Patience! I struggle with being patient... in lines, while driving, with friends. For some reason, I am often in a rush for no apparent reason. I've been working on that though- sometimes I get in the long line at the grocery store and will myself to be patient and kind to the cashier. It's a lot easier to be patient when you put yourself in the other person's shoes, I am finding.

day twenty-six

What kind of person attracts you...

I don't care so much about hair color, or eye color even... a nice smile is a big thing though. Someone who radiates happiness. Someone honest, and loyal. Someone who would fight for me. A good listener. Someone strong in their faith, who would challenge me as well. A man who would help me to become the best version of myself, and vice versa.

...And someone who can kill a bug without laughing at me. Okay, well maybe he can laugh a little- but he'll always do it because he won't want me to be scared :)

day twenty-five

Someone who fascinates you and why...

I'm not sure if they're looking for someone who I know personally, or if I can pick anyone... if it's the latter, I'm gonna have to go with the Dalai Lama (Amanda is probably laughing at this if she remembers the book I got her to read 3 years ago).

I consider myself a devout Catholic, but I have always been utterly fascinated by other religions- mostly because, when you boil them down, they all preach the same essential messages. Apparently, he agrees with me, as he said, "All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion, and forgiveness... the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives."

He's just such an inspiration of peace and love, and, given the chance, I would love to just hang out with him! Just read his tweets here (yes, he tweets!). You'll see what I mean. If every person could tap into just a fraction of his kindness and optimism and hope... the world would be an infinitely better place.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

day twenty-four

Your favorite movie and what it's about...

I love romance movies. Love them (pardon the very obvious and un-amusing pun)! When I tried to think about which one is my favorite, I kept coming back to Love Actually (click for the trailer).

It's a movie about love, in all of it's different forms. It is about eight couples who are dealing with loss, heartbreak, true love, unrequited love, familial love, affairs... what I love most is that not everyone gets a happy ending. In my idealist heart, I want to believe that everyone gets a happy ending. But the fact that not everyone in the movie does feels more real, and closer to real life. My favorite storyline in the movie is the little boy, Sam- his mom dies at the beginning, and he is left to live with his distant stepfather. The whole story line is about Sam being in love with a girl who doesn't know he exists, and how that brings him and his stepfather together. And in the end, after a pretty romantic sprint through the airport, he gets a sweet little kiss. It's adorable.

There's also a woman, Sarah, who I totally relate to. She's been working the same job for over 3 years, and has been in love with her coworker the entire time. And the only one who doesn't know is him... Yeah. Similar to my own sad, little unrequited love story. And the picture I chose is a screen shot from one of the best scenes in the whole movie, when Mark confesses his love for Juliette.

But it's just a movie that warms your heart! And even though it's technically a Christmas movie, I totally watch it all year round. It's definitely my favorite!

day twenty-three

Five famous men you find attractive...

Although I'm not a huge fan of sexually-objectifying men, I haven't deviated from this blogger challenge yet. And, let's face it... these five are pretty hot:

Christopher Meloni, aka Elliot Stabler of Law & Order: SVU. Aside from the piercing blue eyes, he has that totally irresistible badass vibe, but we all know he's one of the good guys.

Jesse Williams, of Grey's Anatomy. The picture pretty much speaks for itself (oh, the eyes!)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I've loved him ever since his debut in the classic "10 Things I Hate About You". I dug his nerdy vibe in the 90's, and now he's just steamy.

Ian Somerhalder... yes, Boone from LOST. Or the evil Damon from Vampire Diaries. It's the smoldering eyes, I'm telling you. Or the chiseled jaw. Either way, he's got it going on. He's so disgustingtly goodlooking he's almost unbelievable as a human.

John Krasinski. He is probably the most like a normal guy. He's Jim from the Office! He's a little nerdy, but super romantic... definitely my type :)

day twenty-two

How have you changed in the past two years?

