this year

At the end of each year, I like to take a few minutes and think about the past 365 days. What was good? Bad? What have I learned? 2009 turned out to be quite a year for me. At least, in proving things to myself. For someone who is prone to self-doubt, I have made some lofty accomplishments.

1. I am smart. This isn't to sound cocky or arrogant, because up until this year I seriously doubted my academic abilities. I AM smart. I CAN do well in school. And even though I still have no clue what I'm doing in school, it's comforting to know that I can handle it. I've finally proven it to myself.
2. I am capable of change. I did it once, and I can do it again. This year I'll work on the not-giving-up-on-myself.
3. I need people. I lived alone for awhile, and sometimes I even enjoyed it. But at the end of each day, I wanted to come home and tell someone about it. Anyone. I love my friends and need them more than I like to admit to myself.
4. I can surprise myself. I whine and I doubt, but when I decide something is worth it, I'll go for it. Even when I have everything to lose. It surprised me, but I am glad for what I've done. And I am fascinated thinking of all the things I am capable of.
5. I can overcome. I've seen and experienced a lot of unpleasant and painful events and situations over the years, and it never gets any easier. But no matter the circumstances, I can get past them. We all can.

Now, here we go. New Years resolutions. Where we take what we've learned the past year, and use it as a jump-off point to set goals for the next. It's a great idea in theory, but I always go back and forth over whether or not to even set them, because it seems as though the shelf life on New Year's resolutions is approximately 3 weeks. But I am going to set one.

I have been offering the world a "less-than" version of myself. A Beth who is generally a good person, an okay friend- and then I complain about how things don't go my way... NOT the most I can give of myself. In 2010, I vow to become the best possible version of myself. In every way that can be accomplished. You are all my witnesses. It shall be done.

This year, is gonna be incredible

This year, is gonna be the one

All the planets are lining up for me

This year, I'm gonna have fun

This year, I'll paint my masterpiece

This year, I'll be recognized

I can feel like I'll fall in love for real

This year, this year

January, I'll learn to fly

February, love's gonna find me

March, April, May, I'll get carried away

Oh, oh...

I'm gonna have fun

Just watch me now

This year

"This Year" Chantal Kreviazuk

merry christmas

I love Christmas. I love the lights and the music and the traditions. It's a time where we tell the people we love how much they mean to us, and share gifts and spend time together. It's so full of love. But tonight, on Christmas Eve, I am thinking about something a little different.

I can't say I'm lucky or fortunate, because I don't really believe in luck. And I can't say I'm so blessed, because that would imply that some people are less blessed by God, and I simply don't believe that is true either. But the fact that I have luxuries and gifts to be received makes me feel sad. Obviously, I am grateful for everything I have. But my heart breaks thinking about the people who are homeless. People who are cold and alone and sad. Can you imagine how awful it must be to not have a home, no shower, no clothes except for what is on your back, no family or friends... and to have people passing you on the streets afraid to look at you? Think of all the people who have lost loved ones. People who can't afford a loaf of bread, while we're gathered around tables full of food. All of the little girls and boys that Santa Claus won't be visiting tonight.

This isn't supposed to make you depressed or guilty. But reflecting on this, I know in my heart, more than ever, that I am supposed to help these people. It's not enough for me just to feel thankful for what I have. I want to be able to share that with others. I need to know that I am doing everything I can to make someone's life a little better. God came to earth as a man on Christmas, to love and serve everyone He could. Tonight I am feeling the call to serve as well. I am not sure of the specifics yet, but God's pretty good at getting me right where I need to be.

So today, when you think about people who are sad or alone, say a special prayer for them, that they may know God's warmth and love. Whether it's in the generosity of a stranger or the care of an old friend. And tell the ones you love just how much you love them now, while you have the chance. I love all of you, and wish you a very blessed Christmas.

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

For a season so full of noise and shopping and things, I've been finding a lot of peace in nature. The world that we live in, the way it was before we messed it all up with unnecessary things. Take today for instance- this is the first time in ages I remember getting so much snow, over a foot! My family and I were completely snowed in. We had fun and tried to make the best of it by decorating the house and baking cookies, but eventually we all got cabin fever and started getting annoyed (it's inevitable). When there's so much going on, it's like sensory overload, and usually my situation gets the best of me, be it stress or annoyance or anger. I talk about it all the time here, but in the moment, it's hard for me to remember to relax. Just BE. Breathe.

But tonight, I decided to go out on the porch and look at the snow. I needed some fresh air, and a break from my family. It was gorgeous outside, sparkling and bright, everything blanketed in perfection. The thing that hit me right away though was the quiet. Have you ever listened to snow fall? It's like someone put a pair of earmuffs over the entire world. Everything is so muffled and peaceful and it's the best sound I think I've ever heard, that quiet. Quiet is so hard to find during such a busy time of year, but it's the most important time to look for it. It's yet another reminder of how small and insignificant all of the stuff we concern ourselves with is, and how great God's plan is. So much bigger and more beautiful than our small minds can comprehend. Lucky for us, He gives us little glimpses of that beauty on days like today. When the snow falls and the world is, for however short a time, at peace.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence."

Desiderata

shooting star

After a long night of reminiscing with old friends, I headed out into the silent, complete darkness. At first, it took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the dark, but as I walked to my car, I noticed the sky. It was the brightest blue I'd ever seen it, and completely alive with stars. Stars were everywhere... every constellation was visible. It was one of those moments where you revel in your own human insignificance. It put everything I am currently worried about into perspective, just thinking about how much more there is to life, beyond the petty trials of man.

And there it was. Directly overhead, a star blazed across the sky. Of course I made a wish, it's practically a reflex. But that star was like a little reminder from God. It filled me with joy. The kind of joy you really only remember from being a kid. With all of the "big" problems and worries I face on a daily basis, seeing something so simple and beautiful is exactly what I needed. I didn't get any answers, or come up with a solution to any problems. I got something much more important.

That star gave me hope.

fears

(I am writing this after watching "The Wedding Planner", if that helps to explain the context of this blog.)

I want to get married. I want to love someone with my whole heart, and make a lifetime commitment to them. I want to have a baby! A sweet, small, warm little person to sing to, and rock to sleep, and love more than anything in the world. I want to have a house with someone, and make holiday traditions with my family, and pack lunches! I don't want a white picket fence, I don't need a fairy tale... my expectations aren't that unrealistic. But I want to be a wife. And a mom.

And I am absolutely terrified that I won't have any of that. I am scared of dying, and heights... but most of all, I am terrified that I will be alone. Some days, it seems so certain- like, I feel called to all of that, so of course it will happen. Then other times, I look at my life, my lack of relationships and I literally panic. What if? What if I never get that happy ending? What if I do end up alone? I keep praying that my husband is just going to appear someday soon, because I am now in my 20's, and this is the time we're supposed to be meeting them, isn't it? Maybe not. But in my scared, panicky little place, these are the thoughts that creep in, disrupting my peace of mind.

So I pray. As unsatisfying as that often feels, that's really all we can do, right?

breathing room

Denial and all, I survived the past week. I am writing this a free woman. You know that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean and a wave crashes over you? It sends you spinning into the sand so hard that you're not sure which way is up. So you're confused, scared, and you can't breathe. THAT is what last week felt like. Now, it feels like that first gulp of fresh air. Maybe I am a little worse for the wear (my under-eye circles definitely prove that) but I can breathe again. I can relax again.

I have nothing of real consequence to say, other than that I am happy. I think.