and so it begins (again)

I figured I should start the year out with a "summer-was-so-great-now-back-to-the-grind" blog. However, I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. Or excited. Or nervous. I'm not feeling much of anything towards this year.

So I'm going to refrain from dumping negativity all over the beginning of my semester, and just state facts: I am a senior in college. I start classes tomorrow.

Sometimes detachment is the only way I can deal with things.

current state of mind

I wish I could run away. Go somewhere far from home, all by myself, and DO something. Not school. Just hit pause on school and come back to graduate once I know what to do. I don't know what to do. And my classmates say they get it, but no one Gets It. No one wants to graduate, but they all know what comes afterwards. I don't.

I don't know if what I need is a plan, or a reality check. It sounds like a stupid time to have a panic attack, my senior year of college, but that's what this feels like. I don't know what to do without someone telling me.

I don't know how to be ready for this.

firefly

This summer, I caught a firefly for the first time in my life. When I was little, I was scared of bugs... I always liked to look at them, not so much touch them. But this summer, on a warm evening in July, sitting in the grass surrounded by friends, a firefly landed in my hand. I'm not so sure if my excitement was about the firefly itself, or about the love I was surrounded with. Either way, the two became inextricably intertwined.

Since that night, I've wanted to badly to catch another firefly. But lately, there haven't been very many. "You can only catch fireflies if there's a lot of them." A friend told me that once.

For some reason, when there were thousands of fireflies swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to catch one. But now, when I am most in need of one, the few that are left circle the night sky aimlessly. It's almost impossible to catch one, when you don't know where to look.

I wonder if that's how answers work, too. For some reason, when there were thousands of answers to my questions swarming around, fear prevented me from reaching out to get one. But now, when I am most in need of answers, the few that are left circle around aimlessly, just out of my reach.

It's almost impossible to find an answer, when you don't know where to look. And it's almost impossible to know what questions you should be asking in the first place.

I wish I had what I needed
To be on my own.
'Cause I feel so defeated,
And I'm feeling alone.
And it all seems so helpless,
And I have no plans.
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land.

And all I see
It could never make me happy.
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing...

Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
And let that be enough.

Switchfoot & Jars of Clay

in my veins

Do you know what it's like to exist in a constant state of heartbreak? It's not the kind of heartbreak you get past, there is no resolution in sight, because it is a constant ache. An ache without a beginning or end... an ache that just is. The fate of my heart is completely out of my hands, because my heart is in someone else's.

Nothin' goes as planned.
Everything will break.
People say goodbye.
In their own special way.
All that you rely on
And all that you can fake
Will leave you in the morning
But find you in the day

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.

Everything will change.
Nothin' stays the same.
And nobody here's perfect.
Oh but everyones to blame.
All that you rely on
And all that you can save
Will leave you in the morning
And find you in the day

Everything is dark.
It's more than you can take.
But you catch a glimpse of sun light.
Shinin', Shinin' down on your face.

Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth.
Oh you run away
Cause I am not what you found
Oh you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out.
No, I cannot get you out.

Andrew Belle

it's funny how things work out

After Delaware, I felt like a failure. A failure at college, a failure at independence... a failure of self. I questioned my abilities. And although everything has been relatively good since then, that deeply-rooted failure is not so easy to shake off.

When I was in the process of transferring, my new school wouldn't accept 3 of the credits I'd earned from Delaware. At the time, it went unnoticed, and by the time I figured it out it was too late to correct. And those credits were 3 that I needed for my minor. It was a beginning drawing class, and I'd gotten a C-. IU only accepts C or better (I should mention that it physically pains me to say the letter C. I don't get C's. I get A's. Yet another reason Delaware gave me the beating of my life).

So as it turned out, I needed to retake that class. I wound up registering for the course at another local school- it was a compressed course, 3 credits in 5 days, all drawing, all the time. I dreaded that class. The thought of drawing again just brought me back to the studio at Delaware, and all the feelings of inadequacy that went along with it.

Though I knew no one in the class, I went. At first, I was very apprehensive. It was a class of mostly nursing majors, and everyone seemed to know each other. It was just me and my charcoal. But something funny happened then- the moment I pressed the charcoal to paper, my hand took over. It didn't even require thought, it was as though my body was programmed to draw that still life. It was like it used to be. My hand did the figuring out, and it left my mind to wander- when I get that absorbed, time doesn't exist. It is a feeling that I haven't experienced in years. In fact, after Delaware, I'd thought it was gone for good.

That class I had hated, that class I had dreaded, that class I had feared ended up being exactly what I needed. It gave me some of my pride back. The little boost of faith in myself that I had been so sorely lacking.

It's funny how things work out.

1-year anniversary

It's official- today marks the 1-year anniversary of my blog. Looking back on the past 67 entries has brought many smiles to my face. Also some sad memories. But perhaps, what stuck with me most, were some words from my very first entry:

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. Setting them, achieving them... not achieving them. Dying trying to achieve them. I have a lot of goals. Problem is, I have a much easier time setting them than fulfilling them. My favorite writer, Thoreau, once said, "Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be." I think he's pretty smart, so I'll take his word for it.

My goal for the year... is to fulfill my hopes & dreams.

Funny, but those goals are still true. Then I realized that they will ALWAYS be true. Life is a constant struggle to become the best possible version of ourselves. And the day we stop trying to fulfill our hopes and dreams is the day we'd be better off not alive at all.

So dream on.

tug of war

My life is an ever-constant push and pull routine between what to do and what not to do.

Yes or no.

Right or wrong.

I don't know how to get the answers I'm looking for.

Why does August always do this to me? Every year...