I think that I am smarter. More brave. A little more comfortable with who I am and where (I think) I'm headed. I think I might trust people a little less... one can only withstand so much disappointment. But I've definitely learned some stuff.

2009 Beth is long-gone.

day twenty-one

One of your favorite shows...

FRIENDS! I may have discussed it on here before, but I love it. I have other shows that I watch and enjoy, but I always come back to Friends. Whenever anything bad happens, or I'm stressed, I can just pop in one of the DVDs (without needing to avidly watch it because I've seen them all so many times) and it makes me laugh and smile. I can probably quote every episode, and random things remind me of Friends all the time. Sad? Maybe. But it's just enough comfort and familiarity to take my mind off of whatever is bothering me. I love the characters too, perhaps because I see bits of my friends in each one of them, but also because I see myself in them too.

I have a lot of Monica's OCD-control freak behaviors, perhaps a touch of Rachel's spoiled side, definitely some of Phoebe's weird quirkiness, Ross' bad luck, Joey's resistance to change, and a whole ton of Chandler's sarcasm (I actually think I'm probably most like Chandler).

Now that I sound like an obsessed weirdo, I'll stop talking!

What are your favorite shows?

day twenty

How important you think education is...

My family jokingly calls me the perpetual student. It's not really a joke though- I love learning. I love to read, and learn about as many different things as I can (insert sarcastic quip about learning Greek in my spare time for no apparent reason). I am the happiest with a big book in my lap. The way I see it, there is so much in the world to learn, I'd feel as though I was wasting my life if I ignored it all! I want to learn as much about as many things as I can. Not just in school either- "I love learning" does not translate to "I love tests and papers and stress." I do my best learning outside of the classroom, in the books I read and with the people I meet.

Formal education is not everything. There are many people who tout their degrees and titles and act like that is license to say anything they want; like somehow a PhD means that you know everything. In truth, some of the smartest, wisest people I know hold no degrees, and no titles of honor. I think I actually have more respect for those people. The most important learning anyone can do is outside of school; that is a notion I feel like we, as a society, are losing. It's school, and then work. No learning in between. When in reality, the most important learning we can do does not involve a professor, or a textbook, or even a high-paying job. It's about all of the little moments in between, and how we choose to spend them. For me, learning = living. So are you doing something you love and living, or just existing? There's a big difference.

day nineteen

Disrespecting your parents...

...Don't do it?

day eighteen

Your beliefs...

It's funny, when I read this topic, I kind of rolled my eyes. My beliefs? About what? God? Religion? Government? Life? Upon further thought, I realized that all of those things are inextricably connected. But what I'm going to focus the most on is moral relativism. We have gotten to a point where people can literally deny that there are any objective rights and wrongs. "It's all relative"... that implies that there are no absolutes in the world (the irony is that the statement "everything is relative", is actually an absolute. So either there is one exception to that rule, or people are just stupidly defying all laws of logic. But I digress).

"At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life."

(Casey v. Planned Parenthood, 1992)

What?! Are you kidding me? So I can decide that I believe that my concept of existence is purple. There is no meaning in the world, the entire universe happened because an elephant sneezed, and human life is actually a dream. And no one could tell me I'm wrong? No, none of that makes sense. Yes, it sounds crazy. But somewhere along the lines, we got freedom confused with free-for-all. There MUST be moral rights and wrongs in natural law. There are! We are just, as a country, getting pretty familiar with denying them.

Just think about this. You have a group of 7-year old kids who have never seen a baseball game in their lives, but you throw them out onto the field and say "go play". No rules, no regulations. What happens? Chaos. Not only does nobody win or lose, there is literally no point. We're the little kids, and the baseball field is the world. If we don't start playing by some rules, we're pointless. Speak for yourselves, but I don't want to be pointless.

So, to conclude: I believe in undeniable, objective moral truths.

day seventeen

Your highs and lows of this past year...

We play a game like this at youth group- "best-est/worst-est". We have to say (obviously) the best and worst part of our week. It's always pretty easy to zero in on those two things when you're only looking at 7 days... a year is a bit of another story. There are no two specific events that I can look at and say "Yep. That was the best and worst moment of my life." It's been a year full of little moments. Small victories and small losses.

Yet again, not going to go into great detail (I'm hitting that wall where it becomes tiresome to blog every single day...), but my best times were those shared with friends, though they were few and far between.

My worst was every single time I listened to that inner voice telling me "how it is". That I'm not good enough, that I'll always fail, that I'm better off alone. I let that voice dictate my life for too much of this past year, and one of my resolutions has been to shut it up. That said, I'm still a work in progress!

day sixteen

Your views on mainstream music...

It's no secret that I live for music. Songs and lyrics are all over this blog. My friends joke that I only listen to the weird bands. And it's true, I do enjoy a good hidden gem every now and then- but my favorite game is predicting who will get big. I love following bands and singers from their early days, and then watching their careers take off. The satisfaction of believing in them before anyone else did is something I can't really explain. But it's a cool feeling.

I cannot group music into mainstream versus underground, any more than I can group music by exclusive genres. I do not discriminate when it comes to music. If it is beautiful, if it is passionate, if it is honest, or catchy- I will listen to it. I love good music. The end :)

day fifteen

Your favorite blogs...

Yeah, not going to get descriptive here. I started this blog along with two other good friends in August of 2009 as a way of keeping in touch and staying "together" while we were all at school, and to this day, their blogs are among my favorites to read. Also, several of my "new" friends from a retreat in December have started blogs, and I love reading those as well. It's just a fun and different way to get to know people... and speaking as a psychology person, I do love getting to know people.

day fourteen

Your earliest memory...

I was with my aunt and uncle, and it's all really hazy because I think I must have only been two years old. But the townhouse we used to live in was near a pond, and I remember taking a walk with them and feeding the ducks pieces of bread. It probably seems insignificant, but I lost that same uncle to a brain tumor in 2008, so it's kind of taken on a new significance for me.

day thirteen

Somewhere you'd like to move or visit...

I really have always wanted to see the Northern lights. Maybe not as exciting an answer as the standard Europe or Australia or something, but visiting the "aurora oval" is something I would love to do. So I suppose that means I'd have to go to Alaska during an equinox month (I think I'd like September best). It's probably totally commercialized now, with tickets and shows and stuff. But in my head I'm just there with the man I love, laying on a blanket, watching the sky all night.

day twelve

Bullet your whole day...

• Woke up at 7:45am (roughly... I am a deep sleeper, and set approximately three to four alarms on any given day, just in case!)
• Took an unnecessarily long shower
• Got ready whilst listening to some tunes, courtesy of Pandora radio
• Drove to campus / ate a granola bar
• Met my advisor for a meeting about my senior seminar paper (it went well)
• Drove home
• Ate a sandwich
• Watched last night's SVU, and caught up on reruns of Greek
• Took a nap
• Did my Greek homework
• Went to Greek school
• Came home, and got the s**t scratched out of my hand by my cat (she thought it would be fun to kickstart her epic jump off the couch directly on my hand. It probably was fun... for her.)
• Now I'm just on Facebook, wasting away... going to bed soon, because I can... and because I need it.
• Goodnight!

P.S. Sorry this was the most boring day ever... it's just unfortunate that day twelve happened to fall on today. I feel like I have way more exciting days than just hanging out in sweatpants watching reruns. Oh well! We all need some downtime every now and then.

day eleven

Put your iPod on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up...

To say that I love music seems like an incredibly weak understatement. It affects me more than it affects most people I think- songs can make me cry, they can instantly alter my mood, they are inextricably connected with memories from the past... at the risk of sounding incredibly cliché, music is sort of my life. So to just write ten, completely random, shuffled songs down isn't enough for me- each song title is a link to a youtube version of the song. And naturally, I have something to say about each one! Maybe you'll like some of them, too:

1. "To Build A Home" The Cinematic Orchestra

This is a gorgeous song. It seems to be about trying to hold on to the past, and then realizing that there's nothing to hold on to anymore. It's a little depressing, but amazing nonetheless. The orchestra towards the end of the song is lovely.

2. "Stop For a Minute" Keane ft. K'Naan

I saw Keane perform this live in August and it's a great song. The singer is talking about all of the noise and distractions in his life, and how when he stops to think and be quiet, it's frightening. But then he realizes that he's got one person on his side.

3. "When I Fall in Love" Nat King Cole

I love oldies, and this is no exception- a song about true romance. I sort of wish I was alive during this era of music, because it's so classy. Nat King Cole's voice could make me swoon... seriously.

4. "Delicate" Damien Rice

This song breaks my heart every time I hear it, mostly because all of the personal memories attached to it (listening to it, playing it, seeing Damien play it, etc). It's about two friends who are scared to be more than that, basically. "It's not that we're scared, it's just that it's delicate."

5. "Battle (Pt. II)" Chris August

This is a catchy remix of the original, and it's about evil trying to fight for your soul, but how the cross (Jesus) has already won your heart. Such a jam.

6. "Typical" Mutemath

This one is awesome to drive to- it's about breaking through the "ordinary" and searching for something more meaningful, on the other side... I kind of see it from a Christian perspective. Like thinking about what is beyond this small, typical life on earth.

7. "Heart to Tell" The Love Language

About never working up the nerve to tell someone you love them, and then dealing with your broken heart when you're around them- also knowing that a broken heart is better than losing them forever. "You can walk all over me, just don't you walk away". So catchy and awesome though.

8. "My Love" Sia

It's about losing someone you love. The violins in this song alone could reduce you to tears (Especially in the bridge [3:57] Holy crap.). Sia has this amazingly haunting voice.

9. "Turn Me On" Norah Jones

A pretty sexy, self-explanatory song. But kind of soulful and sweet at the same time. It was in one of my favorite movies. (I think that's day 24's topic!)

10. "Light Up the Sky" The Afters

An awesome, awesome Christian band! This one's about how God is with us in our darkest moments, and about all of the signs he sends to show us the way. Even the darkest night gives way to a sunrise.

So, there you have it. A very random selection of music, a la iPod shuffle. All awesome though. And this entry actually took forever because then it warranted an all-out youtube search for good versions of each song. So I hope you've enjoyed it!

day ten

Discuss your first love and first kiss...

This is timely, because I was just cleaning out an old drawer and found a bunch of my old journals. One of them contained the personal narrative of my first kiss. It was hysterical to read again (I was a tad dramatic). But I was a freshman in high school, and I'd liked this sophomore boy for so long. Our families used to be good friends, and they were over for dinner one night. I went up to my room to get something, and he followed me. And then he confessed that he had feelings for me, and we kissed. It's funny to think back on, because I remember the giddy feeling- I don't think I stopped smiling for 24 hours straight. In retrospect, he was kind of a pig who wound up totally treating me like crap, but that night? That night, I was on Cloud Nine.

As is often the case, my first kiss and my first love are two different people, separated by about 3 years. I met this boy in junior year, but it wasn't until senior year that I realized my feelings for him. He's just the kind of guy that I'm completely comfortable with, you know? Like, we were close, and I just knew that becoming more than friends would be the easiest thing in the world. But nothing ever happened, and nothing probably ever will- it's just my luck that my first love would be an unrequited love. And however pathetic this may sound, I still have some feelings for him. So it's not one of those warm and fuzzy, high school sweethearts, soulmate-type love stories. But that's what I've got. I guess I'm still waiting for the future husband from my last post to come and sweep me off my feet!

day nine

How you hope your future will be...

Well, my husband and I will have met purely by chance. He's a Catholic, loving man, who can always make me laugh. He'll have a secure job- but a job that he loves. I'll still be teaching as an adjunct and working on my doctorate when we get married, so we'll wait to have kids for a couple of years (not too long, because we'll both want a family). But we'll enjoy the quiet time as newlyweds- he loves to read, so we share in plenty of discussions about books and philosophy and life. We'll be able to pray together, and spend hours laughing and enjoying each others' company. When we do have children (two boys and a girl :) I'll take a few years off from teaching to raise them, but I'll still continue writing from home - I'll publish my first book by the time I'm 32. Once they all start school, I'll get back into teaching- but my schedule will be worked out so that I'll be there to pick them up every afternoon. Maybe it seems like I'm anti-feminism or something (I can assure you, I am not), but I want to be home with my kids, cooking for them, doing their laundry, and spending time together reading and playing. I guess I'm just old-fashioned! And me, my husband, and our three hypothetical children will live happily ever after.

Whew. That was fun. Bit of a fantasy, but it was fun.

day eight

A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life...

I blogged about this moment on here before.

I was fourteen years old, and had just gotten back from a Steubenville weekend. I had met all of these wonderful people, and everything was just amazing. I was praying and drifting off to sleep... now every time I hear that song that was playing, I'm right back in that moment, laying in my bed and feeling so incredibly happy and blessed.

That's not to say I've been unhappy ever since- I get glimmers of that peace and joy every now and then. But in that moment, I was completely and utterly satisfied with my life. I didn't think it could get any better.

day seven

Does your zodiac sign fit your personality?

Traditional traits of a Taurus woman include emotional strength, independence, loyalty, introversion, and a flair for the artistic. Taurus women are also genuine and tend to seek out the same quality in others. They don't become upset easily, but when they do, they have volatile tempers and the capacity for extreme stubbornness.

Emotional Strength

The female Taurus is very emotionally powerful and can handle huge amounts of stress. That stress may come from her job, her family, or herself, but she seldom crumbles under pressure. She prefers to avoid looking for sympathy and she will instead rely on her independence and fortitude to get through a stressful situation. It's best not to push her, though—if she is deliberately provoked beyond her stress limits, she'll react by becoming very angry (…pretty true).

Independence

Independence is one of the most well known traits of a Taurus woman. She knows how to get things done herself and certainly isn't afraid to take on a new project or lead others. She often prefers to work on her own rather than in a group. A Taurus woman is assertive when she needs to be, but she doesn't mind when someone else takes the lead, especially her partner in a romantic relationship.

Loyalty

A typical Taurus woman is quite loyal. Though she may have many friends and acquaintances, she'll grant her loyalty to only a few, and she'll expect the same thing in return. She's always ready to provide support or guidance to those few, and she'll be easily disappointed if she doesn't get the same in return. Taurus women are choosy when selecting romantic partners, and it may take them a while to find someone to whom they'll commit, but once they do, they'll be very devoted.

Introversion

Many wouldn't guess that Taurus women are naturally introverts, since they don't hesitate to take on leadership roles and they have no problem with going after what they want. However, the Taurus female needs time alone to recharge after being with a large group or socializing at a big event. She loves planning her own schedule and choosing how she perceives the things around her, which she's more easily able to do on her own. Her internal life is very active, and you won't be privy to many of her thoughts unless she's close to you.

Artistic Flare

Nature and aesthetic beauty are very important to a Taurus woman. She enjoys being outside and looking for beautiful views or places that are particularly camera-friendly. Generally, she's happiest in an artistic space or when she can surround herself with objects that she finds pleasing to look at.

Genuineness

Putting up with artifice, facades, or false impressions isn't tolerable for a Taurus woman. She wants people to present themselves as they truly are, and she'll quickly grow weary of those who dance around issues or try to shape her perceptions of reality. You can expect a female Taurus to always be honest about who she is and what she wants, and she'll leave a first impression that proves to be representative of her true personality.

Temper

It's rare for a Taurus woman to become so upset that she loses her temper, but when she does, it's not easily forgotten. Chances are, she's put up with a lot of stress before reaching a breaking point, so her outbursts are intense. She can be very stubborn about the points she makes and won't budge on her views unless she's given a very good reason to change them.

This is all so true, it's almost creepy. I know we're not supposed to put too much stock in something so wishy-washy (and ironically, all that stuff just came out about the zodiac changing... in case you were worried, read this) but this is right on the money. I can generally handle a lot of stress (I don't necessarily enjoy it, but who does?). I hate working in groups and would much rather be on my own. I am loyal to a fault- I often get hurt by friends to whom loyalty does not matter. And I hate people who are flaky and lie... I have no patience for people who aren't genuine, and I can always tell when I'm being lied to. I said this yesterday in my facts, but I am an introvert and an extrovert- I like to lead, especially in youth group, and even though I hate group projects, I'm always the one who will take charge- but there is a lot that goes on in my head that no one will ever probably know. I love art, and nature and beauty... and I have a pretty outrageous temper. But it does take a lot for me to show it. So creepy. And so, so accurate.

day six

Write 30 "interesting" facts about yourself...

1. I used to hate wearing socks, but now I love them.
2. I'm learning to speak Greek, just because.
3. I love to cook, but rarely get the opportunity.
4. I have perfect vision.
5. I make pretty awesome guacamole (according to friends and family :)
6. Ever since I lived alone, I relish the times I have the house to myself. I like solitude.
7. I really hate being in crowds. Concerts, the mall... I'd just rather not. With several exceptions.
8. I love driving to a good mix CD... music is the only reason I like to drive.
9. At this moment in time, I have 13,272 songs in my iTunes library.
10. I am a very fast reader, and would read all day, every day if I could.
11. I am an introvert AND and extrovert.
12. I don't really like chocolate.
13. My favorite show is Friends, and I watch it a lot.
14. I've been known to cry during sappy commercials.
15. I always feel awkward when movie credits start to roll.
16. I love love love orange juice. No idea why.
17. I can only sleep in cold rooms- I run my ceiling fan year-round.
18. The other night I had a nightmare in which Paula Deen was trying to kill me. Not kidding.
19. It's a little too cold for this right now, but I love taking naps outside.
20. I have a shampoo obsession- there's probably 30-something bottles in my bathroom.
21. I love the smell of men's cologne.
22. I make to-do lists all the time.
23. There is a cemetery behind my house.
24. I cannot be productive in a messy room.
25. I used to sprint up the stairs at night when I was little, because I felt like something was following me. I am almost 22 years old, and I still do.
26. I am a total sucker for boys who play guitar. It's always been my downfall.
27. I often do "shots" of apple cider vinegar, because it's awesome for your health and I sort of like the taste.
28. I still color- like, in coloring books. With crayons. It's therapeutic.
29. I abhor the feeling of tags on washcloths. They give me the chills.
30. My favorite time of day is 12:34. I get legitimately excited.

day five

A time you thought about ending your own life...

A little personal, but I think everyone hits rock bottom at some point. I won't get too verbose here, but basically in sophomore year of high school, I started hanging out with not-such-great friends. They were into sex and drinking and drugs, and since I was friends with them, I became party to all that crap as well. It was kind of a reaction to the death of my cousin, and my subsequent loss of faith- one of those "teenagers acting out" situations, sort of. Except instead of acting out, I was internalizing everything- wondering why nothing could make me feel better, why I wasn't having fun with these people, questioning my self-worth. It was a dark, dark time in my life. And I will admit that for a chunk of that time, the thought of ending my life seemed like a possible solution.

Looking back, that's laughable- killing yourself is never a solution. And with the help of better friends and prayer, I was able to pull myself out of that darkness and back to a place where I could feel happy again. Just to prove a point though, freshmen year of college was another dark time in my life. I hated my school, my major, was stressed and lonely and sad 24/7 and was also dealing with another dying relative. But at no point in that time did the thought of suicide ever enter my mind. I had a sense of my own self-worth, and I knew I would be okay eventually.

So, yes, I think we all hit rock bottom at some point. And some of us stay there for days, weeks, and years. But we learn something in picking ourselves back up again. At least I did.

day four

Your views on religion...

Anyone who reads my blog (probably) knows I am Catholic. Personally, I love my religion, and want to dedicate the rest of my life to learning and exploring it. It is an enormous aspect of my life, and though my faith may sometimes waver, God is ever-present and unchanging.

But the question is about religion, not MY religion. Interestingly enough, I am writing my senior thesis about spirituality and it's effect on well-being. I'm exploring many faiths, not just my own. But the bottom line is, faith benefits everyone. It gives life greater purpose, it brings us into community with others (important, because we are social beings), and saves us from the existential vacuum of the world... and I've been in that existential vacuum before. Pretty awful.

I think religion is important. Belief in a higher power puts our small, human problems into much greater perspective. And belief in a plan greater than our own brings our lives fulfillment. I don't know that it's necessarily Catholic to believe in "all paths to God", but I have a hard time denouncing anything that brings people closer to the Truth. No one will accept a religion that is shoved down their throats, and some people don't come to find faith until later in life- everyone has a different relationship with God.

But, yeah, I guess I think that religion is kind of important! :)

day three

Your views on drugs and alcohol...

I'm going to be brief. I think drugs are truly a pointless waste of time. I have many friends who are or have been involved with drugs, and I can honestly say that I've never had any interest in that. I love my friends, but it's not for me.

Alcohol, again... not really important to me. I love having a glass of wine every now and then, and sometimes even a cold beer- and when I'm with good friends, it can be fun to have a drink or two. But going out every night and getting hammered? So not my thing. It's funny, but I think turning 21 has actually made me LESS interested in drinking alcohol.

day two

Where you'd like to be in 10 years...

In the past 4 years, I've gone through about 30 different "options" for my future. At first (and for most of my life), I was sure I'd be an artist. I used to just want to paint and be one of those romantic, starving-artist types, but as I got closer to college, I started getting a little more realistic. I saw myself as a graphic designer, possibly in advertising or something. After a few short weeks of art school, that notion went down the toilet. So I registered as a typical, undecided student. Didn't know what direction to go in. But I've always considered youth ministry to be a potential outlet. I'd been involved in youth ministry, to some degree, for 5 years. I knew it, I loved it, and hey, the pay might suck, but at least I'd be happy (Disclaimer: I have not given up on this; if it's not my career, I still want to remain involved with it for as long as I can). Eventually, time got down to the wire and I had to declare a major. I chose psychology, and whether that was on a whim or what was supposed to happen, I may never know. But that opened up a whole new box of possibilities: there was art therapy, marriage and family counseling, crisis counseling, research... anything and everything. Like I needed the extra confusion!

So where am I now? In the past several months, I've been thinking and praying hard for guidance and direction. And then one day, it was just there. I'll teach college theology. I'd go to grad school, get a Masters in Theology. I'd continue on for a Doctorate, while teaching as an adjunct somewhere. It just seems to make sense. Is it 100% definitely what I'll be doing in 10 years? Maybe not. But for now, that is what I see and want for myself.

In 10 years, I will be 31 (yikes). I'll be married to an awesome, Catholic guy. We'll both work, and I'll be teaching part time and probably still working on my Doctorate. We'll be starting a family, and once that happens, I'll probably take a few years off of work to be home with my children. I might also be working on writing a book, as it's something I've always wanted to do. We'll probably live around this area, because I love it here and want to raise a family here. Most of all, I see myself happy. Happy with my family, with my job, and my life.

Now, I just need to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B...!

day one

My friend Meg recently started the "30 days of blogging" challenge (you can read her blog here). I think this is a kind of cool way to regularly update the blog, while expanding on some aspects of my life that I maybe haven't written about before. Also, awesome for the days when I don't know what to write about! So, I think I'm going to attempt this venture as well- although chances are good that I might throw some random, non-challenge-related blogs out there in the middle of it.

Ready? Here goes.

Your current relationship- if single, discuss...

Yep. I'm single. Funny how many different emotions and reactions that one word can evoke. To some people, single means alone. To others, single means freedom. Some fear. Others desire. Some envy. Others longing. On any given day, I go through all of these thoughts about my current state in life.

If I stand back and look at my life, I can understand why I am single, and why it is currently a good thing. I am still on the path to figuring out what I want for myself- career-wise, and life-wise (whatever the hell "finding yourself" means). I am in a constant state of change and flux... a real challenge for someone as fixed and stubborn as me. I can only imagine that any relationship I had right now would be temporary and volatile. But as cheesy as it sounds, I know that I need to be content with myself before I can expect to find anyone else content with me.

Big picture though, the goal is to find someone. I want to fall in love with some amazing guy, and get married. I am the kind of person that needs to love, and give love. I want someone to lean on, and to lean on me. I know that along the way, I've written blogs about this before. But especially now, as a 21-year-old senior in college, I am surrounded by couples, and people getting engaged, and meeting their future spouses. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, and sometimes I feel really angry about not having that yet... Not yet.

For now, I am single. At the drop of a hat, I can feel happy/sad/jealous/angry/content/worried/confident/free. I don't know if I can say that's good or bad, or perhaps that's just life. But there it is.

detachment

I don't know if I would go so far as to say I have social phobia... but I basically do. Until I figure out what I'm doing with myself and my life, I don't expect I'll ever feel comfortable around groups of people. Even my oldest, closest friends, all of a sudden, feel threatening to me. I don't know if I'm embarrassed, or feel inadequate, or both. It's really upsetting, but I am anxious around everybody! I cancel plans, I back out on commitments... and I hate meeting new people. I am ridiculously self-conscious, and I just feel like everyone is judging me. I wasn't always like this, and I don't know when exactly it started (although, looking back, I realized that I've blogged about this before). I would just so much rather be alone, reading a book or something, than out with people.

I still don't know whether I should worry, or if this is all just temporary until I get my sh** together. Because, I kind of have yet to do that. I'll just file this one under the 5,000 other New Year's resolutions I have for 2011... right. Here's hoping some of them will finally stick.

Morning People

I am a night owl. Always have been. For some reason, I am always energized at night- doing work, reading, tossing & turning, what have you. I've always said, "I go to sleep in the morning, and I wake up in the afternoon!" Kind of pathetic, but basically true. Where normal people go to bed by, let's say, eleven, my average bedtime is about 2AM. But I've been wondering... can night owls change? I think I'd much rather get sleep earlier, and enjoy the beginnings of each day!

Today, after a night of restless insomnia, I decided to give up on the idea of sleeping and greet the day. It was still pitch black outside, but I decided to attend 6AM mass. Much to my surprise, there were people there. A lot of people! After mass, I went to the grocery store to pick up breakfast. There were people there, too! Driving home, I passed all sorts of people running and walking and enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. Apparently, there is this whole other world of people who drink coffee, go running, attend daily mass... it's amazing! It's mind-boggling! It's inspiring!

I think, this year, I'd like to become one of these Morning People. I, too, would like to rise with the sun and relax for a few hours before I have to face my daily responsibilities. No more all-nighters. No more waking up at lunch time. No more exhaustion.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful thing.

this is the new year

Another year you've made a promise
Another chance to turn it all around.
And do not save this for tomorrow,
Embrace the past and you can live for now.
And I will give the world to you.

Speak louder than the words before you,
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important,
We are the voices of the underground.
And I will give the world to you.

Say everything you've always wanted
Be not afraid of who you really are
Because in the end we have each other
And that's at least one thing worth living for
And I would give the world to you.

A million stars that shine upon me
A million eyes, you are the brightest blue.
We'll tear the walls down that divide us
And build a statue strong enough for two.
Let's get back to you.
And I will wait for you.
Because I would give the world
And I would give the world
And I would give the world to you.

This is a new year
A new beginning
You made a promise
You are the brightest
We are the voices
This is a new year
We are the voices
This is a new year.

Ian Axel